dimanche 24 avril 2011

fear of girls

Ok, I will do as suggested by Andrea and will start diarising on my daily activities so that I can see where and how I participate within energy.

I will go back a few days ago as my first diary because I have experienced, within that day, experiences which were more accutely related to that "sense of energetic movement within myself" that has brought me to start this topic in the first place. I also have to note that this "energetic sensation" within myself, has subdued these past few days and I do not perceive the "movements of energy" within myself as much as I have noticed them within the previous month. This brings me to wonder a bit about it being a symptom of the "bipolar dissorder" that I have been diagnosed with. But I won't delve into that "wondering" and will go about exploring my day activities that is at the core of this current diary investigation.

So, two days ago, after I woke up, the first thing that I did in my day was to go and check this here forum to see if someone had made a reply to one of my posts - one of my motivitations in participating within this forum was simply to get feedback from other "destonians" so that I could effectively evaluate and change the aspects within myself which are in need of changing - my participation within the mind. Thus, the first thing that I did on that morning was to come to this forum to see if anyone had replied to one of my posts.

Somewhat to my surprise, someone did answer not only 1 of my posts, but 2 of them. I was especially surprised and happy to see that Andrea had given me 2 replies to 2 of my posts. Since I didn't had the time to answer back to those replies, and since time was short on me - since I had to leave for class - I only looked at the reply that Andrea made to the post about this topic. I was especially happy that she made a suggestion for me to apply in order to support me in stopping my participation within energy. What she suggested was to start diarising on my daily activities so that I could "look back" at the events throughout my day where I participated within energy and to thus be able to see where I needed to apply myself in stopping myself within those participations. So, I left my home with the intention to "look and register events" within my daily activities so that I could be able to "diarise" upon them when I would be back home after class.

So, it was within this intention that I started my day. As I was driving to class, I focussed on the "energy" that I felt within my mind, especially, and specifically focussed on not allowing myself to participate within activities which I knew would "make that feeling of energy swell up inside me". As I was aware of the energy that was "busy waking up inside my mind", I thus focussed my intention on "stopping" that energy from "swelling up inside my mind" ( I have to note here that I may not be able to select the proper choice of words in order to properly describe what I am trying to express here, as my vocabulary in english is not that extensive - thus the constant habbit of "placing words into brackets" because of me not knowing specific words which would best describe what I am trying to convey. ). Being that I was particularly sensible to subtle movements of energy within my head region on that day - such as feeling the energy swell up inside my mind as I was passing other cars on the road to class -, I specefically focussed my intention on not allowing myself to let that energy "swell up" inside my head as I was driving to school.

Going back to the reasons why I did not want to allow that energy to swell up inside me, I have to note that I am especially familiar with what that type of "sensibility towards energy" usually means in my case, as I have been hospitalised many times in the past because of me specifically allowing myself to "participate within that subtle energetic sensibility" so as to "let it swell up inside my head" so as to "live extraordinary experiences" which usually comes with this specific sensibility towards energy. "This specific sensibility towards energy" usually "comes and goes" within cycles within a year, and I always instinctivelly know within what "cycles" I find myself in as this "specific sensibility towards energy" awakens from within myself. Thus, recently, that "specific sensibility towards energy" was present within my head as a force as movement - almost as a magnetic force which pulls my awareness towards the "top of my head" from within which awakens a "sensibility" from within which I usually become "manic" in behavior.

Going back to my diary, as i was driving to class, I had this intention on not letting myself get pulled within this energetic sensation through me blocking the "flow of energy" before it could reach the "top of my head".

Arriving at class, I reaffirmed my intention on not participating within energy by "keeping a straight face" and not let myself "laugh" in the presence of others, as I usually did that so that I could "nourrish" that sensation of energetic movement within my head so that I could "lock myself" within the "top of my head". So, I kept a straight face.

After I sat down at my desk, one of my classroom collegues in front of me greeted me with a "smile". I answered by not smiling and kept my focus on not letting myself get manipulated by the energy within me. I also answered with a lowered voice, since I knew that by answering him with a "high welcoming voice" that it would activate the "energetic mechanism" that I did not want to allow myself to participate in.

At one point within the day, we were doing practical exercises ( I also want to note to myself here that I have a hard time finding the words to describe the events within the day that I am trying to diarise. I don't know from within which perspective I should write the events of my day - should I write as if i am looking at myself from the outside or should I write from a more subjective perspective... I don't know... I never was confident when writing as I always had difficulties following "guidelines"... and to me, whenever I write i have to "follow guidelines" such as "knowing when to place a period" and "knowing when to place a comma" and "what is the best syntax to express what I am trying to express" and "should I write long sentences or small sentences" and "what if no one can understand what I am trying to say" and "what is the best word that i can use to express what I am trying to express" and "there are so many words to chose from... which word should I use to describe the events that I am trying to describe"... It is all so confusing to me that it frequently discourages me to write alltogether...)... So, I was saying that we were doing practical exercices within the day at one point (again, I have a hard time expressing the events of my day because I usually do not place my awareness within the events of my days - as I see my days as being so boring and uneventfull that I do not take the time to "register" what it is that I am living because I do not want to "register" what it is that I am living, having defined my life as being so "uneventfull" - which it is from a perspective - that all I want is to "forget" my life because of it being so "boring" and "lonely"...). So, again, i will attempt to describe the events of my day which followed...

So, at one point within the day, we had a project that we needed to advance within the part of the class that was focussed on doing practical exercices. I always disliked those "part of the class" because I always disliked the moments when people would start talking to one another, as we had the tendency to "participate in groups" whenever we had a practical exercise to complete. I always disliked those moments because those moments always made me feel as if I was "rejected" by the group. I always felt as if I was rejected by the group because I seldomly was selected by others to participate with them. So, each time one of those events would occur within my day - such as the event of having to participate within practical exercises designed to learn how to fix a solution within a group - I always have the tendency to "lock myself within myself" - such as a turtle pulling her head within her body - because of me not wanting to notice that no one notices me or that no one wants me to participate with them.

I am especially fearfull of the women and girls which surrounds me, because I specifically fear their gazes as I almost never sense any form of interests from a girl/women towards me. This I fear because each time I notice that I am not noticed by a girl/women, toughts comes into my head from within which I wish I would be invisible. I wish I would be invisible because that is exactly how women/girls make me feel in my life, as I have no contact with girls whatsoever (other than my mother and my sister). Every girl seems to seek to avoid me as if I am sick and that I could infest them with my sickness. But I am not sick, I am just "ugly" and to be "ugly" is the worst sickness that one could ever have according to me, as it forces me to have a life of loneliness where I do not have the privilege of "being with people" only because i am "ugly". I have spent so much time wishing I could be "better looking" because i suffer so much from my loneliness but it is all in vain, as no matter what I do to change my behavior, I still cannot get to be liked for my appearance and am forced to live a life of loneliness...

So, at that point in the day, as all the other students were participating within finding ways to practically solve the problem/issues that we were asked to solve so as to earn the specific skills in our field of study (networking), I had to "live through" once more, the experience of being rejected by girls around me. I seem to never have been able to get rid of that fear, because I am so longing to simply communicate with a woman/girl and that because no girl wants to simply communicate with me, that I always feel as if I am "unworthy to live" simply because no girls speaks to me. This is difficult for me to live and it has brought up back chats of spitefulness towards girls in general because of how girls in general make me feel - as equal to a piece of shit. I say that girls make me feel as a piece of shit, because they give me the same type of attention that they give a piece of shit - and this is truly hurtfull for me because even at my age - 32 years old - I just can't properly communicate with girls as they seem to be aliens to me, since I just haven't had the privilege throughout my lifetime, to get to know a girl because I have always been systematically rejected by girls (although i've had a few girlfriends in my life, none of which lasted for more than 4 months however). So, I have this fear of girls, especially when the time comes where they "swarm around me" because they almost never do that to "talk to me", but do that to "talk to those that they like around me". This generates back chats of jealousy and hatred towards those that have that privilege.

What I usually do in order to not allow myself to even "hear those back chats within myself", is to "hide within myself" so as to "not allow myself to be aware of my surroundings" whenever I see "girls around me" because I know that they are around me for someone else, and that they "neglect me" as if I do not exist. This systematic neglect from girls has been the pattern throughout my lifetime, and as such, in order for me to protect myself from the rejection - whereas girls don't seem to even consider that I exist - I usually hide wihtin myself by being completely absorbed by my mind, not allowing myself to be extraverted because of the fear I have of the words that girls might say towards me. So, I fear girls and the words that comes out of their mouths, as most of the words I heard coming from girls where negative in my regards, or were silences which implied that they wanted nothing to do with me.

So, within that day, this point that I have just extensively described concerning my fear of girls, came up. Within myself, I just tried to avoid their gazes as much as I could, because of me fearing seeing what I feared, which was to see that they did not even look at me or were concerned with my presence. As such, I started to "delve within myself" so as to "hide" from a "place" that I did not want to participate in. I did not want to be there because I did not see that I was wanted - such as what I have almost always experienced when with the company of girls/women = being rejected, not considered.

Within myself, I learned to even hide from my opinions because of me not wanting to realise just how evil my opinions had became towards girls. I always had this idea that I am this "good boy" and that I cannot have any evil thoughts about no one. However, being honest with myself, the thoughts that I have suppressed towards girls in general are truly and really evil in nature, as I despise them so much for systematically ignoring me unless I become what they want me to be, that I just wish I could "kill them all". Well... to have just said that here, without me even trying to hide that thought, makes me presently feel a bit shaken, as this thought must have been profoundly suppressed within my self because of the shock it currently leaves within my being... I am so frustrated for not even having the opportunity to talk to girls that I have turned this frustration within the desire to hurt the girls which makes me feel as if I am not important to them - which is almost the case with all girls/women I meet...

I am digressing here, should get back on topic.

So, this event occurred where I experienced myself AGAIN as being of no worth to the eyes of the women/girls around me - whereas they were playfull and giglyish with the boys/men around me all the while leaving me on my own, not even taking the time of day to talk to me. So, within myself and as a defense mechanism, I usually tend to give girls/women exactly what they give me, which is "no attention or consideration". This frustrates me because of the blatant separation that this generates between me and girls in my life - as if girls are otherwordly beings that I just can't communicate with, as I am isolated and ignored by essentially all girls that I meet/encounter in my life. It's as if I am not worthy of girls only because my appearance does not fit with what girls desire of a man. But I can't do anything about it now. I mean, I even went and had a plastic surgery back in 2006 to correct an assymetrical jaw structure that I blamed for my condition with girls in my life. Obviously, this operation did not change anything, as I am still perceived as being undesired by girls around me, even if my assymetrical jaw structure has been corrected. Can you see just how much girls have been an issue for me in my life? I mean, all of my sufferings has been because of my inability to generate interests towards girls in my life. To have to live a life without the possibility to even communicate with girls simply because I am not "good looking enough" for them is an hellish existence that is really burdening my experience of myself in my life. Everything that I truly desire - i do not desire money as money doesn't have real value in my life, having been financially supported and protected by my mother all my life (even today at 32 years of age) - concerns girls. Nothing else matters in my life. I want to be with a girl simply to prove to myself that my life is worth living... as the lack of support and interests from girls in my life has generated a hatred such a hatred towards myself, that I frequently think of suicide as I perceive my life not being worth living if I am to live my life without the possibility to even communicate to a girl, as it is how I have come to believe my life to be, since almost everygirl that I encounter systematically reject me when I do not play the game that they want me to play - a game of "appearing as if I am good/intelligent/happy/nice/polite/pretty" to them. Since I have stopped wearing clothes which I wore to attract girls to me - which never worked for that matter - I am even more isolated from them as I was before. So, it is a struggle to maintain this path of "not playing the game with girls" as the lack of girls/women companionship in my life, is making me believe that I miss out on life simply because of my "handicap" of having the "face" that I have...

Well, this was a rant that I wasn't expecting me to write about, as I never wanted to see me for what I truly am emotionnally. But I guess I had to do it, if not only to see the extent of the evil that I have fed within myself through the constant rejection that I get from girls in my life.

I will stop writing for the moment, and will keep this post active so that I can eventually look back at it in order to apply needed self-forgiveness statements.

samedi 23 avril 2011

Why the fuck don't I say fuck.

I just realised that what I always wanted to say but had difficulty saying is the word FUCK! I always fucking had difficulty saying the word FUCK because of the fucking belief that FUCK is not in accordance with who I fucking am. But it is. Fuck is who I am as I am fucking fed up with this life.

I've always wanted to show others just how fucking great I am and was through me not speaking a single fucking obscene word to no fucking body. I've always controlled my self not to say a fucking word that would fucking hurt some fucking idea that some fucking one would have of me. But Fuck that. Fuck is the word which is in fucking accordance with who I am as a fucking word of any fucking relevance. All other words I use in my vocabulary I have used to hide this fucking word from my self because i did not want to see my fucking self as what that fucking word represented. It represented that I was a fucking bad person and if i fucking allwoed my self to even utter that fucking word to another, then that would mean that I would be fucking doomed. I fucking controlled my self to not allow myself to show any fucking sign of "fed upness" through the fucking dishonest words that I used. I controlled my fucking self to always show that I was in fucking accordance with this world, while I fucking loathed every fucking aspect of what we have fucking become. How can we fucking say that we are fucking alive by witnessing the fucking atrocities that we fucking allow in this fucking existence! I have tried to hide myself from what I fucking am all my life because I did not want to fucking realise just how fucking messed up i fucking am. All the fucking efforts I have spent controlling my vocabulary with words that would sound as if I was this fucking pure being while harbouring fucking hatred for this world have fucking drained every ounce of fucking common sense in me. I have become a fucking drone repeating words that would portray my fucking dishonest self as a fucking wanna be saint instead of allowing myself to express the fucking words that is on every fucking minds. I have used all words in the fucking vocabulary to fucking hide what I always fucking wanted to say but dissallowed me to say because of fucking etiquettes that I held dear to the fucking idea of myself as being a good fucking boy, not saying or doing any fucking thing that would shock a fucking soul. What the fuck was I fucking doing? I was just fucking silencing my self all these fucking years because i fucking believed that i was a fucking good boy. For fucks sakes. How can I be any way whatsoever fucking good for allow-fucking-ing this fucking existence to be the fucking way it is? For fuck fucking sakes. I am the evilest fucking bastard there fucking is to allow such fucking atrocities to meet my fucking eyes as I watch the pure fucking disturbed fucking beings that we have all allowed our fucking selves to become. FOR FUCKS SAKES.
I don't even want to say to fucking wake up to any fucking soul for that is fucking redundant. We are all fucking awake already as we all have fucking eyes to see. We all have fucking ears to ear yet we fucking continue behaving like we fucking don't see or hear what the fuck we are doing in this world. We prefer shutting our eyes to the fucking world by living inside our fucking bubble which does not fucking exists for fucks sakes. We live inside our imaginary fucking happyness bubble while we close our fucking eyes to what is really here. For fucks sakes, I don't even want to fucking argue with no one about what I am saying. If you seek to argue with me then you are fucking living in denial. Just look around for fucks sakes. All possible arguments are already staring right at you in the fucking face all the time. Fucking use common sense for fucks sakes, we are already fucking living in a fucking hellish existence that absolutely fuckingly has to fucking stop.