Religious people are insane.

Here is an excerp that I will like to share in my blog. It concerns a passage that i have read from a book by Osho called "The book of understanding" where he has stated his "common sensical" perspective on what religion is to him. Being full of common sense, I decided to publish it here in my blog, so as to show to all who are willing to hear, the insanity in the belief in a God.

Excerp from The Book of Understanding by Osho:

When I say God is the greatest enemy of religiousness, it is going to shock the so-called religious people, because they think praying to God, worshipping God, surrendering to God is what religion is. They have never thought about responsibility, freedom, growth, consciousness, being; they have never bothered – and yet these are the real religious questions. These people are not aware of what they are losing. They are losing all that is valuable, everything that is beautiful, and everything that can become a blessing to them. The so-called religious person starts focussing on a fiction and forgets his own reality, forgets himself and thinks of somebody there, above, in the sky. That person above in the sky is non-existential, but you can focus on any nonexistential thing and forget yourself in that focussing. And that is where real religion happens – within you.

Hence prayer has nothing to do with religion. What are you doing in prayer? You are creating first an image of your own imagination, surrendering to your own imagination, then talking to that image. You are just performing an insane act. In all the churches, in all the synagogues, in all the temples and in all the mosques of the world, these people are doing something insane but the whole earth is full of these insane people.

Because they have been doing this for centuries and you have accepted them as religious, it shocks you when I say that they are not religious. They are not even normal – to be religious is far away. They are below normal. They are doing something so stupid that if they go on doing it, whatsoever little intelligence is left in them, by and will go down the drain. Perhaps it has already gone.

"God" as a disturbance.

 

Today, I've had a conversation about god with some of my co-workers at the place where I am currently doing my intership. The conversation came about after we had discussed about "our beliefs structure" concerning the end of the world, as we were analysing an article that appeared in the local newspaper this morning stating that the world was going to end this next saturday. The conversation then started by and through my supervisor asking me what I believed about "god" and about the "afterlife". What then occured within myself, was a movement of disturbance which started swelling up from within my being, as I saw this as an opportunity to "talk about the destonian message" to those with whom I share my daily life with. Now, I have to state that the field of work where I am currently busy doing an internship at - and only because I need to make money in this world - doesn't allow me to speak about what I stand for in a regular basis, as my time is consumed by a task from which I constantly receive pressure to complete for my "superiors". Thus, I do not have much opportunities to let my self express myself from the perspective of a context which is broader than the limited context from within which we work.

Thus, there was a point within me - as a point which had accumulated an energetic buildup - that emerged from within the opportunity that was presented to me to talk about what I "believed in" in relation to "god" and the "afterlife" since the subject was brought up after we discussed about the article that appeared in the local newspaper. That point came about as the direct consequence of me nurrishing within my mind the thought of sharing the destonian message. Throughout all the times where I was forced to behave and express myself in limited matter due to the "socialised structure" from within which I regurlarly find myself in - as the "socialised structure" found within the environment of a job in this world - I nurrished the thought of finding the opportunity to talk to those with whom I casually share my daily existance with, about the destonian message. Thus, when the opportunity came today to finally share about what I perceived life as being from within a scope which was graeter than the scope of the "technical conversations" we regularly find ourselves in, I got caught within the buildup of energy that I have accumulated throughout time. What occurred within me at that moment, was that I felt this energetic movement from within me as a movement which constricted my expression towards directions that held me captive within a labyrinth of limitations.

I was so overwhelmed by the opportunity that presented itself to me, that I couldn't see clearly within that specific moment, as i was caught within the desire to share to others about a perspective of common sense in relation to the article about the end of the world. As I was talking, I wanted to stop talking and tell others that I wasn't fit to talk about that subject for the moment, as I sensed that I was "not myself" within that moment and that the words that came out of my mouth, rather reflected the energetic coumpound of energy as what I have allowed myself to become instead of who I am as life as the physical. For a moment, I lost myself as I wanted too much to speak about the destonian message through the opportunity that was presented to me. Seeing and realsing that my words were then disaligned, I saw within myself - as I was speaking to others - that this conversation would lead nowhere as I was not standing as life but was standing as the personality that I have created as this energetic compound. Rather than applying myself to stop right then and there, I allowed myself to continue speaking until the energetic movements within my being resided, as I foresaw that I would be better fit to speak about "desteni" at the point where the energetic movements within myself would subdue. However, when that point of "calmness" arrieved, those around me lost interest in the conversation and started talking about the work that needed to be done at that moment. Seeing then that it wasn't the proper opportunity to continue to talk about the "destonian message", I went back to the task at hand and left the subject matter of "god and the afterlife" go. 

This event has showed to me just how important it is to be clear within myself before allowing myself to speak through the filters of emotions and energetic movements. When the desire to tell others what desteni is arise as my thoughts about others - I stop - I breathe, I see the pattern, where it arise and how it will play out - I stop the thoughts and I do not act based on the thoughts - I breathe until the energy passes. I rather look at myself, what the point is that I would life to talk to others, look at my reaction towards them/the point, and see wehre that same point is existing within and as my own life or why it is that I am reacting to that point which I am seeing.

I will not allow myself to speak about points which generate energetic movements within my being until I am clear within and as my being. 

Qu'est-ce que le "equal money system"?

Voici une question que m'a posé une de mes connaissances, Mathieu Deguire, au sujet du "equal money system" (tiré de facebook):

 

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Alex c quoi que tu vas acheté avec ton systeme de egal money ?
C quoi tu acheterais ? Si tout le monde aurais de l'argent egal ben personne ne travaillerais et dit c quoi les choses qui serait disponible à etre acheté ? dans le fond c le meme systeme que cuba ! mais au lieu de l'argent c des billet de ration ! c exactement la meme chose. Fait une recherche pour voir si tu aimerais ce systeme! Reviens moi apres

 

• Ca fini qu'il y a sur le marché 6 aliment genre riz patate beouf poulet et carotete et navette, pis tout le monde est habiller parreille, pis personne a de voiture, le pays est fermer à tout tourisme car personne va vouloir venir ici pis en plus tu pourrais pas sortir car il n'y aurait aucune industrialisation et aucun commmerce donc presque pas d'avion, oublie les ordinateurs, les maison pour te tenir au chaud, tout le monde va etre tres pauvre et aucune variete de disponible. La couruption va etre au max et l'injustice va courrir partout. On est je sais pas combien de pays sur la terre et tous espere un jour etre democratique. regarde aussi
• D'un point de vue historique, les régimes dits socialistes se sont rapidement transformés en dictatures, avec la suppression des libertés individuelles, comme en URSS par exemple. De ce fait, le communisme est devenu une idéologie très controversée (le communisme était en fait controversé dès le XIXe siècle). La question est, en particulier, de savoir si le bilan effroyable du communisme appliqué est la conséquence de ses principes fondamentaux ou s'il est l'œuvre de régimes politiques qui n'avaient que le nom de communistes. La société communiste imaginée par Marx n’a jamais été établie, et demeure théorique.
  
  
  Voila le communisme sur wikepedia

 

• C'est exactement le communisme que tu decris dans le egal money systeme! C'est le communiste. Recherche sur le communiste et la belle realité reste theorique et ca fonctionne jamais, du moins le reve n'a jamais fonctionner encore

• Autre chose prend l'avion pis va voir comment c'est cuba ! va te promener dans ;e peuple

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Et voici ce que je lui ai répondu (tiré de facebook également):

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Ok, je réalise et je constate la résistance que tu as vis-à-vis ce que je propose, ou du moins, ce que le "pic badge" accolé à mon image de profil suggère. Je ne l'ai premièrement pas apposé pour susciter des guerres idéologiques entre des idées déjà pré-établie (comme ceux concernant le communisme par exemple) dans le système actuel et je ne vais pas rentrer dans un état d'esprit qui cherche à défendre ce qui n'a de toute façon et de toute évidence, pas encore fais ses preuves. Également, je ne peux pas parler d'un système que je ne connais que conceptuellement, qu'il soit celui du communisme ou celui de "equal money system", car de toute évidence, cela ne fait que me renvoyer à des idées ou des idéaux qui ne sont pas en contact avec ma réalité actuelle et physique. Du plan de cette réalité qui est premièrement et fondamentalement physique, ce que je peux constater, parcontre, est l'état de la planète telle qu'elle est actuellement - sur le plan strictement physique - dans son ensemble et je ne peux pas, en pleine connaissance de cause, continuer à supporter un système - qu'il soit national ou international - qui ne fait que défendre les intérèts de ceux qui ne recherchent qu'à satisfaire leurs intérèts propres ( basées sur des idéologies conceptuelles plutot que des nécessitées physiques ) - les nations - plutôt que ceux du groupe - la planète entière. Je ne veux également pas m'avancer dans des suppositions quant à ce que je vais faire dans un "equal money system", surtout en considérant le fait que d'embarquer dans de telles suppositions, comme celles que tu m'as suggérer -- qu'est-ce que tu acheterais dans un tel système? Si tout le monde aurait de l'argent égal et bien personne ne travaillerait... Tout le monde est habillé pareil... etc -- ne ferait que nous empêtrer dans un débat qui mènerait nulle part, puisque ne faisant ainsi que reproduire en notre comportement même, ce qui fait en sorte que la vie est devenu ce qu'elle est en notre monde. Et ça ne prends pas une connaissance de quelconque système que ce soit pour constater et réaliser jusqu'à quel point nous avons divergé de ce que nous sommes et devrions être réellement en tant qu'être vivant. Le principe de base derrière le "equal money system" est d'instaurer un système humain qui sera concu de telle sorte à ce que la vie ne soit pas au service de l'argent, mais plutot que l'argent soit au service de la vie. Cette fondation de base en tant que principe qui guiderais et dirrigerais chacunes de nos actions, n'est et n'a pas encore été présenté dans quelconque système que ce soit en ce monde, car le monde actuel n'est qu'un reflet d'un système qui a pris son origine à l'intérieur d'une nécessité qui nous animes tous, soit la nécéssité de survivre. La question à se poser est donc la suivante: Qu'elle monde serait le nôtre si le besoin de survivre serait pratiquement illiminée? N'est-il pas vrai que la nécessité de survivre nous amène à agir de façon à ne regarder que nos intérèts propres ou ceux du groupe à l'intérieur duquel nous partageons les mêmes idéologies? N'est-il pas vrai que nous avons interiorisé cette nécessité de survie en nous-mêmes et que nous avons de par ce fait même, développer des "égos" et des "personalitées" qui ne recherchent qu'à défendre leurs "intérèt" comme si leurs "survie" en dépenderaient? Pourquoi sommes-nous si déranger par des idées qui viennent confronter les nôtres? Pourquoi est-ce que nous recherchons tous à défendre nos idées comme si notre vie en dépenderait? Toutes ces questions sont posées à partir d'un point de départ qui est fondamentalement "désaligné", pour ne pas dire "psychotique", en relation à ce que nous sommes véritablement derrière ces idées. Ce qui est proposé par le "equal moneu system" ne connait fondamentalement pas de référence en ce monde actuellement, car ce qui y est proposé demande premièrement un travail sur soi de longue aleine afin de réinstaurer l'être que nous sommes véritablement derrière nos facades. Ce système ne se veut donc pas être un système qui continue à perpétuer un système fondamentalement phychologique qui prend sa racine à l'intérieur de cette "psychose" généralisée en nous-mêmes, mais se veut plutôt être un système qui facilite la réconciliation avec la vie que nous avons délaissée au profit de nos intérèts personnels. Le fait d'être vivant et non l'argent devrait être la seule valeur qui soit valable à l'intérieur de l'esprit de chacuns. De proposer un système qui place sa valeur en la vie plutôt qu'en l'argent est un système qui se doit d'être supporté jusqu'à ce qu'il prenne racine. Que serait la vie si l'argent serait au service de la vie plutôt que la vie au service de l'argent? Voilà une question qui mérite réflexion. Je te suggère de visiter le site de "equal money system" et le site de "www.desteni.co.za" pour de plus amples informations concernant le "equal money system" et le processus du "pardon de soi" afin de te permettre d'arrêter de participer en les méchanismes de l'esprit pour te donner la permission de voir et d'agir en fonction de ce qui est le mieux pour tous plutot que ce qui est le mieux pour soi.

Self-forgiveness and self-corrective application example

I have taken this following self-forgiveness writing from another destonian by the name of Adrian Blackburn. The reason why I have posted his writings into my blog is because I wanted to show to myself and those who are reading, a perfect example on how to do self-forgiveness writings accompanied by self-corrective application. I will use this post in the future as a reference point on how to properly do self-forgivenesses writings.


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I noticed within me today a tendency I have – it is basically the want and desire to ‘tell other people how it is’, meaning in terms of morality, right and wrong, how things/they should be and ‘what’s going on’ in a way that is like, giving them a ‘rude awakening’.

Now this ‘rude awakening’ tends to go hand in hand with realization in process – in seeing things for what they are in our world/lives, it can be a an experience of having your whole world turned upside down and as a result, can be a very ‘rude’ experience – disheartening, disenfranchising. The problem is that that is only a ‘bi-product’ of self realization and becoming aware of one’s world – it is the not the reason for/starting point of having such realizations – to simply have a ‘rude awakening experience’ that is like a difficult, unpleasant experience to have.

This desire to ‘come down hard’ on people is about me – not about process and what is necessary to be done as what is best for all life – as a way of making myself superior/more than/better than/knowing more than/special. I often have these experiences playing out in my head as my back-chat, and realized today that I must do self forgiveness on this point, and not allow these thoughts to accumulate into me eventually stupidly acting out based on these thoughts.

And what is the initial belief? That I am ‘more special than’ – when I am in fact existing as the exact opposite (otherwise the belief wouldn’t exist) – that I am existing as ‘less than’, where I am abdicating my self responsibility as life, and upon abdicating myself, I have projected the desire to stand up onto others, and my own self judgment for not standing I am then projecting onto others as ‘what they are doing wrong and what they should do’. Such morality stuff is bullshit and definitely not what process is about. Process is a standing- for all life, equally – thus each one is equally responsible, and of course, equally ‘guilty’ as creators and abusers. Standing up for life is then unconditional, not personal (never about me and the other person only) and if the ‘rude awakening’ experience happen – it is really of no importance to me, and as mentioned, is only life a ‘side effect’ – not to be seen as the main part of the experience that stands out. And if I were to happen to succeed and bring up this experience – that is a real fuck up because I am engaging this person or point from the starting point of morality – a real fuck up in misunderstanding – I am misleading, and then giving myself the false sense of self righteousness which I desired in the very first place, to delude myself into not taking self responsibility. What a fuck up!
Self forgiveness:
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to judge myself as good or bad based on whether or not I am applying myself in my process.
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to project my self judgment as me being ‘bad’ for not applying myself in process – onto others.
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to be self righteous with regards to process.
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to judge others
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to want and desire to feel self righteous, instead of actually acting and living within and as consideration of what is best for all life.
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to define myself as good and self righteous for applying myself in my process. I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to judge others as ‘bad’ for not applying themselves within their process.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize or take into consideration ‘where other people are coming from’ to see where they are currently standing and simply judge them as good/bad or standing/not standing.
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to want and desire to ‘come down hard’ on others for who they are or what they have done.
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to want to desire to ‘tell other people how it is/give them a rude awakening’
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to want and desire to have power and control and be more special than others by standing as morally superior or within a ‘more profound understanding’ of things
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to believe that having knowledge of process or standing up and applying myself within my process – makes me more special than or morally superior and have attempted to use this belief of being morally superior/more special to have power, control and dominance over others
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to want and desire to have power and control over others.
I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to become gentle as my own standing of self forgiveness and living self change.
I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize the position I am in of being able to apply myself actively within my process and having an understanding of process and that I am for the moment, fortunate to be in such a position.
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to deceive myself into making myself feel morally superior to others by justifying my actions as beneficial towards process within the belief that such judgment/anger/manipulation is beneficial towards another person standing up
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to use anger, judgment and morality to manipulate others into standing up, applying themselves in process and self realizing.
Self corrective statement:
When the desire to ‘tell others how it is’ arise as my thoughts about others – I stop – I breathe, I see the pattern, where it arise and how it will play out – I stop the thoughts and I do not act based on the thoughts – I breathe until the energy passes. I rather look at myself, what the point is that I would like to talk to the other person, look at my reaction towards them/the point, and see where that same point is existing within and as my own life or why it is that I am reacting to that point which I am seeing.

a word I have difficulty expressing

AndreaRossouw wrote: what it is that you have always wanted to say but had difficulty saying it.

I just realised that what I always wanted to say but had difficulty saying is the word FUCK! I always fucking had difficulty saying the word FUCK because of the fucking belief that FUCK is not in accordance with who I fucking am. But it is. Fuck is who I am as I am fucking fed up with this life. I've always wanted to show others just how fucking great I am and was through me not speaking a single fucking obscene word to no fucking body. I've always controlled my self not to say a fucking word that would fucking hurt some fucking idea that some fucking one would have of me. But Fuck that. Fuck is the word which is in fucking accordance with who I am as a fucking word of any fucking relevance. All other words I use in my vocabulary I have used to hide this fucking word from my self because i did not want to see my fucking self as what that fucking word represented. It represented that I was a fucking bad person and if i fucking allwoed my self to even utter that fucking word to another, then that would mean that I would be fucking doomed. I fucking controlled my self to not allow myself to show any fucking sign of "fed upness" through the fucking dishonest words that I used. I controlled my fucking self to always show that I was in fucking accordance with this world, while I fucking loathed every fucking aspect of what we have fucking become. How can we fucking say that we are fucking alive by witnessing the fucking atrocities that we fucking allow in this fucking existence! I have tried to hide myself from what I fucking am all my life because I did not want to fucking realise just how fucking messed up i fucking am. All the fucking efforts I have spent controlling my vocabulary with words that would sound as if I was this fucking pure being while harbouring fucking hatred for this world have fucking drained every ounce of fucking common sense in me. I have become a fucking drone repeating words that would portray my fucking dishonest self as a fucking wanna be saint instead of allowing myself to express the fucking words that is on every fucking minds. I have used all words in the fucking vocabulary to fucking hide what I always fucking wanted to say but dissallowed me to say because of fucking etiquettes that I held dear to the fucking idea of myself as being a good fucking boy, not saying or doing any fucking thing that would shock a fucking soul. What the fuck was I fucking doing? I was just fucking silencing my self all these fucking years because i fucking believed that i was a fucking good boy. For fucks sakes. How can I be any way whatsoever fucking good for allow-fucking-ing this fucking existence to be the fucking way it is? For fuck fucking sakes. I am the evilest fucking bastard there fucking is to allow such fucking atrocities to meet my fucking eyes as I watch the pure fucking disturbed fucking beings that we have all allowed our fucking selves to become. FOR FUCKS SAKES.

Self-forgiveness on fear of writing

AndreaRossouw wrote:Ok what I suggest is to write down in a few sentences how you experience yourself and what it is that you have always wanted to say but had difficulty saying it. Here are some examples:

I like complicating my writing
By complicating my writing I have always hoped people will see me as intelligent
I want to sound intelligent
I want others to envy my knowledge
I like comparing myself to others

In the moment, write straight one sentence lines about yourself - to find within yourself absolute clarity. From there you will be able to apply self forgiveness for accepting and allowing your world to become an abstract story you designed to appear knowledgeable to others. Here you want to focus on what thoughts as backchat exist in you and write them down immediately. If the thought comes up and the mind changes the thought through justification and shapes it into something else - then stop - write down the original thought as well as why and how your changed the thought in your mind.

Ok, I will follow the guidelines you have layed out before me.

First of all, I will look at the first example that you have brought up and will write down a single sentence about myself which is in relation to that statement. I have to admit, though, that at first glance, it seems hard for me to limit myself to 1 sentence alone about myself. It seems difficult, but I will do it.

So, the first statment to look at in self-honesty is this: "I like complicating my writing".
- I like complicating my writing because I like to appear as if I have a lot of things to say.

The next statement is: "By complicating my writing I have always hoped people will see me as intelligent".
- I always wanted to sound complicated because I believed that people valued complicating things and since I had a hard finding value in who I am physically, and since I always wanted to be valued by another, I sought to find value in who I am mentally so that I could show myself as valuable to another. - I have to note to myself here that I had different thoughts about this statement within my head before I went about writing that last statement. However, I seemed to have sought to change that original thought so that it would "fit" with how I wanted to present myself to another. I see the loop that i am exerting upon my expression and i need to stop myself from participating in that loop. -

Thus, Answering the last statement again in a clear and direct fashion, I will write that:
I want to sound as if i am complicated because I believe complicated things to be valueable.

The next statement is: "I want to sound intelligent" ( I sense emotion comming up as I look at that statement)
- I want to sound intelligent because i do not like myself physically.( I believe that by sounding intelligent that people will like me because I perceive my appearance as being responsible for all of my sufferings in my life - feeling tears swell up inside me).

The next statement is: "I want others to envy my knowledge".
- I want others to envy my knowledge because i want others to envy me just as much as I envy almost everybody else for having an appearance that I wish i had. ( I envy almost everybody because I judge everybody as being more beautifull than me ( again, i feel tears swelling up inside me))

The last statement is: "I like comparing myself to others".
- I like comparing myself to others because I like to find faults within others so that I may like myself more for the "sad being" that I experience myself to be. ( there is this tendency I have to extrapolate further into those statements as I seem to get confused as to what I am trying to say. There seem to be so much words that I could use to express just what I am trying to say that I get to doubt what I write when writing in 1 sentence alone.)

Now, I will look at the 1 sentence answers that I have written above, and will apply self forgiveness for what comes up in relation to those answers.


1) I like complicating my writing because I like to appear as if I have a lot of things to say.

- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to appear as if I have a lot of things to say.
- I forgive msyelf that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that the more I have things to say, the more interesting I am to another.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to be more interesting to another.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to be more interesting to another because of the fear I have of being alone if I am not perceived as being interesting to another.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "appear as if" I am something that I am not.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear showing who I am to another because of the fear I have of not being "good enough for another" if I am to expose myself for who I really am.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I really am because of the belief that If I am to expose myself as who I really am, no one will want to be with me.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that no one will want to be with me if I am to expose myself for who I really am.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being all alone by myself.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to appear as if I have a lot of things to say because of the belief that I have that "the more I have" to say, the "better" I am.
- I forgive myself that I have acccepted and allowed myself to value those that have a lot of things to say.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior in front of those who have a lot of things to say.
- I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a lot of things to say because of the belief that I could be like those that I value if I have a lot of things to say about my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as being inferior because of not having a lot of things to say about my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value into having a "lot of things to say" because of the belief that "to have a lot of things to say" equals "to have a full and fulfilled life".
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry about myself for not having a lot of things to say.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compensate for not having a lot of things to say, through me expressing myself in complicated ways because of perceiving myself as having a "lot of things to say" when being complicated.
- I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise how much I burden my self as expression through the desire to always appear as if I have a lot of things to say.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to have a lot of things to say so that I can perceive myself as having a full and fulfilled file full of experiences.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value my experiences before valuing me as who I am here physically.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to replay past experiences in my head over and over again because of me not valuing myself for who I am here physically.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to live experiences without consideration of what is best for all because of me valuing my experiences before valuing what is best for all.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value my experiences before valuing what is best for all.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to appear as if I have a lot of things to say so that I can nurrish the impression of that appearance that I value inside my head.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value an idea as an appearance of myself before I value the fact of myself as who I am here physically.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value an illusion of myself before valuing the actual living example of myself as who I am here physically.



2) I want to sound as if i am complicated because I believe complicated things to be valueable.

- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive complicated things as being valuable.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value in complicated things instead of placing value in who I am physically.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value in the ability to say complicated things instead of expressing myself as who I am here without being complicated.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind complicated thoughts because of the fear i had of showing myself for who I am as simplicity.
- I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself as who I am physically, because of the fear I have of the reactions of others towards my appearance.
- I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that the reactions that i fear of others are the reactions that I have within myself towards my facial appearance.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for having a face which does not receive the same attention as the faces of those around me that I envy.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to show myself as being "more than another" through the habit of expressing myself in complicated manner so as to compensate for the feeling of inferiority that I nourrish within myself within back chat where I regularly judge myself as being inferior to another because of my facial appearance.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive self-forgivenesses as being "difficult" because of the belief that I need to be complicated to be able to effectivelly self-forgive myself.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to transform my expression into a chore because of the belief that I have to be complicated before I allow myself to express myself here.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continuously doubt my self-expression through me re-reading the sentences that I write because of the perception that I have of not being able to be concise enough in my writings.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continously seek to be complicated and within that, to continuously seek to limit my honest expression by filtering everything that I want to say through the filter of complication.
- I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to express myself as clarity and simplicity.
- I forgive myself that I hace accepted and allowed myself to perceive clarity and simplity as being inferior.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to "run away from that feeling of inferiority" through me becoming complicated because of the fear I have of having to face myself as the "fear" that I have become.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame life for giving me a face which has generated such psychological suffering in my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsability towards self because of the belief that "since I cannot change my face, I cannot change my self".
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to kill myself because of the face that I have.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of ways of killing myself because of me not wanting to live a life whithout the support of another.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to devalue myself as who I am physically because of the lack of "positive feedback" that I get from others regarding my "face".
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to hide from my face through me hiding and participating in complicated thoughts so as to make sure that I never get to the simplicity of me here as who I am physically.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself get controlled by my fears.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to "end this self forgiveness" because of me not wanting to look more into myself.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to look more into myself because of me wanting to get a feedback upon what I have written so far to see if I am doing the self-forgivennesses correctly.


3) - I want to sound intelligent because i do not like myself physically.

- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value "intelligence" before valuing the physical which is here.
- I forgive msyelf that I have accepted and allowed myself to "hate" myself for who I am physically because of not getting the attention that I seek to get from those around me.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "hate" myself for who I am physically because of not getting the attention from girls around me.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "hate" myself physically because of not having a "girlfriend" in my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place the judgments that girls have of me, as the reasons justifying the hatred that I have towards my physical appearance.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "sound as if I am intelligent" because of the fear I have of not getting any attention whatsoever by girls if I am not to be able to sound intelligent.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by the perception that girls have of me.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to show to girls just how valuable I am through me "sounding intelligent".
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive intelligence as being more valuable than who I am physically.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to "sound intelligent" as to "sound good" to another person's ears so that the "sound of my voice" may compensate for the "lack of attention" that my "physical appearance" gets from girls.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value on the sound of my voice because of the "positive judgments" that I receive from girls when listening to my voice.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to manipulate others through the sound of my voice because of the belief that I can only get what I want from girls through the sound of my voice.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to sound intelligent because of the perception that it is only by "appearing as if I am intelligent" that I can "appear beautifull" towards girls.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for not getting attention and support from a girl in my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "want to die" because of not being able to get the attention of a girl/women in my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self-responsibility because of the perception that "I am not worth it" because of not being able to get the attention of a girl/women in my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continuously feel sorry about myself for not having a girlfriend/women in my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continuously feel sorry about myself for not being able to get a girlfriend/women in my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to kill myself for being left out by girls/women in my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myelf to want to kill myself through the perception that my life is not worth it because i can get no attention from any girls/women in my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise life for being burdened by a lack of physical and verbal interaction with girls/women in my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the thought i have of killing myself through the fact that ther is no girl/women in my life, and that there hasn't been for the past 3 years.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a failure because I can't get the attention of a women/girl in my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place the value of myself solely around the judgments that girls have towards my physical appearance.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret silences and evasive looks that girls/women give me as justifications towards the idea that I need to kill myself because of not generating any interests with girls/woman towards my physical appearance.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place girls in pedestals in front of me.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give value to everything a girl says to me and through this, become completly enslaved to the judgments that I receive from girls in my life.
- I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to "want to kill myself" because of a word or judgment that a girl has said towards me.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "want to kill myself" because of a silence that a girl/woman has made towards me.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "long for death" because of the perceived sufferings that I experience whenever I am rejected by a girl.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value myself only if I am to be loved/accepted/interested by a girl/woman.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to sound intelligent so as to seek to appeal to a girl who may be reading or listening to me.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be completely possessed by the idea that a girl may have of me.

4) I want others to envy my knowledge because i want others to envy me just as much as I envy almost everybody else for having an appearance that I wish i had.

- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to envy almost everyone around me.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my self expression so as to please, at all cost, all those who are around me.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to envy those that I judge as being more beautifull than me.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to envy those that have a girlfriend/women in their lives.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself as being knowledgeable because of me wanting others to experience the same envy that I experience when comparing myself to others.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to appear knowledgeable to another because of me wanting another to envy me just as I envy another.
- I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that I want another to envy me because I want another to experience the sufferings that my envy towards another generates within me.
- I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that I want another to envy me because I want another to suffer like I do.
- I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that I want others to suffer like I do.
- I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise my own self-dishoesty towards my envy towards another.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive knowledge as being "more than me".
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to perceive me as being "more than how I perceive myself to be" so that I may not have to face who I am within my interactinons with others.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself for who I really am when interacting with another.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within energy so that I can remain as far away as I can from the sensation of my physical body.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to run away from my physical body, through all means possible, because of the shame I have of being "unliked" by no girls/women in my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shame towards my physical body for not having a girlfriend/women in my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shame towards my physical body for not generating any sings of interests from the girls/women I encounter in my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my desire to die through the fact that no girls shows any signs of interests towards me in my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be enslaved by the way girls/women react to my presence in my life.
- I forgive myself that I have abdicated myself as the physical because of the way I am treated by girls/women in my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect myself as the physical because of the neglect I get from the girls/women I encounter in my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to center the value of life around the reactions that girls/women have towards me in my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to whish to have another face than the one I have in this life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted anda llowed myself to seek for another life because of the belief that I will have a better "facial appearance" in my next life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame life for the face that I have in this life.
- I forgive mysefl that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have the faces of those around me because of me judging almost everyone as being more beautifull than me.
- I forgive myself tht I have accepted and allowed myself to place value into beauty
- I forgive myself that I have acepted and allowed myself to fear being ugly
- I forgive myelf that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself.


5) I like comparing myself to others because I like to find faults within others so that I may like myself more for the "sad being" that I experience myself to be.

- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within comparing myself to others.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "like to compare myself to another" so that I can "find faults within another" so as to elevate myself from the "feeling that I have of being sad".
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to put another down so that I can feel myself as being "more than another".
- I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise the evil that I have become through me seeking to put another down in my head so that I may feel better about myself.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within comparison with another being.
- I forgive msyefl that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within comparisons because of the negative judgments that i nourrish within me towards me.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to "like myself more" through me finding "faults" as "negative physical traits" in another so that I may feel better about my facial appearance.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge another as being "more ugly than me" because of then perceiving myself as being "more beautifull than another" which makes me "feel better about my face".
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to find faults in the faces of another so as to elevate myself from the negative thoughts that I have towards my facial appearance.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from another through me judging another as having a "better face" or "worse face" than my own.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within feelings of sadness within me.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to nurrish feelings of sadness within me.
- I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that I nurrish the feelings of sadness within me because of the thoughts that continuously churn around as back chats within my mind.
- I forgive msyelf that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to stop participating within the back chats of my mind.

I stop participating within back chats within my mind.

Ok, that is enough for now as I feel clear within this moment.

Fear of writing

I have this fear of writing. Every time i am about to write, there is this fear I have of not being able to convey my inner experience into words. This fear always seem to stem from comparison, where I constantly compare myself to other's writings in my mind. I tend to believe that I do not have the necessary vocabulary to write effectively, as I frequently stop throughout the process of writing, thinking of the words that would convey to the best of my awareness, what it is exactly that I am experiencing within myself.

I have this fear of not finding the specific word because i have always written in ways which were "long winded" and generally "abstract". When I read other's writings, I frequently have this tendency to place into "pedestals" those who seem, from my perspective, to be able to write in ways which I see as being concise, when comparing with how I have accustomed myself to write throughout my life. Prior to desteni, I always perceived writing as being a chore, as this was the impression that my education has left upon me. Growing up, I frequently had difficulties whenever came the time where I had to write an essay or a homework for class, as I always reacted within my mind by saying " oh no, I don't want to have to write for this or that subject... I would much prefer playing around instead of having to sit there and write about an opinion that I don't have". This impression towards writing is still somewhere to be found within myself, as I always have to "fight my way out of the rut" in a sense, whenever I push myself to write. There is so much lack of faith in my abilities to properly convey what it is that I am through words, that I spend rediculous amounts of time just to think about what it is that I want to say next. However, when doing so, I seem to lose the focus on what it is exactly that I am about to write, as I then lose myself within the generated confusion in my mind. I say "generated confusion in my mind" as it seems to be the "coping mechanism" that I have created within my mind, in order to "hide" my voice behind the words of others. I hide behind the words of others because I have a hard time expressing my own words whenever I am with another. I frequently give way to other's perspective before my own, as I have been brought to believe that what I have to say, doesn't matter to no one.

Looking back at my personal relationship with my father as I was growing up, I would have to say that this habit of mine of giving more value to whatever another is saying before giving value to my words, comes from the impression that my relationship with my father has generated within my mind. My father beat me when I was a child, but no matter what I would say or do, he wouldn't stop. He always made me feel as if I was wrong for doing something that was apparently bad. I never really quite understood the reasons why he treated me that way, so I have come to associate that I was the one which was always "wrong" and that he was the one which was always "right", so I thus started to "listen" to whatever he was saying, so as to not have to live the consequences of him beating me. This "listening" to what he was saying as the words of "rightfullness" compared to the imprinted sense of "wrongfullness" for being me, has been imprinted within my subconscious mind - i suppose - eventually extending and projecting this "father figure" towards and within those to which I speak to, as I have this "patterned behavior" of "suppressing myself within my mind" whenever I talk to another, as to not have to "live the consequences" that have been imprinted within my being since my childhood.

Of course, it is irrationnal to think that I will live out the same consequences that I lived as I was growing up within my relationship with my father, but the tendency to "supress myself within my mind so as to give to whatever I am looking at or speaking to, full attention so as to "forget" my own "words" because of the engrained belief that what I have to say is fundamentally "wrong"" is still present, however not as much as what it was prior to desteni. This "suppressing within my mind" seems to be at the source of my difficulties whenever comes the time to convey into writings, the words which are central to the experience of my being, as I seem to have to "work myself up" from within myself in order to eventually come into contact with the words which are my own. This "work myself up" from within myself, is the central reason why I always found writing as being a chore, as it is a mental effort for me to be able to clear myself up from within the "confusion blanket" that I have coverred myself up in as to protect myself from my own expression to which I have defined as being fundamentally "wrong" through the engrained impression that my relationship with my father has left within me. Moreover, this tendency to hide behind this "confusion blanket" always seems to "regenerate itself" everytime I sleep- ressetting over and over again, no matter the efforts I have expressed in any given day to "remain clear" within myself. What I have to do in order to get to myself, which is the voice which is hiding behind the security blanket of confusion, is that I have to "write out" the "junk" so as to finally come to the point within myself which stands as my expression instead of the expression that I have copied from another in fear of expressing the "wrong" that I have believed myself to be.

So, as I stand here looking at what I have just written, I see the mechanism which is proving to be my challenge within this process of writing myself out. There is a lot to be done in order for me to achieve constancy and to release myself completely of this "fear of writing", but I will commit myself into doing whatever it takes nonetheless, as I have to stand clear within myself in order to do what is best for all.