7 Years journey to life : Day 1: resistances when participating in self-forgiveness through writing

It has been a long time since I wanted to participate in self-forgiveness, where I saw myself as actively participating in writing the patterns that are within me so that I may birth myself from the physical. However, I never really invested myself in writing my self-forgiveness’s because I always saw writing as being some kind of a chore where the thought of “having to work” in order to “get what I want” dissuaded me to even “try” fixing myself through self-forgiveness.

 This pattern of me avoiding any type of “work” in order to get what “I want out of life” has been with me as long as I can now remember. If I am to investigate this pattern further I am to look within myself from the starting point of self-honesty and self-intimacy. I have a tendency to think that this pattern emerged through my particular relationship with my mother where I have been brought to behave in ways where I would see myself as being “not responsible” or “unaccounted for” of my own actions, relegating the responsibility of my actions upon the shoulders of my mother.

There is this memory that pops up where I see myself at a young age, with my mother in my room next to a box where I would place all of my toys. Within this memory I am crying because of something that I have done – however not remembering exactly what it was – and within which I felt guilty of having done a “wrong” action. I remember that I was crying about the sadness of my fate to my mother, where the response that I got from her was that she would dry my tears away and console me. Within this moment as a memory of my past, I have linked the relationship that whenever there is something wrong that occurs to me in my life, that the person who is there to right that wrong is my mother.

When I was sad within my childhood years, I always turned towards my mother to “reassure me” that everything was right. The fact that my father used to beat me placed me in a position of fear whenever I was alone with my father. I always hid in the basement awaiting the presence of my mother before I would find the courage to go upstairs where my father was. When I was alone in the basement, I would watch TV or stay silent until I would hear the door open, a signal that my mother may have arrived. Only when she was there that I would allow myself to go in the living room where my father used to stay. You see, I was afraid of my father because of the fact that he beat me from time to time whenever I wouldn’t do what he wanted me to do. I would thus wait for the presence of my mother in order to have a “security blanket” where I would “hide” under her presence so that I could feel “secure” when within the presence of my father.

The fact that I have used the word “security blanket” within the last statement expresses the image that I have made of my mother within and as my mind. I thus saw my mother as being a “security blanket” that would allow me to remain “hidden” from the “angry outside world” as my father, so that I could “get away” from the “responsibilities” that my father imposed upon me like washing the dishes when I would be done with them or cleaning myself up when I would have left a little mess because of food of some sorts. Thus, this “hiding” away from the responsibilities of the “mean outside world” has been reinforced through the presence of my mother, where I would reinforce the “hiding” behaviour every time my mother would “defend” me through her sheer presence, from the perceived tyranny of my father. I wrote tyranny because that is what I generally felt when within the presence of my father – being the tyrant which forced me to behave as how he saw fit, rather than letting me be and act as I wanted to – a behaviour which was supported by and through the presence of my mother. So, when my mother was near me, I felt as if I was “blanketed” from the “outside world” that I feared, which was represented by my father.

Thus, this pattern of “hiding” and “awaiting for my mother’s presence” so that I could feel “secure” and “free of responsibilities”  for my actions has been with me since my childhood years – or the time where I was directly under the feared influence of my father, which represented society’s orders. When I was “hiding” I was left unaccounted for my actions because my mother’s presence would grant me immunity from my father’s aggression – because my father wouldn’t allow himself to “beat me” or “hurt me” if he were to be seen by my mother. Thus, when my mother was around I knew that I wouldn’t get hurt by my father – that I was free to do whatever I wanted without thinking of the consequences of my actions.

What I interpreted through this was that I didn’t have to “work on defending myself” from the presence/tyranny of my father because that “work” would be done by my mother whereas I would “hide away in the basement awaiting for the presence of my mother” rather than face my father as the authority figure in my world. This, I have imprinted within myself, the pattern of “hiding” and “waiting” before doing an “action” that would help me within a particular situation of distress. Thus, I became passive instead of active – and through time, the passive pattern grew and grew within me and became so big that I lived out this pattern through “waiting for some magical solution to come and help me” – just as I was waiting for my mother’s presence as she was perceived as being the “magical solution” that would help me whenever I was within the fear of my father’s sheer presence.

The program that I have built within me concerns the behaviour of me “waiting for someone to help me = my mother figure” rather than helping myself out when facing a problem. Now, the problem that is apparent within my behaviour is the point of “passivity” when in front of a problem, whereas I would wait for another person to “fix” a problem for myself because of not taking responsibility in my actions and behaviours.

I will now apply self-forgiveness to delete this pattern of “waiting” for the presence of another/my mother before I allow myself to fix myself out of my own self-limiting behaviour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “wait” for the presence of another before applying myself into taking self-responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that writing is a chore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist being active through the internalised pattern of me waiting for the presence of my mother to come and fix all of my problems for myself – within this I have abdicated my self-responsibility to my mother instead of taking self-responsibility for myself as all as one as equal as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self-responsibility to my mother because of the fear of taking self-responsibility of my actions through the fear that I had when I was young of my father – fearing him beating me for not behaving like he wanted me to behave.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my power of self-responsibility away to another as my “mother figure” rather than attacking head on, any points of self-limitation within myself as myself as life as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking self-responsibility through writing myself out because of the idea that I am not “good enough” to write – within which I fear not being able to find the proper words to express myself as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to find the proper words to express myself as – a fear I have ever since my teenage years where I would frequently find myself blocked when faced with written homework that were given by my teachers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being blocked when faced with the act of writing myself out because of the belief that I am not  a good enough writer in order to be able to “write myself out to freedom”.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to write freely whatever comes up from within me as points of self-exploration in order for me to be able to see myself through my words so that I can actually CHANGE and free myself as life from the mind and return to the physical where I as life remains.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist change through me not actively participating in the act of self-writing because of the fears and beliefs of blockages I had towards the act of writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself out of the judgements as “grades” that I received from my teachers when correcting/judging my homeworks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to block my writing within the act of “seeking to write a specific amount of words” as patterns that I programmed within myself whenever I think of the act of writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write only within the goal of attaining a specific amount of words rather than writing for and as myself through me reprogramming myself as life through the direct facing of myself as the points as resistances which comes up.

If and when I see myself moving or about to move into the assumption of “I am not a good writer thus I cannot write”, I stop, breathe, remind myself that it is a pattern of me as the mind I no longer want to engage for it is not what is best for me and what is best for all, One and Equal.

When and as I see myself moving into the automatic personality of abdication as “ I won’t do self-forgiveness or self-writing” I stop, breathe, see if I have missed an opportunity to self correct into Oneness and Equality from which the abdication arose, if so, I forgive myself, stand up from the self-abdication and self correct, if not I stop, self forgive my participation in abdication as an automated response to a pattern of self abuse and bring myself back Here in and as the Breath.

I commit myself to stop myself from entertaining ideas and beliefs about self-abdication and from judging myself and others as “self-abdication”, through the use of thoughts and emotions, ideas and beliefs, comparisons and games of winners and losers to establish myself as an example of how Life could be for everyone outside of the limited living of the Mind of Illusions and back into Life as the Physical, One and Equal for every living Being.