7 years journey to life: Day 20: Fear of rejection

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being a reject because of not having any girlfriends or that many friends to spend the time with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the fact that I do not have any girlfriends as justifications, blame and spite towards and within myself as the judgment of being a reject.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as who I am now, based on the interactions and experiences that I had when I was a teenager growing up in this world, within which I would regularly experience being bullied by my classmates because of the fact that I looked different to what was perceived as being normal by those who were bullying me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give power to those who were bullying me, within which I would grant them permission to treat me as and within abuse where I would regularly be teased at, thrown stuff at, be ridiculed in front of others – and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by the interactions I’ve had with those who were bullying me, rather than defining myself according to who and what I am as life as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into my mind, as a means of protection from those who were bullying me, from within which I would spite, blame, accuse those who were bullying me from within the silences of my mind as backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire that those who were bullying me would die before I would, from within which I would entertain surges of positive energy towards and within the thought that I would “outlive them” as a desire of self-gratification from within which I would use the thought of “me outliving them” as being a grounds for my “superiority” as being “more than them” simply because of the possibility of having outlived them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to make myself as being “more than others” because of the overwhelming feeling of being “less than others” which was generated within myself every time I was being teased at throughout my teenage years.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within games of “energy” as I would, from that moment on, seek to find ways to make me feel “more than others” as being “more than those who bullied me” through me participating within games of “energy vampirism” where I would later on in my life, practice specific techniques of meditation only so that I would feel “more than myself” as a consequence-outflow from being teased at when I was a teenager.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that the game of energy I was participating in as the game of acquiring energy through meditative practices, would generate a “personality suit” of a positively charged entity within and as myself, which would, from the moment where I allowed myself to participate within the game of “positive energy build-up” grow and grow within and as myself up to the point of becoming uncontrollable as the manifestation of the “mental illness” as bipolar disease.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “close my eyes” as the act of deliberately shutting down the words of common sense that were busy manifesting within and as my mind as I allowed myself to let the manifestation of the “positively charged entity” take full control of my body, as I would deliberately stop taking care of my physical body for the expense of the “manic experiences” that would be generated within and as me through the “positively charged entity”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the “positively charged entity” take full control of my body, where I would deliberately shut my ears to the common sensical words that would be coming from my physical body as I would enclose myself within the “positively charged entity” so as to experience the temptation as the reward as the positive energy that the “positively charged entity” would make me experience within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be manipulated by the desire to live an experience of “high” as the experience of “flying high within the mind” as I was experiencing my first manic episode from within which I would deliberately close my eyes to the physical consequences of my mind possession because of being too much enthralled by the experience of “flying high” from within which I would deliberately forget about my physical body’s needs only so that I could continue on with my dependency of “flying high” as the accumulation of positive energy within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek experiences of “highs” through meditative practices only so that I could suppress the “lows” as the experiences of being bullied as I was a teenager growing up in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the act of seeking positive energies as the highs that I experienced through meditative practices only suppressed the negative energies as the lows that I experienced within and as myself as I was a teenager growing up in this world.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that the act of seeking positive energy through my active participation within meditative practices only suppressed further and further down the depths of my being, all of the negative energies that I experienced through being bullied as I was a teenager – and within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that the suppression of me as the negative energies of me only accentuated the grounding of and as the mental disorder that was later on diagnosed in me as being bipolar.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was and am not responsible for the creation of the mental disorder that I am now experiencing as being bipolar, because of the belief that the disorder was genetically passed on to me from previous generations – and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take full responsibility of my mental condition and bring about a cure within and as myself, throughout an active participation within the process of self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait until the “final minute” before taking action from within which CHANGE will be made possible through my active participation within writing myself to freedom through self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that I do the exact same thing to those that I judge as being “less than me” from within which I project unto them my own feelings of rejection – within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that I treat those that I reject the same way that I was treated with those who rejected me, thus continuing the abuse without making a stop to it.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that I abuse those that I reject the same way that I was abused by those who rejected me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stop my participation within the abuse of another through the act of rejection.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that no one is rejected within the greater picture of life, as life does not reject anyone but allows everyone to exist, one and equal to all living beings.

If and when I see myself moving or about to move into the mind through the "fear of being rejected" pattern, I stop, breathe, remind myself that it is a pattern of me as the mind I no longer want to engage for it is not what is best for me and what is best for all, One and Equal.

When and as I see myself moving into the automatic personality of fear of being rejected, I stop, breathe, see if i have missed an opportunity to self-correct into Oneness and Equality from which the fear arose, if so, I forgive myself, stand up from the fear game and self-correct, if not i stop, self-forgive my participation in fear of being rejected as an automated response to a pattern of self-abuse and bring myself back Here in and as Breath.

I commit myself to stop myself from entertaining ideas and beliefs about "rejection" through the use of thoughts and emotions, ideas and beliefs, comparisons and games of winners and losers to establish myself as an example of how Life could be for everyone outside of the limited living of the Mind of illusions and back into Life as the Physical, One and Equal for every living Being.