7 years journey to life: Day 12: Feeling empty inside

I am tired of having this nagging feeling inside of me that makes me feel empty inside. I am tired of feeling depressed when I wake up in the morning. I am feeling blue, this springtime, of being in the phase of my life where my mother is not living with me any longer. I feel that my mother is the closest being that I hever new and even if I thought I had separated myself from her, by cutting the umbellical cord, so to speak, I still feel, from time to time – especially now in the springtime where life is beginning anew all around me – that I am still attached to her. However, I am tired of feeling sad and empty like this. Seems to me that the feeling originated when I was very young and that I still cling unto it to this day. As if the child in me wants everything to be back the way it was when my mother was taking care of me. I do not want to take care and support me all by myself. In my head, I would prefer killing myself than to have to support myself for the rest of my life being alone and lonely (what I am doing now is that I am letting out all of my currently felt feelings/thoughts/emotions so that I may practically apply self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-correcting applications once I will have empty myself of that nagging feeling which is pushing me down). Nowadays, I feel that my loneliness is a curse and that I can never experiment happiness since I do not want to participate in the world socially. I do not want to participate in the sorld socially because of the past experiences that I’ve had with the world, in that I am, more often than not, rejected for who I am. Either I am rejected for the way that I express myself, or that I am rejected for the image that I portray of myself within this world. I do not want to experiment that feeling any more but that feeling keeps on coming back to me every day when I awake. It is that feeling of emptiness and sadness that keeps me from being vigilent within myself and it pushes me to look down at my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is weight to emptiness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to concentrate in order to go deep within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that concentration is separate from me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own uncomprehensions unto others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my insecurities unto others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to criticise the way others are expressing their self-forgiveness sentences while I am, in fact, criticising myself for my perceived difficulties in expressing myself in a clear and efficient manner.

Another problem that I have is that I tend to find it difficult to go deep within myself in order to pinpoint the cause of my self-created sufferings. I am tired of being lazy about what I should do in order to free myself and stop the mind from making me lazy about my own process more often than not. I want to be more dilligent in my application but I always stop myself from going deep with the excuse that I am unable to find the specific words and sentences to express what I am living from within. I know what is to be done, by the examples given at the desteni forum and all of the desteni related documents, but I tend to not participate as much as I should in the self-forgivness process by re-utilising the same excuse that I am not well versed enough, in french or in english, to participate in the process in a more effective fashion. I mean, I seldom have the words that I would like to use in my writings in order to pinpoint a feeling that I may be experimenting at a particular moment. Oftentimes, the words come to me after I have completed the sentence that I would be elaborating at a particular moment, and when that word comes, I have lost the flow of the sentence I was into which discourages me in working out that nagging feeling within me which only feeds my mind consciousness system further.

I want it to stop. I want to be able to come up with the correct sentence construction so that I may feel that what I say actually relates to what I experiment and feel.

Now, at the current moment of writing this sentence, I do not feel as I did when I started this entry – where I expressed my feeling of emptiness and loneliness – but I feel as if I opened myself up to myself, which makes me feel better. What needs to be done now, is for me to effectly use the specefic points of destructuve mind consciousness reccurent self-denial habits just mentionned in self-corrective self-forgiveness applications in writings and out loud in order to become aware of the specific deep structures of mind which keeps suppressing me in favor of mind consciousness programs that I have accepted and allowed within myself as a definition of myself. I am not my mind consciousness system and all of it’s different subversive systems. I am not to be supressed any longer by my past experiences which has fed my mind consciousness system so to keep a false definition of who I am based on experiences of polarities which has fed my mind consciousness system’s definition of who I am based on lies about what I truly am.

Self-forgiveness applications:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of “not wanting to participate in the process any more” because I think that I did all that needed to be done in order to free myself from my mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I do not need to continue on with the self-forgiveness part of the current process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always have to justify myself in my self-forgiveness applications.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in justifications as a way to liberate myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I know how to liberate myself based on past experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself based on the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself based on past experiences of myself and of others interactions with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself based on what others perceive myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself based on what others see me has being based on the image that I carry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself based on the image that I carry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I carry an image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I carry an image that needs to be defended from other images out there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am an image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my expression based on the image that the mirror projects of me at a particular moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my self expression because of believing that I can only accurately express myself when I project a positive image of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer being silent within my own mind and therefore creating this situation of having difficulties in expressing myself to myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not have the tools necessary to express myself in a self-liberative purpose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not well versed enough to participate in self-forgiveness application sentences effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others who are participating in the forum at desteni.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others thus generating that uncertainty within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others thus limiting my self expression at specific situations when I feel impressed by some one else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel impressed by a picture representation of the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value the picture representation of the mind more than what I value of my self as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to participate in conversation with others because of a desire I have of being left alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by past experience of rejection therefore justifing my belief that to be alone is what life wants me to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life is apart from me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life wants me to be alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have projected the belief of being alone unto life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have separated myself from life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare the choice of words another makes to the choice of words I make when expressing myself