7 years journey to life: Day 13: Finding the exact words to express myself

Today, I was surfing the net for some blogs regarding self-forgiveness and the application thereof. As I was reading, I found myself constantly comparing myself to the works of others, as I saw myself as being “less than” those who were able to write a specific amount of text regarding their own processes and the points they have reached within themselves.

Before getting in the process of reading the words written by other bloggers, one concern that keeps interfering with my ability to be open-minded about a specific subject or theme or point, is the fact that I place a lot of value in the “amount of words” a person is able to express out of oneself regarding a particular point of concern. This attention to the “number of words” a person is able to express come from my upbringing and more specifically, the influences of my high school years, where we were regularly given texts to write on specific subjects that were periodically graded throughout my education. Of the many aspects of writing that were being emphasised by our teachers, the aspect of “number of words” was always the one that made me feel less secure about myself. I had a lot of difficulties writing texts because I have always been a person of a few words within that time frame – as I didn’t find the necessity to “talk and talk and talk” about a subject and it’s different ramifications for the purpose of an evaluation. Of all the troubles I had with writing, finding the “exact words” when I was faced with the activity of writing was the main one.

I had troubles finding the exact words that would portray to the best of my knowledge, the thought, idea or concept that I would be trying to convey throughout my academic years. Thus, I developed a “technique” of writing through the use of “fillers”. “Fillers” were words that I would use in order to fill an empty space or line just so that I may eventually reach the goal that were set by the teachers regarding the numbers of words or pages that were asked of us to complete for the works to be evaluated. Thus, I filled a lot of my academic texts with filler words. This had the effect of generating a lot of works that were unsubstantial, within which they were just a series of interrelated words that would portray an idea within the most abstract of forms – where there were but just a few solid arguments that were related to the “exactitude” of “words” that I was able to express at the time. What I mean by this is that I was able to have as much arguments defending an academic subject as I was able to FIND the words that I was looking for to express my views.

This pattern of having a hard time finding the exact word has been with me ever since I have imprinted myself with the “seeking to attain a specific amount of words per text” as were the case when we were forced to seek to attain a specific amount of words per texts as basis for the acceptance of the texts evaluations. This pattern has generated the side effect of “comparison” where I play the comparison game every time I read the works of another blogger, judging them as being less or more than me strictly based on the amount of words they were able to “pull out of themselves” regarding the subject of their blogs. This competitive nature as the act of “comparing myself to the amount of words within the work of another” plays out every time I read a blog, or text that is in association with the same “goal” that I have set out for myself. All of this coming from my formative years, where I have learned, through schooling, on how to become competitive through such trivial aspects as “the amount of words one can express within a written document”.

So, it is with this particular pattern in mind that I filtered most if not all of the texts that I read today regarding the particular points that others are facing within their process of self-forgiveness. This pattern pushed me to be more concerned with the amount of words that a person is able to express within their blogs, rather than the SUBSTANCE of their texts as the meaning and implication of their blogs.

Self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel “less than” another when comparing myself to the amount of words I come up with within a text and the amount of words another come up with within a text.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play the comparison game, feeding the mind through games of “winners and losers” whenever I am reading a text/blog/written work of another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value into the amount of words I can come up with within a text/blog/written document rather than placing value within and as myself as the honest expression of who I am which doesn’t care about the amount of words written or spoken.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to place value within the honest expression of myself as the act of “writing myself out” without any concern or interests in what another has written within his/her process of self-perfection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less secure about myself whenever I write a document/blog that doesn’t have the amount or words that I have deemed as giving worth to my written works simply because of the amount of words I may or may not have had the capacity to express as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less secure about myself whenever I am confronted with the task of writing a document/blog within the perspective of reaching an amount of words per document/blog in order to make it “valid” as was the case when I was within the educational system from within which I wrote only to make it so that my documents/texts/exam would meet the predefined requirements of reaching a specific amount of words in order to make them “valid” thus “evaluable” within the eyes of the educational system.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to release myself from the pattern of “writing to reach specific amount of words per texts” that I acquired as I was growing up within the educational system of the world, rather than writing unconditionally as a pure expression of myself without any concern for the “amounts of words” I may or may not reach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be concerned about the amount of words I will write whenever I am at the start of writing a text/work/document/blog thus not writing in self-honesty but writing within the dishonest nature of the mind through me writing from the starting point of the mind as thought as illusions directing me rather than me as the physical as life directing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being a “person of few words” and from within this have accepted and allowed myself to limit my expression to that of that self-definition rather than simply expressing myself through what comes up as the mind, without trying to limit what comes up so that I may express myself fluently as that which is HERE resurfacing within and as me, equal and one with what I have accepted and allowed myself to be as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself into the tactic that I have used in order to reach the goals as the number of words set out by my teachers within the educational system as the tactic of using “fillers” as words without any personal meaning or sense, being only written/expressed in order that I reach the goal set out by my teachers regarding the amount of words per document, rather than writing unconditionally from the starting point of me HERE as what and who I am standing within and as the physical as life.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that the “empty spaces” that comes up whenever I am within the act of writing is me telling to myself that I am not writing from within the starting point of self-honesty but am writing from within the starting point of self-dishonesty because of me thus not writing to express each and every point of myself as myself outward in written form, but me writing to reach a “goal” set out by the “mind” through which my concern/interests becomes that of the mind = “reaching a specific amount of words” rather than what is best for all as the deconstruction of  myself through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application in order to stand within and as the physical which is Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall within the pattern of “finding the exact word in order to express myself” rather than expressing myself as life as the words that comes up within and as me, equal and one as the mind as that which I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that the “hard time I have finding the exact word” when writing a text/document/blog is me telling to myself that I am not writing from the starting point of self-honesty, but am writing from the starting point of self-dishonesty where I write in order to “please those that may read my works” through “words” that shows that “I know stuff” rather than using words that simply expresses who I have become as the mind – within which I use the words in order to free myself from myself as the mind rather than reinforcing myself as the mind through words that are written from the starting point of “wanting to show my knowledge to another”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play the “comparison game” whenever I read the blogs/documents/works of another within which I compare the words that another uses within their works to the words that I may have used within such circumstances as described by the blogs/documents/works of another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to the amount of words that another blogger/writer has reached within his blog/written document rather than remaining HERE stable within the starting point of actively observing what comes up within me so that I may self-forgive on any opportunities that comes up telling me that I have missed a point of self-forgiveness and from there, stand up, self-forgive and self-correct.

If and when I see myself moving or about to move into the mind through the "concern of the number of words" pattern, I stop, breathe, remind myself that it is a pattern of me as the mind I no longer want to engage for it is not what is best for me and what is best for all, One and Equal.

When and as I see myself moving into the automatic personality of comparison of "she/he is more than me because of being able to write more than me", I stop, breathe, see if i have missed an opportunity to self-correct into Oneness and Equality from which the comparison arose, if so, I forgive myself, stand up from the comparison game and self-correct, if not i stop, self-forgive my participation in comparison as an automated response to a pattern of self-abuse and bring myself back Here in and as Breath.

I commit myself to stop myself from entertaining ideas and beliefs about "being less or more than another because of the amount of words reached within a written document" and from blaming myself and others as "being more or less than me", through the use of thoughts and emotions, ideas and beliefs, comparisons and games of winners and losers to establish myself as an example of how Life could be for everyone outside of the limited living of the Mind of illusions and back into Life as the Physical, One and Equal for every living Being.