self-forgiveness on being bipolar and on medication

I have been diagnosed as being bipolar ever since 2003, where I then experienced my first psychosis. There are a lot of self imposed definitions that came from that diagnosis when I was 25 years old. Today, I have to live with the hinderance of medication since I have been court ordered to take medication. I will do self-forgiveness on the beliefs that I have associated with the medication that I take to treat my bipolar disorder.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need medication in order to equilibrate my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the meditation that I take are slowing my mind down as that is what I have been told by the psychiatrist in regards to the antipsychosis medication that I have to take.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the "slowing down of the mind" that I experience while taking the medication as the antipsychosis drug that I am imposed to take.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to end my life because of having to take medication for the next 3 years as ordered by the court within which I fear having to live as a dumbed down version of what I am through the dumbing down effects of the medications upon my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to live as a dumbed down version of myself because of the belief that if I am to be "less than who I was" prior to the time where I was medicated, that life will be too difficult for me to handle because of not being able to express myself the same way as before because of the "expression blocking inducing effects" of the medication that I am forced to take.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself through the filter of the medication through the belief that the medication do in fact slow the processes of my self-expression down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the medication take effect upon my mind as the effect of me being slowed down through the processes of my self-expression as the medicated effects of the medication that i am forced to take.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to die because of having been imposed to live the next 3 years through the experienced difficulties of self-expression that I currently experience because of the medication that is acting within my body/mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to live through the inherent difficulties that the medication imposes upon my self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to kill myself because of not living the life that I want to live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience confusion within my mind as I am expressing myself when within the influence of the medication because of the belief that the medication has an effect upon me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the medication have an effect upon my expression from within which I allowed myself to want to kill myself because of the excuse as the effect of the medication that it has limited my self-expression which makes me feel uncomfortable being me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable being me because of living as the effects of the socially imposed medication from within which I feel as if I am but a shadow of what I was before.