mardi 31 mai 2011

Pardon de Soi - Mes Regrets

Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter la vie que j’ai créée pour moi. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter ne pas avoir écouté ceux qui m’ont mis en garde de mon style de vie erratique lorsque j’étais jeune. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter ne pas avoir écouté mon enseignant d’informatique lorsqu’il m’eut dit de faire attention à mon style de vie « aléatoire ».Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter ne pas avoir suivi les conseils de Redha lorsque je travaillais pour Bell Sympatico, alors qu’il m’eut prévenu que ma naïveté n’allait pas me servir dans la vie.Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter ne pas m’avoir pris aux sérieux lorsque j’étais aux études, en particulier lorsque j’étudiais en communication et en informatique.Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter d’avoir étudier en communication que pour « passer le temps ».Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter le temps ou j’avais des broches pour acquis.a vie.Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter le temps où j’avais des broches comme étant « sans importance ».Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter le temps où j'avais des broches comme étant inconséquent dans ma vie.
Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de justifier la période où j’avais mes broches comme étant une période ou je n'étais pas vraiment moi-même.Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis d’utiliser l’excuse que celui que j'étais vraiment n'étais pas encore présent alors que j’étais dans la période de ma vie où je portais des broches.Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis d’utiliser l’excuse et de croire que celui que j'étais vraiment était contenu dans l'espoir de celui que j'allais être une fois seulement que je n'aurais plus mes broches. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter de m'avoir leurrer à croire que j'allais être une plus belle personne que lorsque j'allais ne plus avoir mes broches. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de négliger la personne que j'étais dans la période où j'avais mes broches, sous le prétexte que je n'étais pas "moi-même" et que tout ce que je faisais alors était inconséquent à celui que j'étais dans ma tête, puisque celui que j'étais dans ma tête était "inconnu" donc "insaisissable" et "invincible" puisque "inconnu" donc "inaperçu". Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter de m'avoir perdu dans mes espoirs futurs et de ne pas m'avoir permis de m'exprimer pour celui que j'étais dans la période ou je portais mes broches. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir cru que j’allais avoir une meilleure vie si ma mâchoire allait être corrigé. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir dit que j'allais me tuer si je n'allais pas avoir l'opération qui consistait à changer mon visage afin de corriger la difformité que je percevais comme étant à la cause de toutes mes souffrances. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir blâmé ma mâchoire comme étant la cause de toutes mes souffrances dans la vie.
Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir blâmé mon visage comme étant à la cause de toutes mes souffrances dans ma vie, qui se sont présentées plus souvent qu'autrement sous forme de rejet de mes pairs. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir donné du pouvoir aux opinions des autres, en particuliers des élèves que je côtoyais durant mon adolescence, qui me disaient que j'étais laid et que j'étais un extra-terrestre. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir donné raison à ceux qui ont dit que j'étais laid et par le fait même, que j'étais inférieur à eux. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir étendu mon complexe d'infériorité sur toute l'humanité parce que je n'ai pas eu le courage de vivre honnêtement en tant que qui je suis vraiment, plutôt que de vivre à me cacher sous un masque d’apparence seulement. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir vécu ma vie à porter un masque parce que j'avais terriblement peur d'être vu pour qui je suis sans mon masque. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis d’avoir eu peur d’être vu pour qui je suis sans mon masque. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir cru que mon masque est qui je suis et d'avoir supprimer et négliger ma véritable identité qui se cachais sous mon masque. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter de m'avoir supprimé et de m'avoir négliger en tant que l'expression honnête de qui je suis derrière mon masque. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter de ne pas m'avoir levé contre l'oppression des élèves qui se moquaient de moi lorsque j'étais adolescent. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter de m'avoir soumis à la peur d'être ridiculisé si je m'exprimais pour ce que je ressentais en mon intérieur lorsque j'étais opprimé par les étudiants alors que j'étais au secondaire. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter de ne pas m'avoir levé lorsqu'on me lançaient des objets sur la tête en me criant des insultes simplement parce que j'étais différent des autres. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter de m'avoir définis comme étant laid, donc inférieur aux autres, parce que c'est ce que les autres me faisaient sentir lorsqu'ils se moquaient de moi. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir donner mon pouvoir d'expression aux sentiments d'infériorité que je ressentais lorsque je me faisais ridiculisé par les étudiants lorsque j'étais adolescent et d’ainsi donc, m’être refermé sur moi-même plutôt que prendre position et me lever pour qui je suis en tant que un et égal à tout le monde. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter de ne pas m'avoir permis de me lever contre l'oppression lorsqu’on riait de moi. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter de ne pas avoir donné plus d'effort pour réussir lorsque j'étais aux études. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter de ne pas avoir été populaire auprès des filles lorsque j'étais adolescent. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter de ne pas avoir eu de relations sexuelles avec une fille lorsque j'étais adolescent. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter de ne pas avoir eu de relations sexuelles avec Sandra Bérubé lorsque j'étais à la fin de mon adolescence.
Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter de ne pas avoir demandé à la petite amie de Sandra Bérubé de 11 ans, de faire l'amour avec moi. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter de ne pas avoir écouté mes sentiments et mes émotions lorsque je sentais en moi qu'une opportunité de développer une relation avec une fille se présentait devant moi. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter de ne pas avoir su passer à l'action lorsque mes émotions et mes sentiments me disaient que j'étais désiré par la fille qui était devant moi. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir négligé mes sentiments et mes émotions lorsqu'ils me disaient que j'étais désiré par une fille. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir mis ma confiance seulement en ma raison pour déterminé si j'avais une chance ou non avec une fille. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter ne pas avoir écouté et agis sur mes émotions lorsqu'ils me disaient que j'étais désiré par une fille, et ce sans équivoque. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir douté de mes émotions et mes sentiments envers une fille lorsque ces derniers étaient si intense qu’ils ne laissaient aucuns doutes. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter n'avoir pas donner raison à mes sentiments et à mes émotions lorsqu'ils me disaient que j'étais désiré par la fille sur laquelle était placé mon attention. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir continuellement eu recours à ma raison uniquement pour identifier si j'avais une chance ou non avec une fille. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter m'avoir permis de me séparer de mes émotions et de mes sentiments pour n'écouter que ma raison rationnelle et empirique lorsque venait les moments ou je sentais que j'avais une chance avec une fille pour faire l'amour. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter ne pas avoir saisi les opportunités de rentrer en relation avec les filles qui me faisaient de l'effet lorsqu'elles se présentaient à moi. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter n'avoir donner raison qu'à ce que j'entendais venir de la bouche des autres comme étant la seule et unique version de la réalité que je me devais de suivre. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter ne pas avoir saisi l'opportunité de dire à Sandra Bérubé que je voulais faire l'amour avec elle. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter ne pas avoir saisi l'opportunité de dire à isabelle martelle que je l'aimais et que j'aurais aimé être son "chum". Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter de ne pas avoir saisi l'opportunité de dire à Christine Charlebois que je l'aimais et que je la trouvais à mon goût. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter de ne pas avoir su trouver le courage pour dire à Christine Charlebois que je l'aimais et que j'aurais aimé sortir avec elle. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir laissé mes peurs et mon statut de rejeté prendre le dessus sur moi lorsque j'étais en la compagnie de Christine Charlebois et qu'en raison de cela, que je me considérais indigne de considérer l'idée même d'être aimé et apprécié par elle.
Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir laissé mon mental prendre le dessus de mes intentions lorsque j'étais dans la compagnie de Christine Charlebois. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter ne pas avoir vécu une histoire d'amour avec Christine Charlebois. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir laissé la peur de ce que les autres allaient dire – ceux qui me niaisais et me ridiculisait - si j'avais exprimé jusqu'à quel point j'étais en amour avec Christine Charlebois. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir eu peur des réactions des autres élèves si ils avaient été au courant des mes sentiments pour Christine Charlebois. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir eu peur des réactions de Christine Charlebois si je lui avais dit que je j'étais amoureux d'elle. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir supprimé mes désirs sexuels et mes désirs amoureux par peur d'être rejeté par celles que je trouvais à mon goût. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir supprimé mes désirs sexuels et amoureux sous la croyance que je suis supérieur à ces "impulsions bestiales". Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter de m'avoir permis de m'empêcher de saisir les opportunités qui se sont présentés à moi pour rentrer en relations avec des filles, sous le prétexte que cela n'était pas ce que je voulais être, sous le prétexte que l'image que je me faisais de moi-même était "supérieur" à ces désirs qui me rongeait de l'intérieur. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter ne pas avoir donné raison à mes désirs ressenties en tant qu’impulsions énergétiques intérieure, lorsque ces derniers se sont manifesté en moi. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter ne pas avoir donné raisons à mes désirs sexuels, mais d'avoir donné raison à mon mental qui me disait que j'étais « supérieur » à ces désirs. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir limité mon expression à des idées de supériorité spirituelles plutôt que de vivre ce que je voulais vraiment vivre du plus profond de mes trippes lorsque j'étais en compagnie de filles que je désirais. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter ne pas avoir donné plus d'effort pour réussir mes études primaires. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter ne pas avoir donné plus d'effort pour réussir mes études secondaires.
Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter ne pas avoir donné plus d'effort pour réussir mes études collégiales. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter ne pas avoir donné plus d'effort pour réussir mes études universitaires. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir passé une vie sous l'idée que je ne suis pas assez populaire pour me valoriser dignement en tant qu'être humain. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir passé une vie à regarder la vie passer devant moi plutôt que de m'impliquer activement dans la vie. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter de m'avoir imposer des conditions mentales à atteindre avant de m'exprimer sans relâche et activement dans la vie. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter de m'avoir imposer la condition de devoir être dans une relation avec une fille avant de participer activement dans la vie. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir attendu toute ma vie pour avoir une blonde avant de m'impliquer dans la vie. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir vécu une vie passive parce que je n'ai jamais réussi à avoir une blonde pour une période suffisamment longue pour me donner l'impression que j’en avais une. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir réduit mon expression à avoir ou ne pas avoir de blonde. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir passé ma vie à rechercher passivement la compagnie des autres parce que je ne voulais pas m'impliquer avant d'avoir atteint les conditions que je m’étais fixé. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter de m'avoir défini comme étant trop laid pour travailler. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter de m'avoir défini comme étant trop laid pour exister. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter de m'avoir défini comme étant trop laid pour m'exposer dans un environnement de travail avec d'autres employés.
Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis d’avoir peur de m'exposer dans un environnement de travail avec d'autres employés. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis d’avoir peur de revivre le rejet que j’ai vécu lorsque j’étais dans un environnement « commun » comme celui à l’intérieur duquel je me trouvais lorsque j’étais dans des institutions scolaires, à l’intérieur desquels j’ai vécu des expériences de rejets. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir donné tant de pouvoir au paraitre, avant de considérer "l'être" véritable que je suis en vérité et en toute honnêteté. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter de m'être séparé entre le paraître et l'être pour éventuellement faire en sorte que je me sois perdu dans l'illusion du paraitre au déni de l'être que je suis vraiment. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter ne pas avoir fais l'amour lorsque j'étais adolescent. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter ne pas avoir fait l'amour avec Fannie Labrosse, ma cousine. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir eu des fantasmes sexuelles auprès de ma cousine, Fannie Labrosse. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir voulu faire l'amour à ma cousine alors qu'elle était âgé de 10 ans et que j'en avais 20. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir eus des pensées pédophiles depuis ce temps. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir désiré faire l'amour à des fillettes qui ressemblais à ma cousine Fannie Labrosse. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir imaginé Fannie Labrosse nue et faisant l'amour avec moi lorsqu'elle était encore une fillette.
Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter m'avoir masturbé à plusieurs reprises en m'imaginant faire l'amour à ma cousine de 10 ans.
Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir cru qu'un jour je ferais l'amour a ma cousine. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir encore des désirs sexuelles lorsque je pense à des petites filles nues. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter ne pas avoir demandé de l'aide lorsque je savais que j'avais des pensées pédophiles. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir téléchargé des images de jeunes fillettes nues dans mon ordinateur. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter m'être masturbé devant des vidéos ou de jeunes fillettes nues faisaient l'amour à de vieux adultes. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir caché ce problème à tout le monde qui me connaissais. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir penser que je ferais l'amour un jour a une petite fillette. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir voulu aller a la plage ou au glissade d'eau, seulement pour regarder le corps des petites fillettes se déambuler devant moi en petite tenue. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir imaginé le corps des petites fillettes nues alors que je me promenais dans la ville, dans les plages ou dans les parcs aquatique.
Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir rêvé à des fantasmes sexuels ou je faisais l'amour à de jeunes fillettes. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir continué a me masturber en train de regarder des images de jeunes filles nues devant mon ordinateur, alors que je savais amplement que cela était mal. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter de ne pas avoir écouter ma raison lorsque je me masturbais devant les images de jeunes filles nues à l'écran d'ordinateur. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter de ne pas avoir écouter ma raison lorsque je me masturbais devant des images de jeunes filles nues tout autant que des images de femmes nues devant l'écran d'ordinateur. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter de ne pas avoir réalisé que de me masturber contribuait à la situation actuelle d'abus et de viols dans le monde. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter de m'avoir placer la tête "sous le sable" lorsque le sujet de pédophilie ou de masturbation se présentait à moi. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter de m'avoir caché de ma véritable nature lorsque j'étais confronté à ma propre malhonnêteté. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir eu peur d'exprimer et d'exposer le monstre que je suis en mes pensées pour avoir eu des pensées et des actions aussi ignobles. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter de m'avoir permis de me cacher de mon ombre. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter de m'avoir permis de croire que j'étais la lumière. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter de ne pas m'avoir permis de réaliser que je voulais être la lumière seulement pour balancer les pensées négatives et ignobles que j'avais à mon égards et à l'égards de la vie en général.
Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter d'avoir cru en la spiritualité comme étant ma véritable nature parce que je ne voulais pas faire face à toutes les pensées ténébreuses qui régnaient dans les abîmes de mon âme. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de croire que j’étais les pensées ignobles qui régnaient dans les abîmes de mon âme. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de croire que je suis les pensées qui règnent dans mon âme. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter de m'avoir réfugié dans la spiritualité pour cacher la honte que j'avais de tout ce que je me permettais de faire et de penser. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter d'avoir été un hypocrite à toutes les occasions ou un individu qui était proclamé comme étant pédophile, se faisait huer par les autres, auquel je participais pour cacher les pensées pédophiles que j'avais. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de participer à l’hypocrisie de ce monde. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis d’être hypocrite par peur d’être ridiculisé ou rejeté l’expression honnête celui que je suis vraiment. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir pensé que de faire l'amour a une petite fillette allait me rendre heureux.
Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir pensé que de faire l'amour a une petite fillette allait me purger de ma souffrance. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir penser que de faire l'amour a une petite fillette allait me donner le pouvoir que je recherchais. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter m'avoir permis de définir le pouvoir comme étant ce qui s'applique et s'atteint qu'avec la force physique. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter ne pas m'avoir permis de me lever de ma condition mentale et d'arrêter tout comportements et toutes pensées qui ne sont pas qui je suis, mais qui sont seulement des programmes qui se recycles en mon subconscient jusqu'à ce que je décide autrement - jusqu'à ce que je décide d'arrêter définitivement d'y participer. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir cru que j'allais seulement être libéré lorsque j'allais mourir, comme par magie. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir cru que la mort soit la seule chose qui pourrait me libérer de l'enfer qu'est ma vie sur terre. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir cru que j'allais être davantage capable d'élucider mes problèmes terrestre seulement lorsque j'allais être dans l'au-delà.
Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir cru que la mort est la seule chose qui puisse me sauver. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter ne pas m'avoir permis de prendre la responsabilité de mes actions ici même et d'arrêter une fois pour toute d'y participer en mon mental. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir cru à tout ce qu'on m'a dit que j'étais. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter de m'avoir définis et de m'avoir limiter comme étant ce qu'on ma dit que j'étais. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir cru que j'étais incapable d'avoir ce que je veux dans la vie. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir cru que j'étais stupide en raison des faibles notes que j'obtenais lorsque j'étais au primaire, au secondaire, au cégep et à l’université. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir cru que j'étais inférieur à ma sœur, puisqu'elle est apparemment plus belle que moi. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir exprimé une expression d'infériorité - dans ma démarche, dans ma voix, dans mes paroles, dans mon attitude, dans ma présentation - lorsque j'étais en compagnie de gens que je considérais comme étant plus beau que moi, donc supérieur a moi. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de définir les gens que je considère comme étant plus beau que moi comme étant supérieur à moi. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter de m'être laissé abattre avant même d'avoir essayé de me lever lorsque j'étais confronté à des gens qui me ridiculisaient auxquelles je jugeais comme étant plus beau que moi. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de figer mon expression sous la tutelle de l’anxiété lorsque j’étais devant des personnes que je jugeais comme étant plus belle que moi. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter de m'avoir limité à l'apparence comme étant la gauge de mon expression.
Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter ne pas avoir étudié et participé avec plus de détermination lorsque j'étudiais en informatique pour devenir informaticien. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter ne pas avoir donné plus d'effort alors que j’étais aux études, pour m'assurer un meilleur avenir que celui à l'intérieur duquel je me trouve en ce moment. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter ne pas m'avoir donné à fond aux sujets et aux exercices qui étaient destiné à me forger un bon avenir. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter de m'avoir permis de vivre le moment présent, sans aucunes considérations du futur parce que j'avais peur d'y penser. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir peur du futur. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter de m'avoir permis d'utiliser l'excuse de "je vie pour le présent parce que le présent est tout ce qu'il y a" pour cacher ma peur du futur. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir eu peur du futur par peur d'être un adulte. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir eu le désir de me tuer plutôt que de vivre en tant qu'adulte. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir favorisé la mort à la vie d'adulte. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir inséré toutes mes peurs à l'intérieur de ce que je percevais comme étant un adulte. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter ne pas avoir su arrêter ma pensée lorsque j'étais conscient qu'elle plongeait dans la folie. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir alimenté la croyance que je suis un être supérieur, en influençant mes amis à croire que le projet "code conscience" allait véritablement se réaliser alors que je savais très bien que c'en était impossible. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter avoir bâtit mon identité autour de cette expérience où j'étais si loin dans mon esprit, que je me croyais comme étant Dieu. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter de m'avoir séparé des autres autour de moi en tant que qui je suis vraiment. Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter de m'avoir isolé des autres par peur d'être ridiculisé et rejeté.

samedi 28 mai 2011

Self-forgiveness on my sister

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of my sister.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear igniting the wrath of my sister’s emotion.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my expression when faced with my sister's emotions.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the rage of my sister.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear making my sister angry by expressing myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my self-expression when facing my sister because of the fear i have of making her angry.

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to suppress my emotions as sadness when my sister answers me with rage.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my feelings and emotions by going into the male ego of the mind and thus to hide my feelings and emotions in order to portray an image of superiority.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself as my feelings and emotions as the inferiority as me.

I forgive myself that i haven’t accepted and allowed myself to accept inferiority as me

I forgive myself that i haven’t accepted and allowed myself to express inferiority as me because of the male ego within which i express superiority through the fear of expressing what i have accepted and allowed as inferiority within and as me.

Till here no further: i do not accept and allow inferiority within and as me.

Till here no further: i do not accept and allow superiority within and as me

Till here no further: i do not accept and allow myself to suppress my feelings and emotions only to portray false self confidence as the ego of the mind

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my self-expression when i am faced with someone as my sister which expresses their emotions loudly and furiously

 I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear my sister’s emotions

 I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the fears of the mind

 Till here no further: I am not the fears of the mind I am HERE within and as the moment within and as the breath

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seclude myself within the perceived security of the mind when i am faced with the suppressed emotions within and as my sister – being afraid of her outburst of loud words and emotions

 What do i fear about the expression of my sister?

I fear that she will hurt me through what she will say

 I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am the ego of the mind as that which holds onto an idea of myself as myself as that which i define myself to be and thus i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the idea of myself as the ego of the mind when i am faced with the rage of my sister

 Till here no further: I am not an idea of the mind

Till here no further: i am not the ego of the mind

Till here no further: i am not the fears of the mind

I am here within and as the moment

I am here within and as the breath

I am self-honesty as me

I am not self-dishonesty as the ego of the mind

I forgive myself that i haven’t allowed myself to realise that i am not the dishonesties as the ego of the mind

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest as myself as the ego of the mind when i suppress my honest expression because of fear of reactions from others as my sister

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become the dishonesties of the mind

Till here no further: i do not accept and allow myself to be the dishonesties of the mind as the ego of the mind who fears reactions of others as my sister as myself

I forgive myself that i haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be here as who i truly am as all as one as equal no matter what and who is in front of me as myself

 I do not accept and allow dishonesties as others as myself

I stand and i direct me no matter what

I am life

 I am self-expression

I am unconditional self expression

I express me

I direct me

I am the self-directive principle of me in my world

I do not accept and allow myself to be directed by my fears of others reactions

I do not accept and allow myself to be directed by the dishonesties of others

I stand clear as myself

 I clear myself out of all that keeps me locked within and as the mindI am not the mind

I stop the mind by stopping to participate within it

 I do not accept and allow myself to participate within the dishonesties of the mind

I am here

I breathe

vendredi 27 mai 2011

Die idea of myself! Die!

That is what i have come to realise myself. I have had a desire to kill myself for long, but never actually intended on doing it, for there was always the common sence of the futility of this action that arose from these thoughts. However, as soon as i started practically applying myself through self forgiveness, SELF-CORRECTIVE ACTION and self honesty, i have become to shift this 'will to kill myself' to the will to 'kill the IDEA of myself'. Now, what has changed is not that i have released and removed the will to kill myself, as it still exists, but NEVER AS AN ACTUAL REMOVAL OF MY PHYSICAL SELF FROM THIS PLANE BY MY OWN HANDS - as i have come to realise, through my personal process, that what i truly wanted to KILL all those years, was the 'FUCKING' illusion of myself!

Only recently, about 1 week ago, i have came back to the same starting point of self-pity that i couldn't shake out of me as much as i practically applied myself through self-forgiveness. Then, it occured to me - the reason why i couldn't shake the pity construct within me, was that i was keeping it in operation within my subconscious mind, by CONTINUING TO PARTICIPATE WITHIN THE POLAR OPPOSITE OF THIS CONSTRUCT, BY A BEHAVIOR THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO LET GO OF, BECAUSE OF THE FEAR THAT I PERCEIVED THAT IF I LET GO OF THIS HABIT OF MINE, THAT I WOULD BE REJECTED BY ALL AND EVERYONE. The habit was that i kept on wearing my hat! This may seem like some small thing for you all, but for me it meant the world! My hat was my perceived protection against rejection. My hat was my protection against my rejection from others, as it kept my big forehead from being exposed for all to see.

You see, i have had a particular relationship with my forehead all of my life, as it's sise had been the cause of many pains while growing up. I was constantly rejected by my peers when i was in my teenage years, my college years and my university years - all because of what i looked like (at least, as far as i let myself believe). I mean, i am not a monster or anything, but my forehead has stigmatised me so extensively as i was growing up, that it became my greatest shame - the one part of myself that i really couldn't accept as everybody seemed to make fun of it and reject me for it. I was the victim of all bullies when i was a teenager, and on top of that, my father made fun of me every eavening when i came back from school.

See, for me my 'growing up' years had been utter hell, and i could not imagine a greater hell than that of being teased all the time, looking to hide myself all the time from the bullies so that i could have had some peace and quiet - always on the lookout for a bathroom within which i could hide myself when it was recess and dinner time (actually spending most of my time in small toilets, eating all by myself in tiny dark toilet rooms, because i was too afraid of seeing a bully and be bullied and laughed at by all and everyone at school - which happenned many times). So, as i was 'building' myself my own sense of identity throughout that time, i never could reach the level of confidence that others seemed to have while growing up, simply because i never allowed me to be confident because of the lack of support as friends and girlfriends that i was looking for me to experience myself as confident. Thus, what i have developped at the core of my beingness, was that my greatest asset was that i could HIDE from that which I feared.

So, since what i feared the most out of life was being teased, as it made me feel extremely embarassed and uncomfortable simply for being ME... but i couldn'T do anything about it other than to HIDE from the many bullies that had their fun when they made me feel as if i was a disease.

I couldn't do anything about it, as i was outnumbered and the only thing i could do was to repress my anger and my sadness for being treated this way - i couldn't hide or run away because the problem was apparently my face/forehead. It was hell as not only i was teased at at school, which never helped me building myself a sense of self-esteem, i was also teased by my father who, instead of beating me like he used to when i was a child, had 'evolved' his ways to 'teasing me and making fun of me in front of my friends and loved ones'.

What was conflicting within me, however, was that i truly didn't see why i was teased like that. I liked my physical appearance and i just couldn't understand why i was treated as if i was ugly as hell. I remember, that the first time i thought about killing myself was when i was about 13 years old, as i was looking at my face in the mirror, i thought about killing myself for a flash of an instant, but then i said to myself 'of course not - why would I? I love myself - i cannot kill myself" - and that was all there was to it.

This idea that i had of being beautiful, was always met with opposition when i faced who i was in front of my peers at school, as i couldn't understand why i saw myself as being beautiful and those around me saw me as being ugly. It created a confusion within my mind. I sarted to believe that there was maybe something wrong with me for seeing me as being beautiful while the others saw me as being ugly. I was lost within confusion but i held onto what i saw myself as being, and discarded and claimed within my mind, that it was the others that were fools to see me as being ugly.

Within this mindset, i couldn't however as far as i let myself at the time, stop the abuse from the others at school as i was the central focus of all of their meaneness. The only thing i could do, was to hide like i said earlier. So, it was then that i started to develop the habit to hide myself when i felt insecure.

The problem tho, was that that feeling of insecurity, having been with me for 4 years straight - as it was within 4 years of high school that i experienced the psychological abuse - stayed with me as it was at the core of the 'social self' that i had started to develop as i was a teenager. Within this core as the identity of myself, i defined myself as being insecure thus, i needed something to make me feel secure - which was an illusion of my identity. So, since i was always teased at because of people calling me derogatory names that were related to my forehead, i started the habit of wearing a hat.

My hat then became my savior, as when i was with a hat, people completely changed their approach towards me. People that didn't knew me before, started telling me that i was beautiful, and i actually managed to have a few girlfriends after getting to know them with a hat on.

And so i have maintained this habit up to last week, as ever since then - which is almost 15 years in the making - i have relied on my hat for security and to project an image of me that would make others want to know me - based of physical attributes. Even when i started doing sf and reading all the documents on desteni web site, i knew that i had to at one point come to the decision to not wear anymore my hat - forever. I had come to despise my hat because i saw it as being my curse - that i had to wear my hat in order for people to be nice and friendly with me, as the behavior of most drastically changed when i showed myelf without my hat on. My fear was thus to face myself nakedly in front of others, as i knew that my past would somehow come back to haunt me - the past where i was rejected because of my big forehead before i came to the 'hat solution'. I have tried in the past to let my hat go completely, but it never lasted as the core issue was still lingering within myself - not anymore tho!

You see, i have come to realise through writing and sf, that as long as i would not apply myself and face myself for who i am - vulnerably - that i would never transcend that MAJOR point within me. I had to apply myself based on the sf that i have come to realize. My hat was not only 'protecting me' from the diminutive gazes of others, but that it was most importantly, maintaining the pity construct within me - a construct that was so omnipresent within me, that it affected EVERYTHING that i did, especially my expression!

with the hat construct within my mind, acting as a buffer through which i observed and interacted with reality, i've never really exposed myself through my expression. When i had my hat on, i expressed myself as the person that i wasn't - only expressing myself for appearance purposes as a being which i am not - and when i didn'T had my hat on, i was within a secluded space within my mind where i expressed the opposite of what i expressed myself as when i had my hat on, which was self-pity.

You see, i was self-pity and the hat maintained this construct of self-pity to stay within my mind, because i didn't yet have the courage to live as self-honesty as me. But about a week ago, i've come to the final point of my allowances within this fucked up construct of mine. And I TOOK A STAND!! I THREW UP ALL OF MY HATS and only keeping one that i placed in a place that is so far and hard to reach, that if i am to take it, the strain that i would have to go through to take it would remind me of my decision of not wearing it no more.

So, i stopped wearing my hat and i started facing myself for who i was.

I ah the release to finally walk outside and NOT CARE about what another person thinks or say is so releaving, that many points came back up to my awareness as i finally applied my realizations through SF.

One of those points concerned the idea to kill myself. I realised that it is not me that i want to kill but the fucking idea of myself. And by me stopping wearing my hat, i started to realise that the one i wnated to kill, was the one with the fucjking hat on! The fake me!

Now, i am determined to kill all the remnants of the illusory self, because i have managed to kill such a great part by stopping wearing my hats, that i have now the momentum to stop and kill everything else that pulls me back within the ego of the mind, instead of being here as breath as self-honesty as me.

Die idea Die! I do not accept and allow myself to express myself as the idea of myself as it is NOT who i am! Who i am is here in self-honesty as me as the physical - no judgments - and i will do whatever it takes to stop the mind once and for all.

mercredi 25 mai 2011

Self-forgiveness on regret

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret the life that i created for myself.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having listened to those that warned me of my erratic life style when I was young.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having listened to my computer science teacher when he told me to be careful not to let my random life style lead me astray from the path.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having followed the recommendations of Redha when I was working for Bell Sympatico, where he warned me that my naivety will cause me pain in life.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having taken my studies seriously, in particular when I was studying in communications and in computer sciences.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having studied in communications only so that I could “pass the time”, only so that I could fill the time that separated me from the removal of my braces, so that it could past faster – not taking any of my studies seriously, but only as a “time filler” to reach my goal of removing my braces. I forgive myself that I haven’t taken the time of my studies in communications more seriously. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret having taken the time where I had braces for granted.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret the time where I had braces as being “without importance”. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret the time where I had braces as being inconsequential in my life.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to justify the time where I had my braces as being a time where I wasn’t really myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse that the one who I really was, wasn’t there yet when I was within the time of my life where I were braces – I let every remarks and bad experiences flow right through me because I held onto the belief that who I was wasn’t there yet, and that whatever happened to me that was bad within this time frame, was irrelevant and didn’t affect me because I convinced myself that I wasn’t myself throughout that period, only because I had braces and that I hadn’t had my “jaw operation” yet, to which I used as the foundation of the belief that who I was was only the one who would come out of the operation and of the wearing of the braces in the future.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse consisting of the belief that the one who I really am is contained within the hopes of the one that I was going to be once I would be rid of the braces.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having lured me into the belief that I would a prettier human being when I would get rid of the braces.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the person who I really was within the time frame where I had braces on, under the pretext that I wasn’t” myself “ and that all that I did within this time frame was inconsequential to the one who I really was, since I imagined my true self to be within the future expectations that I kept within my mind - the one who I was within my head as the one which I saw myself to become, couldn’t be attained or touched since he was in my head, thus unknown and unassailable and invincible to all that tried to hurt me, since who I was was unknown thus unseen.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having lost myself within my future hopes and to not have allowed myself to express myself for who I really was here, within the time frame where I wore my braces.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having believed that I would have had a better life if my jaw would be corrected.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having said that I were going to kill myself if I were not going to have the operation that consisted of changing my face so that I could correct the perceived deformity of my jaw that I perceived as being one of the great cause of all of my sufferings.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having blamed my jaw as being the cause of all of my sufferings in life.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret blaming my face as being the cause of all of my sufferings in my life, which presented themselves more often than not within the form of rejection from my peers.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having given power to the opinions of those, in particular within my school years while I was a teenager, which told me that I was ugly and that I was an extra-terrestrial.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having given the benefit of the doubt to those that told me that I was ugly and because of that, that I was inferior to others.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having expanded my inferiority complex upon all of humanity because I haven’t had the courage to live self-honestly as who I really am, instead of living a life of shame by hiding myself underneath a mask of appearances only.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having lived a life hiding behind a mask because I was terribly afraid of being seen for who I really was without my mask.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen for who I am without my mask.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having believed that my mask is who I am and to have suppressed and neglected my true identity which was hiding behind my mask.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having suppressed and neglected who I am as the honest expression of myself behind the mask.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having stood up in front of the oppression from the students who bullied me when I was a teenager.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having submitted myself to the fear of being ridiculed if I were to express myself for who I felt myself to be within myself when I was oppressed by my classmates while I was in high school.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having stood up when classmates threw stuff at my head while screaming insults towards me simply because I was “different” than others.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having defined myself as being ugly, thus inferior to others because that is what the others made me feel when they were insulting me.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having given my power of expression to the feelings of inferiority that I felt when I was being ridiculed by my fellow classmates when I was a teenager and thus, to have closed myself within myself instead of taking position and self-responsibility as all as one as equal and stood up for who I am as all as one as equal as life.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having given myself permission to stand up against the oppression when people insulted and ridiculed me.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having given a greater effort to succeed when I was studying.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having been popular in the eyes of girls when I was a teenager.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having had sexual relationships with a girl when I was a teenager.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having had sexual relations with Sandra Bérubé when I was at the end of my teenage years.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having asked the younger friend of Sandra Bérubé of 11 years old, to have sex with me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have sexual desires towards the 11 year old friend of Sandra Bérubé because she was affectionate with me when I was 19 years old.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having listened to my feelings and my emotions when I felt within me that an opportunity to develop a relationship with a girl was being presented to me.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having known when to pass into action when my emotions and my feelings informed me that I was desired by the girls/women who were within my presence.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having neglected my feelings and my emotions when they informed me that I was desired by girl/women.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having put my confidence only within my reasoning skills and not my inner feelings as emotions and feelings, to determine if I had a chance or not with a girl/women.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having listened or act on my emotions when they informed me that I was desired by a girl, unequivocally.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret to doubt my emotions and my feelings towards a girl when they were so intense that they left no doubt within me.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having given reason to my feelings and emotions when they informed me that I was desired by the girl to which was placed my attention.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having continuously relied on my reason uniquely to identify if I had a chance or not with a girl/women.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having permitted myself to separate myself from my emotions and my feelings so that I could only listen to my rational and empirical mind when the opportunities came where I felt that I had a chance with a girl/women to have sex.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having seized the opportunities to enter in relationships with girls that made me feel desired when they presented themselves to me.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having given reason of doubt only to what I listened coming from the mouth of others as being the only version of truth that I was to follow.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having seized the opportunity to tell Sandra Bérubé that I wanted to make love to her.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having seized the opportunity to tell Isabelle Martelle that I loved her and that I would have liked to be her “boyfriend”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that all those that I loved while I was growing up, would come back to me later in life to admit their love for me.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having seized the opportunity to tell Christine Charlebois that I loved her and that I found her attractive.



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having found the courage to tell Christine Charlebois that I loved her and that I wanted to go out with her.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having allowed my fears and my status of being rejected get the better of me when I was within the company of Christine Charlebois and because of that, that I considered myself as being unworthy to even consider the idea that I could be loved and appreciated by her.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let my rational fearful mind get the best of my intentions when I was within the company of Christine Charlebois.



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having lived a love story with Christine Charlebois.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having left the fear of what others would have thought and say – those that bullied and ridiculed me in high school – if I would have expressed to Christine Charlebois how much I was in love with her.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having feared the reactions of the other students if they were to know my feelings towards Christine Charlebois.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having feared the reactions of Christine Charlebois if I were to tell her how much I was in love with her.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having repressed and suppressed my sexual desires and loving desires by the fear of being rejected by those that I found attractive/desired.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having suppressed my sexual desires and loving desires under the belief that who I was as a spiritual being is “greater than” those “lower” “bestial impulsions”.



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having allowed myself to refrain myself from seizing the opportunities when they presented themselves to me to get into a relationship with girls, under the pretext that this was not what I wanted to be, under the pretext that the idea that I made myself to be was “greater than” those desires which churned within me.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having given reason to those desires that I felt as energetic impulsions, when they were manifesting within and as me.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having given reason to my sexual desires, but have given reason to my “imagined self” which told me that I was “superior” to those desires.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having limited my expression to ideas of spiritual superiority instead of living what I really wanted to live from the depths of my guts when I was within the company of girls that I desired.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having given more effort to succeed in my primary school studies.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having given more effort to succeed in my high school studies.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having given more effort to succeed in my collegial studies.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having given more effort to succeed in my university studies.



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having lived a life under the idea that I am not popular enough to give worth to my life as a human being.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having lived a life watching the life pass by me instead of actively investing myself within it.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having imposed upon me, mental conditions to reach before expressing myself without restrain and actively in life.



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having imposed upon me, the condition to have to be within a relationship with a girl before allowing myself to actively participate within this world/society.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having waited all my life for a girlfriend before investing myself within society.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having a passive life because I never was able to have success with having a girlfriend for a time period which was sufficient for me to give me the impression that I have had a girlfriend.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having reduced my self-expression to having or not having a girlfriend.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having lived a life looking passively for the company of others because I didn’t want to invest myself in “looking to improve my life” before having reached the conditions that I fixed within myself – i.e., having a girlfriend, having a family, having a job, being popular, having a car, etc.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having defined myself as being too ugly to work.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having defined myself as being too ugly to exist.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having defined myself as being too ugly to expose myself within a working environment with other employees.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing myself within a working environment with other employees.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear reliving the rejection that I have lived when I was within a “common closed environment”, like where I found myself within when I was within the scholar institutions, within which I lived experiences of rejections.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being rejected by others, and thus, not fear not being accepted by others as myself. I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I was looking for my own acceptation instead of looking for the acceptation of others. I accept me as all as one as equal as life. I am life. I am Here.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having given all my power away to the mind picture presentation of myself, before considering the “true being” that I am in self-honesty as who I truly am.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having separated myself between the mind picture representation of myself and the “being” as myself, to eventually lose myself within the illusion of the “mind picture representation of myself” and denying “who I am as all as one as equal as life within and as the moment here”.



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having had a sexual relationship when I was a teenager.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having had a sexual relationship with Fannie Labrosse, my cousin.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having had sexual fantasies towards my cousin, F and my other cousin M.




I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having desired to have sexual relationship with young girls who looked like my cousin Fannie Labrosse.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having imagined Fannie Labrosse naked and making love to her while she was still a young girl.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having believed that one day I would make love to my cousin.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret still having sexual desires towards young girls when I think of younger naked girls.



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have some time ago, downloaded naked pictures of young girls within my computer.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having masturbated in front of videos where naked girls where making love to older adults.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having hid this problem to all those that knew me.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having thought that I would one day make love to a young girl.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret wanting to go to the beach or to the water park, only so that I could look at the bodies of young girls walk in front of me in small outfits.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having imagined the bodies of naked girls that was walking in the street, or in the beaches or in the aquatic parcs.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having dreamed of sexual fantasies where I was making love to young girls.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to continue to masturbate while watching images of naked young girls in front of my computer screen, all the while knowing that it was wrong and despicable.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having listened to the voice of reason while I was masturbating in front of images of naked girls on the computer screen.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having listened to the voice of reason when I was masturbating in front of images of young girls as well as when I was masturbating in front of naked women in front of the computer screen.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having realized when I was masturbating, that masturbation contributes to the actual situation of abuse and rape in the world.




I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having hid my “nature of mind” when I was confronted to my own dishonesties.



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having feared to express and expose the monster that I am within my thoughts/mind consciousness system, for having had thoughts and actions – masturbating while watching naked young girls making love to adults – as despicable as what I have allowed myself to become.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having allowed myself to hide myself from my own shadow as myself.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having believed that I was a being of light.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having allowed myself to realize that I wanted to be a being of light only to balance the negative and despicable thoughts that I had towards myself and towards others and life as myself.



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having believed in spirituality as being who I truly am because of me not wanting to face all of the dark thoughts that I have accepted and allowed to hide with myself within the secluded abyss of my mind.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was the despicable thoughts that ruled within the abyss of my mind.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am the thoughts that are within my mind.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having secluded myself within spirituality to hide the shame that I had of all that I allowed to think and do within my isolation from others .



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the hypocrisy of the world.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be a hypocrite through the fear of being ridiculed and rejected by the honest expression of who I have accepted and allowed myself to become as a mind consciousness system. I am not the mind consciousness system. I am not the thoughts that I keep within the secluded spaces of my mind. I expose myself for who I am. I expose myself to re-define myself as all as one as equal as life as awareness.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having thought that to make love to a young girl would render me happy.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having thought that to make love to a young girl would purge me from my sufferings of rejection.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having thought that to make love to a young girl would give me the power that I was looking for.

Je me pardonne de m’avoir permis de regretter m'avoir permis de définir le pouvoir comme étant ce qui s'applique et s'atteint qu'avec la force physique.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having allowed myself to define power as being that which applies to physical/overpowering strength.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having allowed myself to stand up within my mental condition and stop all behaviors and all thoughts that are not of who I am, but are of the mind as programs which recycles themselves within my subconscious mind until I decide differently – until I decide to definitely stop my participation within and as them. I am not the programs within my subconscious mind which desires to have sexual relationships with women as well as young girls. I stop the mind. I stop the desires. I am here. I breathe.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having believed that I would only be liberated when I would die.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having believed that death is the only thing that could liberate me from the hell which is my life on earth.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having believed that I would be more able to fix myself only when I would be in the hereafter instead of here within and as this body. Life is here as who I am as all as one as equal as my human physical body. I do not accept and allow myself to believe that I can only fix myself in the hereafter. I am fixing myself here as who I am within and as this physical body so that I birth life from the physical. I accept nothing less than who I am as all as one as equal as life as here.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having believed that death is the only thing which can save me.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having allowed myself to take responsibility of my actions here, and stop once and for all to participate within and as the mind consciousness system which consists of all that I believe myself to be. I am not my mind. I am awareness which is constant and undefined, HERE.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having believed all of that which I was told to be.



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having defined and having limited myself to be that which I was told to be.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having believed that I was incapable to have that which I wanted to have in this life.



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having believed that I was stupid because of the weak grades that I obtained when I was in primary, high, college and university school.



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having believed that I was inferior to my sister because she is apparently better looking than me.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having expressed an expression of inferiority – within my behavior, within my demeanor, within my voice, within my words, within my attitude, within my presentation – when I was within the company of those that I considered as being “better looking” than me, thus superior than me.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define those that I considered as being prettier than me, from the comparison of the mcs, as being superior than me.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having let myself down even before I stood up when I was confronted to beings who ridiculed me, to which I judged as being prettier than me and thus, allowed them to insult me and do nothing about it because they were apparently superior than me because of their appearance.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be paralyzed within my expression under the reign of fear when I was in front of beings whom I judged as being prettier than me.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having used the mind picture presentation of others and of myself as being the barometer through which I expressed myself as self-confidence.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having studied and participated with greater determination than when I was studying in computer sciences in order to become a computer scientist.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having given a greater effort when I was studying so that to assure myself a better future than the one within which I am currently in this moment, financially.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having given my all to the subjects and exercises that were destined to forged myself a greater future.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having allowed myself to live the present moment, without considerations for the future because I was afraid to think of what I would become – knowing all to well that I was heading for “social and economic failure”.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take my future more seriously and only live for the present moment.



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret fearing the future.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do anything to change the place where I was heading for as the future that I knew I was building for myself, as a poor class human being.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my future for granted because of the having a life where my mother took care of everything for me – numbing my senses to her care and not allowing me to take care of my own responsibility within this society as an independent adult.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on my mother’s presence to always give me what I need out of life – and thus, accept and allow myself to be dependant on my mother for my own survival in this world as the source from which I get all the basics that I need to live – not wanting more since I settle for the bare minimum.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to settle for the bare minimum.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret settling for the bare minimum.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having used the excuse of “I love for the present moment because the present moment is all there is” to hide my fear of the futur.



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having feared the future because of fearing being an adult. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having the desire to kill myself instead of living within and as an adult in this world.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret preferring death to the life of an adult.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having inserted all of my fears within what I perceived as being an adult when I was growing up. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become my own fears. I do not accept and allow myself to be directed by my own fear. I am HERE as all as one as equal as life. Life is not fear. I am life. I am unconditionnal self-expression as life.



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having known when to stop my thoughts when I was aware that I was plunging within madness.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having nurtured the belief that I am a superior being, by influencing my friends to believe that the “project code consciousness” was really possible to realize, while I knew all the while I was working on it, that it was impossible through my methods.



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having built my identity around this lie where I was so far within my mind, that I actually perceived myself as being god, but without the proper ‘step by step’ realizations that only come through the process of forgiveness with corrective action in self-honesty as me.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret to have separated myself from the others around me as all as one as equal as who I really am as life.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret having isolated myself from others through the fear of being ridiculed and rejected by others as me. I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that the rejections the others have towards me are the own rejections that I nurture towards myself within my own mind consciousness system.


I do not accept and allow myself to be directed by a thought
I do not accept and allow myself to be directed by the word “reject”


I expose myself for who I have accepted and allowed myself to become, so that i can stop the bullshit i have allowed as myself. I expose myself to re-define myself as all as one as equal as life as awareness through stopping the mind.

I am HERE as Life as All as One as Equal.