Die idea of myself! Die!

That is what i have come to realise myself. I have had a desire to kill myself for long, but never actually intended on doing it, for there was always the common sence of the futility of this action that arose from these thoughts. However, as soon as i started practically applying myself through self forgiveness, SELF-CORRECTIVE ACTION and self honesty, i have become to shift this 'will to kill myself' to the will to 'kill the IDEA of myself'. Now, what has changed is not that i have released and removed the will to kill myself, as it still exists, but NEVER AS AN ACTUAL REMOVAL OF MY PHYSICAL SELF FROM THIS PLANE BY MY OWN HANDS - as i have come to realise, through my personal process, that what i truly wanted to KILL all those years, was the 'FUCKING' illusion of myself!

Only recently, about 1 week ago, i have came back to the same starting point of self-pity that i couldn't shake out of me as much as i practically applied myself through self-forgiveness. Then, it occured to me - the reason why i couldn't shake the pity construct within me, was that i was keeping it in operation within my subconscious mind, by CONTINUING TO PARTICIPATE WITHIN THE POLAR OPPOSITE OF THIS CONSTRUCT, BY A BEHAVIOR THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO LET GO OF, BECAUSE OF THE FEAR THAT I PERCEIVED THAT IF I LET GO OF THIS HABIT OF MINE, THAT I WOULD BE REJECTED BY ALL AND EVERYONE. The habit was that i kept on wearing my hat! This may seem like some small thing for you all, but for me it meant the world! My hat was my perceived protection against rejection. My hat was my protection against my rejection from others, as it kept my big forehead from being exposed for all to see.

You see, i have had a particular relationship with my forehead all of my life, as it's sise had been the cause of many pains while growing up. I was constantly rejected by my peers when i was in my teenage years, my college years and my university years - all because of what i looked like (at least, as far as i let myself believe). I mean, i am not a monster or anything, but my forehead has stigmatised me so extensively as i was growing up, that it became my greatest shame - the one part of myself that i really couldn't accept as everybody seemed to make fun of it and reject me for it. I was the victim of all bullies when i was a teenager, and on top of that, my father made fun of me every eavening when i came back from school.

See, for me my 'growing up' years had been utter hell, and i could not imagine a greater hell than that of being teased all the time, looking to hide myself all the time from the bullies so that i could have had some peace and quiet - always on the lookout for a bathroom within which i could hide myself when it was recess and dinner time (actually spending most of my time in small toilets, eating all by myself in tiny dark toilet rooms, because i was too afraid of seeing a bully and be bullied and laughed at by all and everyone at school - which happenned many times). So, as i was 'building' myself my own sense of identity throughout that time, i never could reach the level of confidence that others seemed to have while growing up, simply because i never allowed me to be confident because of the lack of support as friends and girlfriends that i was looking for me to experience myself as confident. Thus, what i have developped at the core of my beingness, was that my greatest asset was that i could HIDE from that which I feared.

So, since what i feared the most out of life was being teased, as it made me feel extremely embarassed and uncomfortable simply for being ME... but i couldn'T do anything about it other than to HIDE from the many bullies that had their fun when they made me feel as if i was a disease.

I couldn't do anything about it, as i was outnumbered and the only thing i could do was to repress my anger and my sadness for being treated this way - i couldn't hide or run away because the problem was apparently my face/forehead. It was hell as not only i was teased at at school, which never helped me building myself a sense of self-esteem, i was also teased by my father who, instead of beating me like he used to when i was a child, had 'evolved' his ways to 'teasing me and making fun of me in front of my friends and loved ones'.

What was conflicting within me, however, was that i truly didn't see why i was teased like that. I liked my physical appearance and i just couldn't understand why i was treated as if i was ugly as hell. I remember, that the first time i thought about killing myself was when i was about 13 years old, as i was looking at my face in the mirror, i thought about killing myself for a flash of an instant, but then i said to myself 'of course not - why would I? I love myself - i cannot kill myself" - and that was all there was to it.

This idea that i had of being beautiful, was always met with opposition when i faced who i was in front of my peers at school, as i couldn't understand why i saw myself as being beautiful and those around me saw me as being ugly. It created a confusion within my mind. I sarted to believe that there was maybe something wrong with me for seeing me as being beautiful while the others saw me as being ugly. I was lost within confusion but i held onto what i saw myself as being, and discarded and claimed within my mind, that it was the others that were fools to see me as being ugly.

Within this mindset, i couldn't however as far as i let myself at the time, stop the abuse from the others at school as i was the central focus of all of their meaneness. The only thing i could do, was to hide like i said earlier. So, it was then that i started to develop the habit to hide myself when i felt insecure.

The problem tho, was that that feeling of insecurity, having been with me for 4 years straight - as it was within 4 years of high school that i experienced the psychological abuse - stayed with me as it was at the core of the 'social self' that i had started to develop as i was a teenager. Within this core as the identity of myself, i defined myself as being insecure thus, i needed something to make me feel secure - which was an illusion of my identity. So, since i was always teased at because of people calling me derogatory names that were related to my forehead, i started the habit of wearing a hat.

My hat then became my savior, as when i was with a hat, people completely changed their approach towards me. People that didn't knew me before, started telling me that i was beautiful, and i actually managed to have a few girlfriends after getting to know them with a hat on.

And so i have maintained this habit up to last week, as ever since then - which is almost 15 years in the making - i have relied on my hat for security and to project an image of me that would make others want to know me - based of physical attributes. Even when i started doing sf and reading all the documents on desteni web site, i knew that i had to at one point come to the decision to not wear anymore my hat - forever. I had come to despise my hat because i saw it as being my curse - that i had to wear my hat in order for people to be nice and friendly with me, as the behavior of most drastically changed when i showed myelf without my hat on. My fear was thus to face myself nakedly in front of others, as i knew that my past would somehow come back to haunt me - the past where i was rejected because of my big forehead before i came to the 'hat solution'. I have tried in the past to let my hat go completely, but it never lasted as the core issue was still lingering within myself - not anymore tho!

You see, i have come to realise through writing and sf, that as long as i would not apply myself and face myself for who i am - vulnerably - that i would never transcend that MAJOR point within me. I had to apply myself based on the sf that i have come to realize. My hat was not only 'protecting me' from the diminutive gazes of others, but that it was most importantly, maintaining the pity construct within me - a construct that was so omnipresent within me, that it affected EVERYTHING that i did, especially my expression!

with the hat construct within my mind, acting as a buffer through which i observed and interacted with reality, i've never really exposed myself through my expression. When i had my hat on, i expressed myself as the person that i wasn't - only expressing myself for appearance purposes as a being which i am not - and when i didn'T had my hat on, i was within a secluded space within my mind where i expressed the opposite of what i expressed myself as when i had my hat on, which was self-pity.

You see, i was self-pity and the hat maintained this construct of self-pity to stay within my mind, because i didn't yet have the courage to live as self-honesty as me. But about a week ago, i've come to the final point of my allowances within this fucked up construct of mine. And I TOOK A STAND!! I THREW UP ALL OF MY HATS and only keeping one that i placed in a place that is so far and hard to reach, that if i am to take it, the strain that i would have to go through to take it would remind me of my decision of not wearing it no more.

So, i stopped wearing my hat and i started facing myself for who i was.

I ah the release to finally walk outside and NOT CARE about what another person thinks or say is so releaving, that many points came back up to my awareness as i finally applied my realizations through SF.

One of those points concerned the idea to kill myself. I realised that it is not me that i want to kill but the fucking idea of myself. And by me stopping wearing my hat, i started to realise that the one i wnated to kill, was the one with the fucjking hat on! The fake me!

Now, i am determined to kill all the remnants of the illusory self, because i have managed to kill such a great part by stopping wearing my hats, that i have now the momentum to stop and kill everything else that pulls me back within the ego of the mind, instead of being here as breath as self-honesty as me.

Die idea Die! I do not accept and allow myself to express myself as the idea of myself as it is NOT who i am! Who i am is here in self-honesty as me as the physical - no judgments - and i will do whatever it takes to stop the mind once and for all.