Addicted to energy

I have been addicted to energy for as long as I can remember, and it is this addiction, primarily, which is at the core of the mind possession deamon within which I have accustomed to entrap myself within. It is especially true in my case, as I have had this long time self-definition of being "energy" in essence, as I have duped myself into believing as being "who I really am", through me not wanting to face my reality as who and what I am physically. It was and is an escape mechanism.

I remember that I have specifically started to feed that belief system within myself, as soon as I encountered, many years ago - at the beginning of the year 2000 -, a piece of information which started to feed the "hope design deamon" within myself after I had come to encounter an asperity in my life which had led me to fall into the trap of depression. Within this mind state, I was desperately looking for ways to find a "new hope" within which I would "lock myself into" so as to "live with myself" through the "hope of a better existence for myself" as the life that I was then experiencing, was not meeting the expectations that I have designed within my mind through the acceptances and allowances that I have programmed myself into being. So, at one point within this time frame, I fell into a "piece of information" which fed the "escape machanism" from within which I then started to center my entire existence upon. That "piece of information" was the answer to a mystery that i have tried to resolve throughout my lifetime, which was simply the omnious question of "who am I really?".

As I was then within the mind frame of depression, I was incidentally thinking much about death and what the "other side" was like, so I started to devellop a fascination with the afterlife. This fascination with the afterlife first came about after I "stumbled" into a web site within which were described testimonies of beings who had had near death experiences. What specifically caught my attention was the testimony of a guy who's name was "Tom Sawyer" to which I have associated a special meaning as he was the "portal" through which I have started to feed that belief system that "energy" is who and what I really am.

I say that Tom Sawyer was the "portal" through which i have allowed myself to first start to feed this belief system that the core of my being is "energy", because it is through his testimony that I have created a "special relationship" within my mind, to which I have directly associated the core feeling of myself as being energy through the coincidences and synchronicities which led me to his testimony. What specifically generated the sense of "speciallness" to his testimony, was due to the fact that I "stumbled" upon his web site as I was looking throughout the internet, for a web site about "Tom Sawyer", the renown main character of the novel. Due to the fact that I was then suppressing the thoughts of my own death as I was then caught within the inner turmoil generated by the conclusion that "I couldn't get what I desired out of life", I was looking for ways to "feed a positive energy" within my self so as to further supress this "feeling of depression" which was overwhelming me at the time.

I was specifically looking for a web site about the character of "Tom Sawyer" as he was the main character of a T.V. cartoon which had specifically influenced me as I was growing up. Prior to me looking for a web site about Tom Sawyer the character, I had glimpsed at past memories within which I was looking at the television show as I was only a child. This memory generated a positive feeling within myself which prompted me to "have more of that feeling" as it was a feeling which directly contrasted with the feeling of despair which was overwhelming me at the time. So, I started to look for a web site so as to find more memories of "Tom Sawyer the television cartoon" so as to continue feeding that "positive energy" that I had glimpsed into feeling as I remembered the time when I was a child watching that television cartoon. Within this mindset, I then "stumbled upon" a web site about a guy named "Tom Sawyer" who claimed to have lived a near death experience. As I was still within the influences of the "death wish" that I wanted to supress further within myself, the limited description of tom sawyer's testimony through the search engine (it was lycos at the time, not google) specifically caught my attention. First it was his name which caught my attention, as he had the same name of the character that I was busy tring to find a web site about. Second, it was the fact that within the short description of his web site, it was mentionned that he his near death experience occured in 1978, which was the year of my birth.

I then connected the dots within my mind and started generating a special relationship with this being, as I then started to think that his testimony was specifically meant for me. So, I started to read his testimony of his near death experience. At one point, he essentially mentionned - through my interpretations - that he had then seen himself as being a being of energy and that the quality of the energy that he emmited determined the fate of the entire universe. From within this point, I then generated a construct within my mind within which I equated the nature of my being to that of energy. I remember making a pledge to myself from that point onward, that I would commit my life to purify my energy so that I would affect the entirety of existence in ways that would affect the universe in the most beneficial way. I made that pledge through the point of energy as the overwhelming positive feeling that I then experienced within myself through the filter of the "hope deamon", influenced me into believing that my goal in life was to find ways to feed that "positive energy" so that I could "influence" the entirety of existence in the most beneficial way, as this was the impression that the "Tom Sawyer's" near death experience testimony left within my being.

So, this marked the point within which I started to feed the belief system that I was a being of energy and that the goal in my life was to feed that "energetic being" so as to expell into existence, the output of that energy so as to purify the entirety of existence through the output of that "energetic being". Thus, I have extensivelly fucked with myself throughout years of "meditation practices" within which my main focus was to feed that "energetic entity" within my being, so as to comply with the conclusion that I have programmed myself into believing that I was a being of energy.

Within this, I have eventually experienced episodes of "manic disorders" which had brought me to the hospital several times, as I have been diagnosed as being "bipolar" through those experiences where I had so much energy that I became to be completely possessed by this "energetic entity" that made me say and do things within which I disregarded all consequences as I was completely possessed by this "energy" which made me feel as if I was a "super human". I essentially disregarded the consequences of my actions because I was still holding unto the core belief that this "energetic being" that I then experienced myself as, was who I truly was and through this, I allowed myself to express everything of myself without any inhibitions whatsoever.