dimanche 22 mai 2011

Waiting for something = the overlaying context of the mind.

Recently, I had a realisation. Now, it may sound first as being a philosophical realisation, which it may very well be but nonetheless, this realisation – that I am about to share – has helped me understand the overlaying structure within which I normally find myself within my own mind. The reason why I state that this realisation has helped me is that within this understanding, a distance has emerged between me and this pattern, which thus allows me to actually see the pattern as a “self-defence/coping mechanism” rather than being caught within its structure. This new found perspective allows me to actually stop myself from participating within this “coping mechanism” as “waiting for something” because of the distance that has emerged through my understanding of its inner dynamics.

The realisation concerning the point of “waiting for something” as being the “overlaying structure of my mind” came after I analysed the events of a recent day within self-honesty. First of all, in order to bring about a sense of equality in shared understanding, I will go and explore the events of the day which allowed me to perceive the overlaying tendency that I have to always “wait for something” rather than “taking the bulls by the horns in order to act” so to speak. Thus, I will do the exact same process that I’ve been through within the scope of this blog, so as to show those who may be reading this, the entire process which lead me to see and perceive the “trap of waiting” which I have thus identified as being the “core point of my allowed participation within the mind” as the “passive observer that I have become” as personality. Doing this will give perspective on those who may very well have this same “passive observer” type of personality, see and understand the underlying dynamics of the mind which constrains the being into patterns of inaction all because of the underlying structure of the mind as “waiting for something”. 

So at the end of my day, last Thursday, I decided to go for a walk in a park near the house where I live in Boucherville. Once I arrived at the point where I had planned on going, which was on a bench that was next to a baseball field, I started looking at the scenery which surrounded me. Seeing the same scenery that I normally see when I go and sit to this particular spot – being a habit of mine to go to this specific spot in order to “observe” and “silently recollect” so to speak – I decided to push myself out of the habit of talking to myself within my own mind, and decided to rather talk to myself through the usage of my vocal cords through speaking. Thus, I started speaking to myself – placing words into the events of the day that I have just lived through – within the resolute goal to actually look at myself in resolute self-honesty, so as to identify what and who I was within myself through the actions that I expressed throughout the day. 

The underlying intention as the goal of this exercise was the following: I didn’t want to enter any interpretations of my daily actions as filtered by emotions, feelings or ideas of myself, or in other words, I didn’t want to look at myself from a subjective standpoint, but wanted to focus on the objective standpoint of my actions so as to enable a new pattern of Change within myself. Thus, I started speaking out loud, all of the events of my daily activities within the focussed intention of merely expressing to myself out loud, the actions that I had expressed throughout my day from a strictly objective standpoint – through being as specific as I could be, meaning, to focus my attention on all of the physical actions that I have expressed throughout my day which occasioned movements of circumscription within me.  

Thus, I went back to the beginning of my day, looked at myself from the objective perspective of my actions, and asked myself the question of why I behaved that way. As I was talking to myself – going through the events of my day in a chronological fashion – I came about the understanding of an overlaying pattern which seemed to permeate all of the moments where I repeated patterns which kept me locked within myself. Thus, as I sensed that I was touching upon some point which remained unclear at this point, I shifted my focus on my physical body – my hands to be precise – and started looking at that same point but this time, from the perspective of what was clearly here as a physical point of me = my hands.

Looking at my hands, I shifted my perspective from the starting point of my hands being a representative of the point that was still unclear within my mind. Thus, my hands became a vector through which I placed that “point of a subconscious behavioural trigger” within.

I looked at my hands, moved my fingers and asked myself the following simple questions of “what is the function of my hands? What is the primary usage of my hands? What can I do with my hands?” Then, after asking myself those simple questions, I placed my hands on the wooden bench which was behind me and started rubbing my hands on the bench so as to physically sense the input that my hands allowed me to receive from some physical object that surrounded me. Doing this, I then started to see just how much I have separated myself from my physical body, simply through me stating that “I wanted to physically sense the input that my hands allowed me to receive”.  

Now, within that last quotation lies a fundamental separation between two selves – one which is physical and one which is mental. The self which is physical doesn’t have or need a name in order to be, because it just is whereas the one which is mental needs a name and a “sensational input” in order to be, because it depends on the physical body in order to have a sense of “existing”. This realisation of having two separate selves within myself – one physical and one mental – came with the emerging intention to actually bridge the gap between those two selves, so as to understand the underlying mechanisms which brought me to perceive and believe being the mind rather than the physical body.  

So, I then asked myself the following question: “What is the difference between my hands and my mind”? 

What I started then perceiving was the generalised impression that my mind was merely a virtual representation of my hands as an unreal representation of my being, in contrast to my hands as being the actual physical/real/here representation of my being. Thus, looking further at my hands – moving my fingers and sensing the physical reality which came into contact with my fingers as I was moving them through the air – I started realising that my hands were the only aspects/points of my reality which could actually manipulate/touch/sense reality. Seeing then that my mind was just a virtualised copy (coping mechanism) of my real hands, I thus started seeing for myself, the actual personal deception of the mind. 

What I then realised is that the mind cannot manipulate/touch/sense reality, it can never truly do – it can only deceive the being that it can. Only the physical body can touch/manipulate/sense reality because only the physical body is in direct and constant contact with reality. The mind can never touch reality as the mind is always caught within reality – as it is caught within the physical body to which it serves its function of being its central processing unit.  

I started seeing for myself, that the mind can only exist within the inputs as the electrical impulses that come from the interactions of the physical body with the physical surroundings – meaning that the mind only experiences itself as being existent through the electrical charges as the inputs that comes from the interactions of the physical body with its physical surroundings. This, I realised through me placing my hands on various objects that surrounded me as I was going through this process of understanding. Thus, as I placed my hands on the bench which was behind me, then by rubbing my hands on the bench so as to sense it’s physical structure, I noticed what I already knew, which is that the sensation of the wood is fleeting and can never be constant because the sensation of the wood is dependant on my hands touching the wood. So, I touched another object which was within my direct surrounding so as to confirm what I already knew. Thus touching a piece of metal post, I then noticed that it was cold to the touch and that its surface generally contrasted with the surface of the wood that I just touched. Whenever my hands stopped touching the wood or the metal structure, the physical sensation ceased to exist within my “mind” and the physical sensation of the “air” – as a generalised and habitual sense of “nothingness” - started to manifest itself once more within my mind as its inner experience of the outer reality.

This process of touching the wooded structure of the bench behind me and the metal structure of the post in front of me helped me to actually perceive the changes that occurred within my mind as I was experiencing those objects. As I was doing this, I started noticing the similarities between the function of my hands and the function of my mind. The hands as members of my physical body are the only parts of my being which can practically manipulate reality towards the biding of my physical needs, whereas the mind as the central processing unit of my physical body, can never practically manipulate reality towards the biding of my physical body – because the mind is unreal, meaning that it is not a physical object that can be objectively identified such as the physical body and the physical objects/beings/manifestations which populate existence. The mind cannot manipulate reality; it can only manipulate the reflections of reality. 

It has also come to my understanding that the mind as consciousness fears loosing control of the physical body, because through the control of the physical body, the mind as consciousness can direct the body to experience the energetic impulses that grants the mind as consciousness a semblance of existence. The physical body is the only self which truly exists here as reality. The mind tricks the self into believing that it is the mind, because the mind only experiences itself as existing when the mind receives electric/energetic impulses that come from the physical body. Thus, the mind seeks to control the will of the body to its biding because the mind needs the physical body in order to experience itself as existing. The mind as consciousness exists only whenever it comes into function, and the mind comes into function only when there is outer stimuli to which it can process. The mind seeks to process stimuli which – coming from the physical - grants it self-gratification, meaning that the mind seeks to process outer stimuli which stimulate itself into a greater sense of functioning. Whenever the mind is not given a stimuli from the physical body which it craves, the mind generates ideas as desires in order to move the physical body towards an experience which would grant the mind a greater sense of functioning – a sense which essentially tells the mind “I am alive” rather than “I am dead”. The mind thus seeks to “be alive” through the manipulation and control of the physical body. 

Leaving this philosophical understanding for a moment and going back into the self-honest realisations that came about as I was exploring myself within that moment – what I perceived within the patterns that are automated within my being as the patterns of being within a “passive observer” personality, was that this pattern was generated through me as the mind “waiting for something” to occur so that to lead me into action. This “waiting for something to occur” was generated because my mind is caught in a “waiting mode” whereas I wait for some specific outer stimuli to occur before I move myself into action. I have created objects of desire within my mind from within which I allow my self-expression only if and when those objects of desire are within my grasp or perceived possession. When those objects are not present or perceived as such, I enter the “waiting pattern” and start observing the outer reality because of not having the objects of desire which gives me the incentive to move my physical body. I do this because, in a way, my mind is masquerading as my physical hands – within which my mind is impressed with the belief that in can manipulate/touch/sense reality through its means (means of the mind = thoughts, feelings and emotions), which can ultimately only be really exercised by the physical body. Only the physical body can directly and practically touch/manipulate/sense reality; the mind can only touch/manipulate/sense the reflections of reality, but not reality itself.  

An example that brought me to that realistion is the following: "let say you want to hold a cup of tea which is standing right in front of you, because of a desire to taste the specific taste that your mind craves from tea. The mind will thus issue a command towards the physical body's hands, so that the hand moves towards the cup of tea, in order to grasp the cup and direct the liquid in the cup of tea towards the mouth, so as to satisfy the desire that the mind has towards the particular taste it craves of the tea. Now, this simple act of "going for something that the mind wants" is reproduced in all of the mind's desires whereas the mind issues specific orders to command the body into the biding of it's desires/commands so as to eventually satisfy a craving that the mind has devellopped towards a specific taste/feeling/sensation coming from it's own programming. The problem then arises when the specific mind prioritised object of desire is nowhere to be found within the direct physical environment of the physical body. Since that command has been prioritised and continues to be prioritised by the mind through it's programming/conditionning, the mind will thus withold the being's expression within a buffer zone as "waiting for something" until the being actually physically grasp/experience/taste the object that the mind has prioritised within it's hiarchy of priorities. Thus, all other subsequent commands within the hierarchical stack of commands will compound and will thus be relagated to future execution - which will only be allowed to the being's awareness when the prioritised command of the mind will be able to be executed by the physical body = just as when one craving a cup of tea will allow oneself to think and do something else only when the craving will be satisfied.

 
When I see the pattern arising of waiting, I see the desires, justifications and reasoning to wait that exist as my thoughts, feelings and emotions – I stop, I breathe, I do not participate in the energetic experience as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, and I immediately act on/participate within the task at hand that must be done in self honest common sense. 

Time to stop participating within the self as the mind and start focussing on the self as the physical.






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