a word I have difficulty expressing

AndreaRossouw wrote: what it is that you have always wanted to say but had difficulty saying it.

I just realised that what I always wanted to say but had difficulty saying is the word FUCK! I always fucking had difficulty saying the word FUCK because of the fucking belief that FUCK is not in accordance with who I fucking am. But it is. Fuck is who I am as I am fucking fed up with this life. I've always wanted to show others just how fucking great I am and was through me not speaking a single fucking obscene word to no fucking body. I've always controlled my self not to say a fucking word that would fucking hurt some fucking idea that some fucking one would have of me. But Fuck that. Fuck is the word which is in fucking accordance with who I am as a fucking word of any fucking relevance. All other words I use in my vocabulary I have used to hide this fucking word from my self because i did not want to see my fucking self as what that fucking word represented. It represented that I was a fucking bad person and if i fucking allwoed my self to even utter that fucking word to another, then that would mean that I would be fucking doomed. I fucking controlled my self to not allow myself to show any fucking sign of "fed upness" through the fucking dishonest words that I used. I controlled my fucking self to always show that I was in fucking accordance with this world, while I fucking loathed every fucking aspect of what we have fucking become. How can we fucking say that we are fucking alive by witnessing the fucking atrocities that we fucking allow in this fucking existence! I have tried to hide myself from what I fucking am all my life because I did not want to fucking realise just how fucking messed up i fucking am. All the fucking efforts I have spent controlling my vocabulary with words that would sound as if I was this fucking pure being while harbouring fucking hatred for this world have fucking drained every ounce of fucking common sense in me. I have become a fucking drone repeating words that would portray my fucking dishonest self as a fucking wanna be saint instead of allowing myself to express the fucking words that is on every fucking minds. I have used all words in the fucking vocabulary to fucking hide what I always fucking wanted to say but dissallowed me to say because of fucking etiquettes that I held dear to the fucking idea of myself as being a good fucking boy, not saying or doing any fucking thing that would shock a fucking soul. What the fuck was I fucking doing? I was just fucking silencing my self all these fucking years because i fucking believed that i was a fucking good boy. For fucks sakes. How can I be any way whatsoever fucking good for allow-fucking-ing this fucking existence to be the fucking way it is? For fuck fucking sakes. I am the evilest fucking bastard there fucking is to allow such fucking atrocities to meet my fucking eyes as I watch the pure fucking disturbed fucking beings that we have all allowed our fucking selves to become. FOR FUCKS SAKES.