mercredi 25 mai 2011

Stopping myself as energy.

My focus recently has been to stop my participation within energy. However, is it really possible to do so?

There is a constant exchange of energy every time I communicate with another being, so the question has arisen as to know if it is really possible to stop full participation within energy alltogether. Through self forgiveness, I have pegged many of my allowed behaviors within energy, which in themselves feed the energetic personality that I have designed as myself throughout the years. I have come to notice that every slight reactions such as a simple laughter that I experience while exchanging through communication with another being, is sufficient to generate within myself, the mechanism which activate my energetic personality design. So, as a result and as a means to apply self corrective application towards my allowed participation within energy, I have come to "block" the outflow of energy within my mind, which I have specifically noticed as being activated whenever there is an exchange of "positive energy" through my communication with another being. Having applied this "corrective application" for the past 3 weeks, approximately, I have come to significantly slow myself down to levels of energy which are uncaracteristics of the personality that I have designed as myself, which have generated concern within those that are close to me.

All of my close relationships have come to know me as being a person which is "dynamic" in nature, as I have built the design of my personality specifically towards and around the capacity to express myself with as much "mental energy" as possible. This I have done in order to compensate for the lack of support I have received from my surrounding as I was growing up in this world, having been specifically defined as being a "reject" whereas I was mostly left alone and by myself in my life, not generating enough "charm" for others to "want to be with me". So, at one point, I discovered that through "energy", I was able to generate the required "magnetism" within myself, which allowed me to finally get the "attention" that I have always been craving for. This, however, has led me to construct a personality around my developped abilities to generate, absorb and express an energy which was perceived as being "special" by others, within which the amount of "energy" that I was able to express was so extreme, that I generated through the accumulated energy within, the desired feelings and sensations that those with whom I realated craved for. In a sense, I became an "energetic generator" for the benefit of those who surrounded me. All this I have done at the expense of my "mental sanity", as I have become so possessed through the accumulated energy throughout all of my meditation practices which were designed to specifically elevate the amount of energy that I could withold, that I have experienced complete and total delusions of grandeur which had brought me many times to the hospital, by default of having thus been diagnosed as being bipolar.

It is only recently however, that I have noticed the extent through which I have "burned myself" through my focussed intention to absorb as much energy as possible, so that I could be perceived by others as being "someone with whom others wanted to be with". I have desired to be loved and accepted for who I am by others for so long because of the constant experiences of "rejection" that I had to go through as I was growing up in this world, that I allowed myself to completely submerge myself within energy, as my desires to be accepted and loved for "who I am" were only returned whenever I was able to give this extreme amount of energy that I come to be able to withold, to those who "craved" for that energy. No relationship lasted however as I couldn't stabilise myself within that energy, as it was obviously too much for me to withold.

However, it has became an unconscious desire of mine to always find ways to "refill" that energy within myself - through all means possible (mainly mediation techniques) - because I became addicted to it as it allowed me to get the attention that i was craving to get from others. I have burned myself extensively through this, as I frequently experience headeaches whenever I accumulate too much "mental energy" within my head. However, this has allowed me to become extremely sensible to the exchange of energies that occurs whenever I am commicate with another being.

I was so caught within the belief that I needed to express myself within that energetic entity, because of the fear of having to be rejected by others, as people only showed interests towards me whenever I was able to express myself as that energetic entity. Through me expressing myself without that "extreme energetic capacity", people would not show interest towards me. So, I have become enslaved to that energetic entity as it was the only means through which I was able to get the attention that I desired to have from others. Recently though - about 3 weeks ago - I realised the extent through which I am being possessed by that entity - which brings me to experience myself as being completely unstable because of living under the whims of the flow of energy within me - and that it was time for me to completely stop my activities within that energetic entity within myself.

So, I stopped participating within the energy that I have accustomed myself to nurrish within myself. This has generated concern within those whith whom I share my life with. Since my expression have changed - form being overly positive to being much more stable and constant - they have a hard time recognising me.

However, the challenge I now have concerns the fact that this "energetic entity" within myself, is fed everytime I participate within "laughter" and "happiness" whenever I exchange and communicate with others around me. I sense the subtle movements of energy within my head - from the bottom of my brain stem to the top of my head approximately - that are generated everytime I "fall within the experience of laughter and happiness". I have come now to "correct" this now automatic reaction within my head, through me blocking the movements of energy so that they do not reach the top of my head, as it is the region which I have accustommed myself to feed energy through my participation within the meditation techniques that I used to accumulate as much energy as possible within my head.

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