Today I faced a point that emerged after I had a conversation with a fellow coworker. The point that arised concerned a fear I have of being perceived as being lonely. What brought it up was when the colleague of mine asked me what I did in the past weekend. I noticed, as I was answering her the question, that at first, I kind of stumbled within myself because the question has brought up an unseen and subconscious mind construct as a "coping mechanism" that crept it's way to the direct awareness of myself here. I thus found myself caught within a nebulous web of constricting movements, where the fluent expression of myself as myself which was the experience of myself before that moment, turned and churned within my mind so as to find an answer to the apparently simple question that was asked of me.
What I noticed in particular, in hindsight, was that I was, within that spasm of a moment, looking within my mind for an appropriate answer to give my co-worker. Now, what I understand as an appropriate answer specefically refers to an answer that I have defined as being "good" within the context of social interactions. That "good" answer that I was looking for from within the memory banks in my mind, wasn't to be found within the spontaneous mental imagery that spontaneously emerged after the question had been asked to me. That first emerging mental imagery was, to be honest, blurry within my mind, but however contained parts of my immediate past experience of this past weekend that I wasn't willing to share within that "spasm of a moment". Thus, because I wanted to "keep those experiences secret and to myself" (for reasons that I will share shortly), I "stumbled" within myself from within that short "spasm of a moment" so that I could overlook at the honest and direct experiences of myself from the past weekend, and go to "memories" that were stored in a deeper corner of my mind - as older memories of an event that would fit into the "good" that I was willing to convey of my past experiences.
So, I stumbled within my mind in order to find another memory that would fit into this "good" answer that I was willing to share. Now, this "stumbling" came about because of this: At the moment when the other being asked me the question as to know what was it that i did this past weekend, I immediately moved away from the direct experiences of myself which came from this past weekend because I feared the reaction that the other being would have if I were to admit that I did activities which implied that I was alone with myself. The activities that I did this past weekend, were mainly activities that concerned me writing to myself about my past - through the destonian process - and me reading and spending time alone with myself.
Now, at the moment where the question was asked, I was within a context of "social interactions" - which is a context where the intimate sharing of one's experiences is short circuited by all the constraints of "time" and "productibility" which comes in and stresses a being into an expression which is more likely than not constricted. Thus, within this constriction within myself, came about a "facade" as a "coping mechanism" that I have constructed within myself throughout time, which consist of a "selection mechanism" which revolves and looks for "mental objects as answers" that would fit into the "selection mechanism's" portrayal of what is a "good answer" within the context of the question. Thus, within this context, I have defined that "good answer" as being an answer which would potentially appeal to the being's expression - to which the facial expression of the being acts as a cue towards which I select answers that I would suspect to generate positive facial expressions in return.
Thus, knowing from past experiences of the generalised reactions that people have whenever they hear me talk about experiences which implies that I was and am alone I, within that "spasm of a moment", stumbled within myself because I "blocked" myself from going into the direct experiences of myself from this past weekend, because those experiences were mostly lived as I was alone with myself - meaning, I have had a weekend where I mostly did activities all by myself instead of sharing my time with "loved ones". This fact about myself, which was directly linked as the direct answer to the apparently simple question that was asked of me - which was "what did you do this weekend" - generated this "stumbling" within my mind because I was not willing to share this "truth" about myself as I did not want to face the fact that I am alone most of the time. I rather looked for a "good" answer as an answer that would portray myself as not being alone most of the time. Thus, I stumbled within myself, because the stumbling reflected my hesitation to answer the question directly - an hesitation that acted as a vessel from within which I looked for a more "suitable/good" answer to the question.
The answer that I thus gave to the coworker following that "stumbling" was a lie, as I first blurred out the memory of an event that I lived about 2 weeks ago with one of my friends. However, as soon as I noticed the lie through the rememberance that this "programmed answer" was not in accordance to what I lived this past weekend, I then corrected myself and expressed to the coworker, a selected memory that fitted the self-defined prerequisite that I have burdened upon myself as an suitable answer to give her. Thus, I then corrected myself - in the sense that I selected a memory that was related to this past weekend but was however still held within the constraints of what I defined as constituting a "good answer" - and quickly told her that I did some activities with my friends, while I was actually thinking of the proper memory which occurred this past saturday and friday.
What this process revealed to me, was the underlying pattern of "coping mechanism" which subconsciously and subtly manifests itself as an inner process of selection from within which I seek an answer that would "please" the being who is asking the question. This pattern of "pleasing others" rather than being honest towards another as myself, is the mental projection of the many "masks" and "facades" I have constructed over my being throughout the years (through specific clothings and demeanors that were meant to please others in order to be accepted) so as to direct my expression towards the ultimately self-constricting goal of "pleasing others at all cost".
Even if I have changed my clothings habits to reflect a lost desire into pleasing others, there is still unconscious and subconscious psychological mechanisms that operates from within my subconscious mind which have been imprinted within and as my being as throughout my constant psychological participation in such patterns throughout the years. So, it is not good enough to change physically, but that once the physical change has occured, that the facing of the underlying mind reflections have to be faced, stopped and changed so that to free myself entirely from the mind patterns that I have constructed as "self-defined prisons" which masquarades as "self-defence mechanisms".
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