Fear of writing

I have this fear of writing. Every time i am about to write, there is this fear I have of not being able to convey my inner experience into words. This fear always seem to stem from comparison, where I constantly compare myself to other's writings in my mind. I tend to believe that I do not have the necessary vocabulary to write effectively, as I frequently stop throughout the process of writing, thinking of the words that would convey to the best of my awareness, what it is exactly that I am experiencing within myself.

I have this fear of not finding the specific word because i have always written in ways which were "long winded" and generally "abstract". When I read other's writings, I frequently have this tendency to place into "pedestals" those who seem, from my perspective, to be able to write in ways which I see as being concise, when comparing with how I have accustomed myself to write throughout my life. Prior to desteni, I always perceived writing as being a chore, as this was the impression that my education has left upon me. Growing up, I frequently had difficulties whenever came the time where I had to write an essay or a homework for class, as I always reacted within my mind by saying " oh no, I don't want to have to write for this or that subject... I would much prefer playing around instead of having to sit there and write about an opinion that I don't have". This impression towards writing is still somewhere to be found within myself, as I always have to "fight my way out of the rut" in a sense, whenever I push myself to write. There is so much lack of faith in my abilities to properly convey what it is that I am through words, that I spend rediculous amounts of time just to think about what it is that I want to say next. However, when doing so, I seem to lose the focus on what it is exactly that I am about to write, as I then lose myself within the generated confusion in my mind. I say "generated confusion in my mind" as it seems to be the "coping mechanism" that I have created within my mind, in order to "hide" my voice behind the words of others. I hide behind the words of others because I have a hard time expressing my own words whenever I am with another. I frequently give way to other's perspective before my own, as I have been brought to believe that what I have to say, doesn't matter to no one.

Looking back at my personal relationship with my father as I was growing up, I would have to say that this habit of mine of giving more value to whatever another is saying before giving value to my words, comes from the impression that my relationship with my father has generated within my mind. My father beat me when I was a child, but no matter what I would say or do, he wouldn't stop. He always made me feel as if I was wrong for doing something that was apparently bad. I never really quite understood the reasons why he treated me that way, so I have come to associate that I was the one which was always "wrong" and that he was the one which was always "right", so I thus started to "listen" to whatever he was saying, so as to not have to live the consequences of him beating me. This "listening" to what he was saying as the words of "rightfullness" compared to the imprinted sense of "wrongfullness" for being me, has been imprinted within my subconscious mind - i suppose - eventually extending and projecting this "father figure" towards and within those to which I speak to, as I have this "patterned behavior" of "suppressing myself within my mind" whenever I talk to another, as to not have to "live the consequences" that have been imprinted within my being since my childhood.

Of course, it is irrationnal to think that I will live out the same consequences that I lived as I was growing up within my relationship with my father, but the tendency to "supress myself within my mind so as to give to whatever I am looking at or speaking to, full attention so as to "forget" my own "words" because of the engrained belief that what I have to say is fundamentally "wrong"" is still present, however not as much as what it was prior to desteni. This "suppressing within my mind" seems to be at the source of my difficulties whenever comes the time to convey into writings, the words which are central to the experience of my being, as I seem to have to "work myself up" from within myself in order to eventually come into contact with the words which are my own. This "work myself up" from within myself, is the central reason why I always found writing as being a chore, as it is a mental effort for me to be able to clear myself up from within the "confusion blanket" that I have coverred myself up in as to protect myself from my own expression to which I have defined as being fundamentally "wrong" through the engrained impression that my relationship with my father has left within me. Moreover, this tendency to hide behind this "confusion blanket" always seems to "regenerate itself" everytime I sleep- ressetting over and over again, no matter the efforts I have expressed in any given day to "remain clear" within myself. What I have to do in order to get to myself, which is the voice which is hiding behind the security blanket of confusion, is that I have to "write out" the "junk" so as to finally come to the point within myself which stands as my expression instead of the expression that I have copied from another in fear of expressing the "wrong" that I have believed myself to be.

So, as I stand here looking at what I have just written, I see the mechanism which is proving to be my challenge within this process of writing myself out. There is a lot to be done in order for me to achieve constancy and to release myself completely of this "fear of writing", but I will commit myself into doing whatever it takes nonetheless, as I have to stand clear within myself in order to do what is best for all.