AndreaRossouw wrote:Ok what I suggest is to write down in a few sentences how you experience yourself and what it is that you have always wanted to say but had difficulty saying it. Here are some examples:
I like complicating my writing
By complicating my writing I have always hoped people will see me as intelligent
I want to sound intelligent
I want others to envy my knowledge
I like comparing myself to others
In the moment, write straight one sentence lines about yourself - to find within yourself absolute clarity. From there you will be able to apply self forgiveness for accepting and allowing your world to become an abstract story you designed to appear knowledgeable to others. Here you want to focus on what thoughts as backchat exist in you and write them down immediately. If the thought comes up and the mind changes the thought through justification and shapes it into something else - then stop - write down the original thought as well as why and how your changed the thought in your mind.
Ok, I will follow the guidelines you have layed out before me.
First of all, I will look at the first example that you have brought up and will write down a single sentence about myself which is in relation to that statement. I have to admit, though, that at first glance, it seems hard for me to limit myself to 1 sentence alone about myself. It seems difficult, but I will do it.
So, the first statment to look at in self-honesty is this: "I like complicating my writing".
- I like complicating my writing because I like to appear as if I have a lot of things to say.
The next statement is: "By complicating my writing I have always hoped people will see me as intelligent".
- I always wanted to sound complicated because I believed that people valued complicating things and since I had a hard finding value in who I am physically, and since I always wanted to be valued by another, I sought to find value in who I am mentally so that I could show myself as valuable to another. - I have to note to myself here that I had different thoughts about this statement within my head before I went about writing that last statement. However, I seemed to have sought to change that original thought so that it would "fit" with how I wanted to present myself to another. I see the loop that i am exerting upon my expression and i need to stop myself from participating in that loop. -
Thus, Answering the last statement again in a clear and direct fashion, I will write that:
I want to sound as if i am complicated because I believe complicated things to be valueable.
The next statement is: "I want to sound intelligent" ( I sense emotion comming up as I look at that statement)
- I want to sound intelligent because i do not like myself physically.( I believe that by sounding intelligent that people will like me because I perceive my appearance as being responsible for all of my sufferings in my life - feeling tears swell up inside me).
The next statement is: "I want others to envy my knowledge".
- I want others to envy my knowledge because i want others to envy me just as much as I envy almost everybody else for having an appearance that I wish i had. ( I envy almost everybody because I judge everybody as being more beautifull than me ( again, i feel tears swelling up inside me))
The last statement is: "I like comparing myself to others".
- I like comparing myself to others because I like to find faults within others so that I may like myself more for the "sad being" that I experience myself to be. ( there is this tendency I have to extrapolate further into those statements as I seem to get confused as to what I am trying to say. There seem to be so much words that I could use to express just what I am trying to say that I get to doubt what I write when writing in 1 sentence alone.)
Now, I will look at the 1 sentence answers that I have written above, and will apply self forgiveness for what comes up in relation to those answers.
1) I like complicating my writing because I like to appear as if I have a lot of things to say.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to appear as if I have a lot of things to say.
- I forgive msyelf that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that the more I have things to say, the more interesting I am to another.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to be more interesting to another.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to be more interesting to another because of the fear I have of being alone if I am not perceived as being interesting to another.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "appear as if" I am something that I am not.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear showing who I am to another because of the fear I have of not being "good enough for another" if I am to expose myself for who I really am.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I really am because of the belief that If I am to expose myself as who I really am, no one will want to be with me.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that no one will want to be with me if I am to expose myself for who I really am.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being all alone by myself.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to appear as if I have a lot of things to say because of the belief that I have that "the more I have" to say, the "better" I am.
- I forgive myself that I have acccepted and allowed myself to value those that have a lot of things to say.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior in front of those who have a lot of things to say.
- I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a lot of things to say because of the belief that I could be like those that I value if I have a lot of things to say about my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as being inferior because of not having a lot of things to say about my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value into having a "lot of things to say" because of the belief that "to have a lot of things to say" equals "to have a full and fulfilled life".
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry about myself for not having a lot of things to say.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compensate for not having a lot of things to say, through me expressing myself in complicated ways because of perceiving myself as having a "lot of things to say" when being complicated.
- I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise how much I burden my self as expression through the desire to always appear as if I have a lot of things to say.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to have a lot of things to say so that I can perceive myself as having a full and fulfilled file full of experiences.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value my experiences before valuing me as who I am here physically.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to replay past experiences in my head over and over again because of me not valuing myself for who I am here physically.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to live experiences without consideration of what is best for all because of me valuing my experiences before valuing what is best for all.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value my experiences before valuing what is best for all.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to appear as if I have a lot of things to say so that I can nurrish the impression of that appearance that I value inside my head.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value an idea as an appearance of myself before I value the fact of myself as who I am here physically.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value an illusion of myself before valuing the actual living example of myself as who I am here physically.
2) I want to sound as if i am complicated because I believe complicated things to be valueable.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive complicated things as being valuable.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value in complicated things instead of placing value in who I am physically.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value in the ability to say complicated things instead of expressing myself as who I am here without being complicated.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind complicated thoughts because of the fear i had of showing myself for who I am as simplicity.
- I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself as who I am physically, because of the fear I have of the reactions of others towards my appearance.
- I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that the reactions that i fear of others are the reactions that I have within myself towards my facial appearance.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for having a face which does not receive the same attention as the faces of those around me that I envy.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to show myself as being "more than another" through the habit of expressing myself in complicated manner so as to compensate for the feeling of inferiority that I nourrish within myself within back chat where I regularly judge myself as being inferior to another because of my facial appearance.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive self-forgivenesses as being "difficult" because of the belief that I need to be complicated to be able to effectivelly self-forgive myself.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to transform my expression into a chore because of the belief that I have to be complicated before I allow myself to express myself here.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continuously doubt my self-expression through me re-reading the sentences that I write because of the perception that I have of not being able to be concise enough in my writings.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continously seek to be complicated and within that, to continuously seek to limit my honest expression by filtering everything that I want to say through the filter of complication.
- I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to express myself as clarity and simplicity.
- I forgive myself that I hace accepted and allowed myself to perceive clarity and simplity as being inferior.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to "run away from that feeling of inferiority" through me becoming complicated because of the fear I have of having to face myself as the "fear" that I have become.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame life for giving me a face which has generated such psychological suffering in my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsability towards self because of the belief that "since I cannot change my face, I cannot change my self".
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to kill myself because of the face that I have.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of ways of killing myself because of me not wanting to live a life whithout the support of another.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to devalue myself as who I am physically because of the lack of "positive feedback" that I get from others regarding my "face".
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to hide from my face through me hiding and participating in complicated thoughts so as to make sure that I never get to the simplicity of me here as who I am physically.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself get controlled by my fears.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to "end this self forgiveness" because of me not wanting to look more into myself.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to look more into myself because of me wanting to get a feedback upon what I have written so far to see if I am doing the self-forgivennesses correctly.
3) - I want to sound intelligent because i do not like myself physically.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value "intelligence" before valuing the physical which is here.
- I forgive msyelf that I have accepted and allowed myself to "hate" myself for who I am physically because of not getting the attention that I seek to get from those around me.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "hate" myself for who I am physically because of not getting the attention from girls around me.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "hate" myself physically because of not having a "girlfriend" in my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place the judgments that girls have of me, as the reasons justifying the hatred that I have towards my physical appearance.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "sound as if I am intelligent" because of the fear I have of not getting any attention whatsoever by girls if I am not to be able to sound intelligent.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by the perception that girls have of me.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to show to girls just how valuable I am through me "sounding intelligent".
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive intelligence as being more valuable than who I am physically.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to "sound intelligent" as to "sound good" to another person's ears so that the "sound of my voice" may compensate for the "lack of attention" that my "physical appearance" gets from girls.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value on the sound of my voice because of the "positive judgments" that I receive from girls when listening to my voice.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to manipulate others through the sound of my voice because of the belief that I can only get what I want from girls through the sound of my voice.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to sound intelligent because of the perception that it is only by "appearing as if I am intelligent" that I can "appear beautifull" towards girls.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for not getting attention and support from a girl in my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "want to die" because of not being able to get the attention of a girl/women in my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self-responsibility because of the perception that "I am not worth it" because of not being able to get the attention of a girl/women in my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continuously feel sorry about myself for not having a girlfriend/women in my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continuously feel sorry about myself for not being able to get a girlfriend/women in my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to kill myself for being left out by girls/women in my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myelf to want to kill myself through the perception that my life is not worth it because i can get no attention from any girls/women in my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise life for being burdened by a lack of physical and verbal interaction with girls/women in my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the thought i have of killing myself through the fact that ther is no girl/women in my life, and that there hasn't been for the past 3 years.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a failure because I can't get the attention of a women/girl in my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place the value of myself solely around the judgments that girls have towards my physical appearance.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret silences and evasive looks that girls/women give me as justifications towards the idea that I need to kill myself because of not generating any interests with girls/woman towards my physical appearance.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place girls in pedestals in front of me.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give value to everything a girl says to me and through this, become completly enslaved to the judgments that I receive from girls in my life.
- I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to "want to kill myself" because of a word or judgment that a girl has said towards me.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "want to kill myself" because of a silence that a girl/woman has made towards me.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "long for death" because of the perceived sufferings that I experience whenever I am rejected by a girl.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value myself only if I am to be loved/accepted/interested by a girl/woman.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to sound intelligent so as to seek to appeal to a girl who may be reading or listening to me.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be completely possessed by the idea that a girl may have of me.
4) I want others to envy my knowledge because i want others to envy me just as much as I envy almost everybody else for having an appearance that I wish i had.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to envy almost everyone around me.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my self expression so as to please, at all cost, all those who are around me.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to envy those that I judge as being more beautifull than me.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to envy those that have a girlfriend/women in their lives.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself as being knowledgeable because of me wanting others to experience the same envy that I experience when comparing myself to others.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to appear knowledgeable to another because of me wanting another to envy me just as I envy another.
- I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that I want another to envy me because I want another to experience the sufferings that my envy towards another generates within me.
- I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that I want another to envy me because I want another to suffer like I do.
- I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that I want others to suffer like I do.
- I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise my own self-dishoesty towards my envy towards another.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive knowledge as being "more than me".
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to perceive me as being "more than how I perceive myself to be" so that I may not have to face who I am within my interactinons with others.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself for who I really am when interacting with another.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within energy so that I can remain as far away as I can from the sensation of my physical body.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to run away from my physical body, through all means possible, because of the shame I have of being "unliked" by no girls/women in my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shame towards my physical body for not having a girlfriend/women in my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shame towards my physical body for not generating any sings of interests from the girls/women I encounter in my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my desire to die through the fact that no girls shows any signs of interests towards me in my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be enslaved by the way girls/women react to my presence in my life.
- I forgive myself that I have abdicated myself as the physical because of the way I am treated by girls/women in my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect myself as the physical because of the neglect I get from the girls/women I encounter in my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to center the value of life around the reactions that girls/women have towards me in my life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to whish to have another face than the one I have in this life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted anda llowed myself to seek for another life because of the belief that I will have a better "facial appearance" in my next life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame life for the face that I have in this life.
- I forgive mysefl that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have the faces of those around me because of me judging almost everyone as being more beautifull than me.
- I forgive myself tht I have accepted and allowed myself to place value into beauty
- I forgive myself that I have acepted and allowed myself to fear being ugly
- I forgive myelf that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself.
5) I like comparing myself to others because I like to find faults within others so that I may like myself more for the "sad being" that I experience myself to be.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within comparing myself to others.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "like to compare myself to another" so that I can "find faults within another" so as to elevate myself from the "feeling that I have of being sad".
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to put another down so that I can feel myself as being "more than another".
- I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise the evil that I have become through me seeking to put another down in my head so that I may feel better about myself.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within comparison with another being.
- I forgive msyefl that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within comparisons because of the negative judgments that i nourrish within me towards me.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to "like myself more" through me finding "faults" as "negative physical traits" in another so that I may feel better about my facial appearance.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge another as being "more ugly than me" because of then perceiving myself as being "more beautifull than another" which makes me "feel better about my face".
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to find faults in the faces of another so as to elevate myself from the negative thoughts that I have towards my facial appearance.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from another through me judging another as having a "better face" or "worse face" than my own.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within feelings of sadness within me.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to nurrish feelings of sadness within me.
- I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that I nurrish the feelings of sadness within me because of the thoughts that continuously churn around as back chats within my mind.
- I forgive msyelf that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to stop participating within the back chats of my mind.
I stop participating within back chats within my mind.
Ok, that is enough for now as I feel clear within this moment.
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