What have I become since the year 2000?

Who am I? What have I become?

Those are the questions that I am currently asking myself since the personality that I am now expressing of myself is one that I would define as being the "dark me". This "dark me" that I currently define as my current expression of myself is a side of me that I have kept hidden from others for most of my life - it is the side of me which have abandonned all hope of something better for me. The fact is that i've always nurrished this side of me in the past, but kept it hidden from others and myself through me relegating it to the depths of my subconscious mind.

Most of the actions that I have made since june 2000 were actions that had as a starting point, the point of me as a loser in life, whereas I made a promise to myself that I would live to the end of 2012 just to see if I would be able to "make it" within that time frame. I mean that at that point in my life - june 2012 - I mostly thought of suicide because of the sad and lonely existence that was my own at the time. The only thought that made me consider continuing living was the thought that I would only have to live until the end of 2012, because of having then come unto a document over the internet that expressed that the end of the world was in that year. I remember that the idea of the end of the world was comforting me within my "lonely" existence - within which I kept re-experimenting situations of rejections over and over again. I remember specifically that it was and still is because of that inherent feeling of being rejected by others that I allowed the idea of suicide to crawl into my mind.

Now, the point that I am facing is the point that have been waiting to emerge ever since that year, which is the point of suicide because of still not having the relationships in my life which would enrichen my existence.

The reason why I courted with the idea of suicide back in 2000, was because I had no luck with women and that without the love and/or presence of a women in my life, that my life was not worth living for. Everything else such as having a job were secondary to the primary focus of being with a women/girl in my life. Since that priority was not met I had suicidal thoughts within which I planned on killing myself in june of that year. I obviously didn't kill myself then because, in part, I had read over the internet that the end of the world would be in 2012. I used this information to delude myself into thinking that I had 12 years to make it work for me. This meant that I had 12 years to have a girlfriend. 12 years to have a job. 12 years to have a family. In essence, that I had 12 years to have what I wanted out of life.

However, as it turns out now, I still haven't gotten what I have defined then as being the starting point of my participation in life - which is/was to have a girlfriend. To me, the starting point of everything else in my life was to have a girlfriend. I remember that I've generated that thought within my mind ever since I was a teenager, where I would tell myself that "I will start preoccupying myself with the buisiness of work and responsibility only when I will first have a girlfriend". Although that I've had a few girlfriends since that time, I still haven't found the women to share my life with. Thus, I am still "alone" within the perspective of not having anyone to share an intimate physical relationship with. I have used this situation to feed the idea of suicide since I am still not within the "projected outcome" that I have defined for myself ever since I've made this "aggreement" with myself back in the year 2000, which was to have a girlfriend and a family. Having then told myself that I would only kill myself if I would not have been able to build myself the primary "goal" of my existence - having a girlfriend and a family -, I have recently been overcome by thoughts of suicide since I am getting close to that "due date".

I have lived my life since that year, with the belief that the world was going to end in the year 2012 anyways. Within this belief, I have brought myself to lead a life of carelessness where my actions in regards to my future were taken lightly since I was convinced that the world was going to end in 2012.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to kill myself because of not wanting to live after 2012.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I only had to make it through to the end of 2012 back in the year 2000, from within which I programmed my life according to the belief that the world was going to end by the end of the year 2012 anyways.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take my life for granted because of the belief that the world was going to end by the end of the year 2012 anyways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take life as who I am as all as one as equal, for granted through the belief that the world was going to end in 2012.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a grudge against life because of the belief that it is because of life that I have this existence that I judge to be sad because of being stuck with regards to my "working" place in this world.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that the grudge I hold against life is a grudge that i hold against myself as who I am as life as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold a grudge against myself as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold my self expression because of the belief that I am stuck in this life within the grudge I hold against myself as life for not having the life that I whish I could have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to whish to have a life that would "magically" appear in front of me without any efforts on my part because of the "whishfull thinking" from within which I have hoped that my life would "change" by itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from change as life as the "wishfull thinking" that life would "magically change" instead of me actually working for the changes that I want to see and be in this world.