Daily diary

Sunday, June 5^th 2011-06-05

Today, I want to start, or rather feed a new pattern within me through the activity of writing, more specifically. This will to feed this new pattern of mine, which is not really new in a sense, since I have written many works in my past, but not in the sense of structurally directing myself into a specific goal within the act of writing. These past few weeks, I have started a new pattern of “diarising” my daily activities within the intention of doing so in a strictly objective fashion, which is to look at the activities of my day, in retrospect, from a strictly objective manner, so that I may develop a sense of being “here” within my living expression of myself here, instead of always reverting to past or future references of myself which only exist there in my mind.  So, recently as I have just stated, I’ve started to feed the pattern of focussing my attention on the objective/real and acted upon reality rather than trying to mingle what I live with whatsoever perspective or intentions that are behind my actions. What I seek to accomplish through this, is to actually change who I am within what I have accepted and allowed myself to become through the mind. What I have specifically noticed within my accepted and allowed personality, was that I have lived most of my life within the confines of my mind, within a position that is never actually living the direct of my living experience here, but rather is living in a projected inner realm where I nourish past ideas/experiences of myself or plan future ideas/experiences of myself rather than actually living who I am here in breath. So, within this, I realised that I have to apply myself in structuring my attention within what I am actually living on a day to day basis, so that I can built self-trust within who I am here rather that feeding illusionary trust stemming from future or past projections of myself here.

Also, i would like to point out that within this here diary, is my first attempt at writing myself out within the English language within the scope of my current intention which i have stated above. The reason why I want to point this out is that i have accustomed myself to write and talk to myself in French for the past few weeks – within the same scope as the intention that I have identified above. So, for me, I rather find myself in a position now which brings me to doubt my expression within the English language as the structure within which I write myself when writing in English, doesn’t have the same “flow” as the one which I have become accustomed to when writing and speaking in French. I am not here saying that I have difficulties in expressing myself in English, but rather that I do not sense English as being close to the core of what I am trying to express through this language. The language which is more to the core of my being is the French language, as this is the language from within which I have been brought up in this world. So, it is natural for me to translate my reality through the language of French instead of the language of English. So, when the time comes for me to express myself within the language of Shakespeare, it is a bit of a greater hassle for me to find confidence and flow in what I am writing/saying because of the inherent structure of the English language, which is significantly different that the French structure (for example, the structure of wording a sentence is generally different in French than in English).

What I want to structure within my being is the habit of living within the here expression of my physical reality instead of remaining in the “there” expression of my metaphysical reality. I am not living in my mind, but because I have accustomed myself in the act of isolating myself in my mind for most of my life, my focus at this point of my process is simply to get into the habit of placing my attention here. So, in order to accomplish this, I first have to will myself into an action that will, through repetition, restructure my awareness into my actual living reality. It is because I have lived within my mind for so long that I have to do this, for it is only through repetition of what I will myself into being, that I will overcome the patterns which pulls me backward within my mind as a conditioned habit.

Having said that, I will now go and have a look at my activities of the day, even if I haven’t lived through experiences which were particularly out of the ordinary or “moving” (here, i want to note that I took a small amout of time in order to remember the specific word that i was looking for, since the word which first came to mind was a French word – “bouleversement” – which means “to be internally moved as if recovering from an emotional shock” and since the English word which carries this same meaning wasn’t made readily available in my mind, I chose the word which seemed to stuck in my mind in regards to what I was intending to convey, thus I selected the word “moving” even if i am sure there is another English word which could portray the meaning of what I was trying to convey in a more precise and specific manner. So, this example is just to show those who are reading me, the inner struggle i face whenever i write in English, which is not foreign to me but foreign to my “inner vocabulary and structure of mind” – and it exactly because of that “foreign structural nature” that I have difficulties conveying my expression when comes the time for me to write or talk in English rather than French.). So, I was saying or rather writing that I haven’t lived specifically moving experiences within my daily activities of the day. But nonetheless, I will do a diary of my activities of the day because I see that even within the smallest of experiences, patterns of self-limitations through the personality that i have accepted and allowed myself to become can be found. It is thus by first becoming aware of those patterns that I will have the power to change myself into a living expression of what is best for all, which is simply to allow the life expression as my being here to release itself without the constant suppression coming through what I have accepted and allowed myself to become through the mind.

So, the first thing that I did this morning after I woke up was to fully dress myself up before going out of my room. I did this because it is not in my habit to dress myself fully before leaving the confines of my room whenever I wake up in the morning. Thus, rather than dressing myself up fully before leaving my room in the morning, I normally – within the self-conditioned structure of my personality – go out of my room partially dressed, with only my underwear or pants on before leaving my room in the morning.

It has occurred to me, after I read a self-empowering book a few weeks ago where it was mentioned that the simple act of changing one’s action per day could bring about effective change in one’s behaviour, that I would start by changing the pattern that I have accustomed myself into as my personality first by changing the pattern that I have habituated within my waking behaviour which was to “go out of my bedroom not fully dressed in the morning”. Through participating within the process of expressing to myself out loud, the objective experiences of my daily activities since about a few weeks back, I have started to see the underlying subconscious reasons as fears which were at the origin point of this behaviour. To change this simple behaviour of “not dressing myself up fully before leaving the confines of my bedroom” has had subtle yet observable effects on my overall personality construct, if not for the mere effects such an act has on my will to change – thus reinforcing the structure of change within my mind by making me “remember” through this action, the will to change the underlying pattern within my personality controlled behaviour. In a way, this simple act of changing the first action of my daily routine opens myself up to the new structure that I am responsible of creating as my self-expression, a structure which is fundamentally one with the being that I truly am rather than the being that masquerades as myself through what I have accepted and allowed myself to become.

So, after this “change in my behaviour” – a change that I have started applying for myself since about a week or so – I went outside my room and towards the bathroom so that I could weight myself – as this is yet another pattern that I allow myself to participate in because i am rather self-conscious of my weight, not wanting myself to reach a weight that would be over what I allow myself to weight.

(ok, i want to put a parenthesis here because i sense that i have difficulties concentrating myself when i am within the application of writing myself out. You see, I have accustomed myself to do this application through the act of “talking to myself out loud” at night time in a space where I am isolated from all to hear – in a park near where I live. Now, since I am writing within the scope of this application for the first time since I started this application of “diarising my daily activities through me talking to myself about my day out loud” and also since I am writing myself out in English, I have a tendency to “enter” patterns of “structural writing” – which I define as writing as if I am talking to someone else than myself within my own mind (writing for someone else than me which implies using words and sentences in order to bring about an understanding that is to me, acquired – meaning that I don’t have to tell myself why I need to do what I am doing since I know first hand why I have reached this point and why I need to change, but when I am writing in the scope of my blog, i write so that I can be understood by those who are reading, which implies that I have to go within myself in order to reach the words which would clearly explain the knowledge which is at the foundation of my expression, meaning the self-acquired knowledged out of lived experiences, which brought me to apply myself to change because of a “no more” type of attitude towards my behaviour. So, I find myself in a situation where I, first of all, have to write in a language which is foreign to my inner structure of mind – being French – and secondly, that i have to write for someone who will potentially be reading this post – which may also never be the case. So, it is this mental frame which I currently find myself in, which is not yet habituated. And it is giving me difficulties in remaining clear and to the point because of the nature of writing which is essentially an inner conversation with oneself. To me, whenever I write, it is difficult to maintain a specific focus because of the “silent” nature of “writing”, meaning that when one writes, one doesn’t state out loud all the words that one is writing. This fact brings me to have difficulties in “following” what I am saying because I do not “hear” the words that I am typing. Since I have accustomed myself to “hear the words” that I use to diarise myself to myself for the past week or so, the act of now doing this diary through writing, generates a sense of “unstructured expression” since I do not physically with my physical ears, hear me out loud when I write the words that I am currently writing. I notice that the simple act of speaking to myself out loud is an effective support in maintaining my focussed awareness here, rather than looking at words which all seem to be referring to things which only exists in my mind, rather than things which I bring out of my mind through a more directly sensed physical act, such as speaking out loud = hearing the words I speak rather than  reading the words I speak. Hearing the words I speak implies the physical body, which is who I really am as the physical as all as one as equal as life, whereas only writing the words keep me looking in my mind, rather than placing my attention on what is busy occurring here as I am writing myself out. Thus, I notice that it is a great support to actually talk to oneself out loud rather than continuously analyse the past through writing alone, because when one speaks to oneself, one physically senses the words one speaks which, in the case of what I seek to accomplish – which is to bring about the new pattern of living here in the physical reality rather than reverting back to the mind – facilitates one’s attention in remaining here, where life actually happens.)

Thus, I will stop my diary here, because it is all over the place. I wanted to do an introduction to those who may be reading, to what I intend on doing in the following days, which is simply to diarise myself so that I can share myself with others. My next diary will be more to the point, as I directly go to the act of diarising my day now that I have made a rather disjointed introduction of what I intend to do.