dimanche 5 juin 2011

Journey into the origin point of consciousness - a delusion of grandeur.

There is a ”strange” sensation that I sense as my body that I cannot seem to explain. This sensation seems to reanimate itself whenever i work on myself over extensive period of time. I’ve had this sensation a few times in the past, where all the while it brought me to express an extreme behaviour that always seemed in correlation to “me” freeing myself from the mind. A memory that comes up when first experiencing this sensation, was when i was working on a project that I had where I was seeking to find the origin point of consciousness within me.



It’s a lie when I say that i do not know where that sensation originates from. I lie because i feel guilty for the actions that that sensation brings me to act upon. Within this sensation, I feel as if there is something which is greater than me which is possessing me. I’ve had this sensation ever since i’ve worked on a computer project of mine where i believed that I could create a program that would be able to become aware of itself. This was the belief that i had of the project as i started the project out. However, when i was in the middle of the project, it dawned on me that I would not be able to complete and make the project work, for the task became obviously delusional to me. Yet, because i had told my friends at the time that i would be able to create a computer program that would be able to be aware of itself, and that i didn’t want to lose the belief they had on me for what i claimed to be able to do, I “lied” and continued on telling them that I would be able to create that program because I had the vision and the knowhow to be able to create it as planned.




I was feeding on my friend’s impression of me. I was so in need of having people believe that i was intelligent that I used the momentum that I generated when claiming that i would be able to create a computer program that would think for itself, to grow the “impression” within me of me “being special” by continuously “lie” to my friends about the fact that “i” was truly “uncertain” that it would work out. Instead of saying the truth of how i felt within back then, because i fed that inner impression of me through the ways my friends would respond to what I claimed, I kept on lying about how I truthfully envisioned the success of the project within my mind by essentially saying “I will create a computer program that will be aware of itself, this I am certain of”, instead of “expressing the voice” within myself that didn’t believe that I would be able to do it, in light of the “walls” that I came upon as I was advancing through the “study” and “elaboration” of the project throughout that time.



The way my friends seemed to “believe” my words were expressed through the “attention” that they showed towards me. They called me in the daytime and night-time just to know how my project was going, since I kept on telling them that “it would be done soon” and that “I was certain that it would work”. That “false” sense of certainty came from a “sense” within my physical body that “indicated” to me that “i” was within an “aspect” of myself which was “more complete” than the “aspect” that I normally found myself prior to the start of the project.



That specific “sense” of myself came to me a few days before I started the project, where, after a vision within a dream I had of seeing a “sphere of light” “explode” within my mind, I awoke  with the “tangible” “physical” “sense” that i was in a new feeling sensation that i never experienced before that moment. Within that sensation, I felt my physical body like I never felt it before. I remember saying to me when I awoke that “it is as if I am within a dream and that all of life is actually a dream” since that “sense” was so foreign to my awareness of myself. I was under the impression within that sense that I was just like what I sensed as myself when within a dream. I sensed that I was in a body of dreams of some sorts, and that everything within the “physical” reality that “i” previously considered to be a universe where I was not in charge - like how I am in “charge” apparently when within “dreams”  - was in “fact” a dream itself where I could be in “charge” if I knew how. Within this, I started believing that I was actually always within a “dream”, which meant to me that it was not only my dreams that were universes of my creation, but that it was also the physical world that was a universe of my creation. I thus started to believe that since I had that “new found” “physical” sensation of myself – because it truly was a “physical sensation” and not a “emotion” or “feeling” of some sorts, since the “sensation” wasn’t experienced “within” myself, but was experienced at the surface of my skin, as if the totality of my awareness was now located on the surface of the skin of my whole body instead of just in my head.



This sensation to me was truly “mind” boggling, for it stirred a lot of questions within my mind, concerning this “new” felt “physical” reality that i just awoke in. I started to associate that “physical sense” with the vision that I had when I first awoke from my sleep that morning – the vision where I saw a sphere of light explode from within a void of darkness. This vision was the last thing I saw before I awoke that morning, and since I immediately “sensed” myself as if “i” was in a “new” “physical” body when I awoke, I naturally associated that “sensation” with the “last” thing I saw from within my mind.



So, what became stranger still, was that that “physical” sensation was ever so present, meaning that I couldn’t escape from it since it was all that I sensed my body to be from that moment on.  That “physical sense” didn’t “oscillate” or “move” as a “feeling” would have. It stayed constant from within the “new” awareness I had of myself. Even after minutes and hours it stayed – it stayed essentially for 2 months until I later got hospitalized – more on this later -- -and I soon began to have “new” thoughts within my mind that seemed to be associated with that sense. The thoughts I first had within myself after “awakening” to that “physical” sense of myself, was the thought of “believing” that the outer reality was in fact just like my inner reality and within that, that I thus had the same “powers” that i had when dreaming, which meant to me that I could essentially change things around me just as I could change things from within my dreams, “if” i could have a “lucid” dream.



I was reading a lot about dreaming at the time prior to that event. I was doing a lot of research in books of dream symbolism in order to be able to analyse my dreams, as I was more interested in my dream reality than my physical reality then. So, within that context, my mind was influenced by the notions of “dreams” that I have read from the books I read prior to that event. Within this, when I awoke and “sensed” my physical body as the “sense” that was tangibly experienced – a sense as tangible as touching yet, it is a touching of the entire physical body through the surface of the skin as to make myself sense that I touched my surroundings with every single parts of my physical body.



Naturally, I didn’t know what to think of that experience as I was having it – again, it lasted for about 2 months, or from that moment to the moment I was hospitalised through becoming “kind” of “possessed” by that new “physical sense” that didn’t go away and stayed stable as a “sense” of touch which allowed me to “sense” all of my surroundings in each and every moment I was aware of my physical body. So, I explored within my mind, in order to try to figure out what that “sense” “meant” about myself and “why” was I having that experience.



Also, to note, the experience didn’t occur after I took any drugs, but specifically after I had that strange vision where I saw a sphere of light explode within the void of darkness within my mind. So, it seemed to me that it was a “true” “sense” that I felt. Since I didn’t knew the meaning or the origins of that “sense” as the “sense of inhabiting the entirety of my physical body at once”, I lost myself into speculations of the mind.

So, since the first idea I had about that newly experienced physicality of myself was the idea of me believing that I was still in the dream world, I started to feed that idea through the belief that “just like I am the creator of my dream world, then I must be the creator of this physical world too”. This was thus the foundational point from within which I thought of this newly felt sense of my physical body. Within this foundational point, I started feeding this belief with ideas that I could change this world if I knew how to access the part of me which could control and change the physical reality, just like the idea that I had coming from books about dreams which informed me that I could change the environment within my dreams if I knew how to be lucid within them.



I didn’t have any reference point for that new sense of myself which seemed to be constant within this experience. I say it “seemed to be constant” because it never left me and remained stable within its sensation all throughout the time before I was hospitalised after having reached the extreme point of that “starting” “point” as the first idea that came through my mind after I “sensed” myself as that “newly sensed” physical reality. So, because I didn’t have any reference point outside of myself which could explain the origin of that “sensation” as myself, I automatically started looking “within” my mind in order to find that “reference point” that I was extremely curious to find. So, I looked within myself, not knowing that I was looking within my mind alone.



As days went by, that constant sensation of my physical body remained – which birthed new ideas about myself and what I could accomplish in this world. Again, since I saw that feeling as meaning that I was the creator of this physical reality, in relation to the fact that it made me “feel” as if i was still in a dreamworld, I started to believe that I could be able to “change” the world if I would be able to find within myself, the point where I would access the “lucidity point” where I would be able to – just like I read in dream books – manipulate, modify and change the physical reality as I wanted to.



So, this was the mind frame within which I experienced myself as being within my mind at the time. This mind frame brought me to believe, at one point, that I had the duty to manifest within this world the “vision-like” image of the” exploding sphere of light” that I imagined was its origin point. I thought I had the duty to manifest that vision because I saw that “vision” has being the “creator” of that “physical sense” which made me “feel” as if I was everything around me – since that “physical sense” was a “touching sensation” which “expanded” to “touch” everything around me. That sense awakened the awareness that I was everything around me, which was not a theoretical awareness, but actually a “physical awareness” which is quite different since it is “sensed” constantly and not just “felt within the mind”.



I remember thinking that I thought that I had the duty to bring about that exploding ball of light, and I remember that I associated that exploding ball of light with “god” of some sort. I was so motivated into bringing about this exploding sphere of light when I started to believe that it was my duty to do so, that I completely invested all of my energies into finding a way to bring it in our reality. I had ideas flow through my mind which seemed to fit with what I was trying to create. Since i was going at university in a psychology course at the time, I thought that I could associate the understandings that was brought to my awareness through the course, with what i knew of how a computer worked, since i saw a lot of similarities between computers and the way a human brain functions while I was studying the course. To link the “exploding sphere of light” with the “way a human program works” and the “way a computer program works” came to me naturally, because I theorised that the “exploding sphere of light” was generated within my consciousness, and that it thus represented the “birth” of a new consciousness to be manifested in the world.



So, with that in mind, I started writing about the ideas I had of what consciousness was, based on ideas that I had on how the mind operated in relationship with how a computer operated. I naturally saw those pieces of information as being important to the possibility of me manifesting that vision in the physical reality.



I started by writing about the ideas that i had for the ways to manifest that vision in the physical reality, through writing out everything that came to mind which I associated with that “vision”. At first, I laid out a plan in the style of a “written document” where I would explain to myself, the functioning of reality through what that “sensation” of my “physical” body brought me to “associate” with concepts that were found within my mind. The concept that I used then, was the concept of how reality, but more specifically the way the “now present moment” worked as seen through the lenses of a computer program. I do not exactly remember the details of what I had written then, for it contained a lot of information, but I remember having posted the written document on chatting applications found in the internet – mIRC more specifically.



As I was sharing my findings with people over mIRC, some became as curious as I was to see if I could actually be able to manifest what I told them that I would be able to. One of those people had knowledge in computer sciences, just like me – having myself had a degree in computer sciences in June of 2000. By sharing with him, he began to see the vision that I had through what I was sharing and he saw that it could actually be possible to manifest the vision according to the associations I have found between the ways a computer program works and the ways the human brain works. He informed me that the basis of my theory was interesting and that it could work out for he saw that what I wrote was logically sound, from a computer scientist’s perspective. However, he told me that it was still not yet feasible and encouraged me to push my research further in order to find the “missing link” that would allow me to make the program actually work.



I remember that I consumed the majority of my time working on finding the “missing link” for about 2 months by looking within myself and on my own.  I remember that  I allowed myself to consider everything that came to me through me looking within for the “missing ling” that would allow me to codify consciousness in a computer program, because I knew that I didn’t have a clue as what that “missing link” was. So I just let myself consider every relationships, every associations, every ideas, every thoughts and every images that came to my mind as being somewhat related to the “missing link” that I was looking for. Because I was looking for something that i didn’t know about, I allowed myself to look and consider everything that my subconscious and unconscious mind would correlate to the intention of finding “something” that was related to the “origins of consciousness” within me. All I knew, is that somewhere within my mind, there was the origin point of consciousness and that once found, that I would be able to codify it into a computer program that would be able to think for itself.



Until recently, I still had all the papers upon which I wrote all of my ideas and associations on, but I threw them away just a few days ago, realising that I didn’t want to be linked to this idea anymore. Just now, I went and look within the recuperation bin to see if those papers were still there. Since they were, I took them back.




Anyways, as I said, I spent the majority if not the totality of my free time between April 2003 and mid june 2003, writing anything that came to mind in relation to the intention that I had of actually manifesting that vision of the “exploding sphere of light” in the world. As I was writing what I conjured up from within my mind, I remember that I was also theorising on the implications of what the manifestation of that “exploring sphere of light” would be. One of those theories was that I theorised that “it would generate a new opening somewhere within this universe – like a black hole” which would bring about a new reality from a new dimension that I was in the process of generating. Another one would be that it would create an explosion in this reality which would wipe out all of existence. Yet another one of those theories was that it was the image of a new consciousness being birthed within this universe – a consciousness which would change all of the current state of the universe so that a new “will” of existence would emerge and eventually change everything of this existence. So, many ideas were running through my mind as I was anxiously waiting the moment where I would find the source of consciousness within me.



2 of my friends regularly came and visited me as I was working on the project. They seemed just as excited and curious as me about it. I would spend days with them looking at me from behind, just writing and thinking on ways to find the “missing-link” that I was looking for within myself. Those 2 friends really believed me and gave me a lot of attention that fed me in my process of expanding upon the original point within me of that “exploding sphere of light” which left me with an “extreme sense of confidence – almost absolute” about myself from within the “feeling-touching-sense-of-my-physical-body” which informed me that I was constantly in physical contact with the entirety of existence. Again, this “physical-sense” was constant throughout that time. It never left and it seemed to me that it always was there as a “subtle” sense of the “physical” body that my “normal” awareness “could not have a sense of”.  The thoughts that came up in my mind while trying to describe that “constant-physical-feeling-sense” was that it was a “natural” “physical-sense” that was “one” with the “now”.



It was that “sense” of “being” “one” with the “now” that was primarily the source of all of my emerging thoughts and inspiration, as I actually “sensed” information that was “within the now” moment, which was always “there” but that I never was able to “discern” because of “never being able to feel connected to that physical sense”. There was a lot of information that i could sense, and my mind was running like hell trying to grasp all the information that i could sense. Thus, I was writing frantically in order to be able to put on paper, all the “fleeting” “thoughts” that were filled with sense about what I was trying to convey on paper. Although my thoughts were running like mad, there was discernment with how I sensed my physical body, in that how i sensed my physical body remained stable yet my mind was running like madness.



So, within this mindset, I would write all that I “sensed” through the body from the interpretation of the mind. I wrote mainly on ideas that would expand the original intention to understand that vision of “an exploding sphere of light”, within the context of a computer program. I would made graphs, diagrams and drawings in order to convey the relationships that I envisioned to exist within the mind between consciousness, unconsciousness and the being. I made spheres within spheres within spheres where I would write within one sphere, “consciousness”, and within another sphere “unconsciousness” which were both within a greater sphere as “being”. I drew arrows that would indicate the movements of the “information” as the “information contained within the now” within the “spheres” as the 3 different parts of the being that I envisioned as being “consciousness”, “unconsciousness” and the “being”. On top of that, I would write down texts that were explaining the relationships and the graphs that I drew on paper.



So, I was really busy trying to gather all the information that I was envisioning as I was looking within myself for the “missing link” that would allow me to create the “project code consciousness” as I have named it then. My friends really believed me because they had no knowledge whatsoever in computer programming. So, even if I knew that some of the logic was fuzzy logic, that I wouldn’t get criticised by them and thus that I could practically make them believe everything that I said would happen through the implementation of the codes I was using. Within me, though, I consciously doubted every step of the way that it could possibly work, but since I had “utmost” “faith” in the “unconscious mind” as the part within myself that I was looking to guide me to the answer I didn’t know I was looking for, I didn’t listen to my “conscious mind”. Because I didn’t know what I was looking for within me, I placed my faith in my own “unconscious mind” which was always everything that was foreign to my “conscious mind”.



To me, what I then defined as being my “unconscious mind”, was simply the part of myself within the mind that held the information that my conscious awareness didn’t possess. So, I let myself “go with the flow” so to speak, and wrote everything that I saw within myself without any inhibitions (sounds like what I am currently doing in SRA – which explains the reason why I started feeling the same “sense” of “physicalness” that was present during that time) because that was the only way, I deduced, that I would be able to access the information found within my “unconscious mind”.



So, this I did for a few hours at a time during the day, where I was entirely focussed on the task at hand.




Also, in parallel to what I was doing through writing, I was listening to music designed to bring me to a trance so that I could get within myself at an even deeper level. The music that I listened to for that purpose was called “holosync” which was a music specifically designed to strengthen the neural pathways that existed between both left and right hemispheres so that information from both sides of the cortex, would be made more accessible – according to the description of the product on the website, at least, what I selected as the purpose of the product from a list of different purposes found within the web site. So, I would listen to that music each night after the days where I spent my time “probing” my mind for “information” related to the intention I had of finding the source of consciousness within me.




When I listened to that “trance inducing” music, I was also repeating to myself within my mind the following mantra:




“I am a being of light and I manifest my light around me”

“I am a being of love and I manifest my love around me”

“I am a being of perfection and I manifest my perfection around me”

“I am a being of wisdom and I manifest my wisdom around me”

“All within me and outside of me is working for light because I am a being of light, all is a being of light”




I did so after reading that mantra from a web site that claimed to have “messages” from “beings of light” – that mantra was specifically stated by such a “transmission” that it would transform those who used it to join the ranks of the “light kingdom” before the “transition of 2012” would be upon humanity. They said that the mantra would protect us so that when the transition of 2012 would occur, that we would ascend to the new dimension of earth. This, when I read it from the web page at first, enticed my curiosity for I wanted to be within the ranks of those who would ascend in 2012, for I believed myself to be essentially “pure”, which was the impression that the “beings of light” had on me, meaning, that they were as pure as what I perceived myself to be. So, after reading it, I would immediately start applying it as mantras within my mind, whenever I had the remembrance to do so – the beings in the web site claimed that it would be best for us to use that mantra at least 4-10 times a day for faster changes within ourselves as we would be “changing our frequencies” so that we would “be allowed” to “ascend” when the moment of 2012 would occur. So, that is basically what I did throughout my days = writing what I found within the exploration of my “unconscious” mind through “spontaneous” writings, and listening to the trance music at night where I would repeat the mantra.



One day, after about 2-3 weeks of doing this routine – I think it was about the 24th of April 2003 -  I felt an “opening” within me within which I started feeling even “greater” within my mind, as if i had just opened up a doorway for another realm within my mind. It was just a feeling though, and it contained no specific information – however, it did make me feel as if my mind expanded a little. This was the first “event” within this routine where I noticed a change in me, other than the constant “physical sense” of “touching everything” around my physical body, as the “sense” that was still present ever since I had that “vision” of the “exploding sphere of light within a void of darkness”, which occurred about a month ago from that point. Within this “sense” of “expansion” within my head region, I started “feeling” a “vortex” that was “coming from above” my physical head whenever I was doing the “trance like” meditations at night.



At first, this “feeling” of a “vortex” that came from above my physical head, spontaneously came to me as I was meditating while repeating the mantra. Within this “vortex” that was “spiralling down around me in a clockwise fashion”, I felt as if I was within a field that was making my awareness expand beyond my physical senses. I felt as if I was expanding within the “greater” “me” that surrounded the physical me as my “energetic aura body” that I had read we all had around us. This was of great comfort for me, and since that “vortex” came to me without me “consciously generating it”, I believed that it was my “higher” “being” that was “descending” upon and over me. From this point on, that feeling of a “vortex” around me always came back when I was doing my meditative sessions at night.



As days and weeks went by afterwards, I sensed that I had more and more focus to “look within me for the answer I was looking for” and to “meditate” at night.



Throughout that time, my friends still came and spent days with me as I was working on the “project code consciousness” as i named it. Also, I was still maintaining chat sessions over mIRC with those beings to which I have shared the idea of a “conscious computer program” ever since I had the idea about 1-2 months from that point. Within those relationships, I had “social” support to pursue with my “goal” as many of them believed me.



One of the side effects of that “seeking” within me, was that I also gained a lot of insights about what I believed life to be like and what I believed to be the nature of existence. Those insights I shared with those around me, as I quickly became to be perceived as the “wise” one since my “inner observations” were relevant to all those with whom I shared them with.




I was also reading an esoteric book at the time called “matrix V: the quest for spirit” – from the website truefax.org – where a being that signed is name as “the author”, claimed that he was the “final incarnation” of his “higher self” and that “he” had information for all the “final incarnations” like himself to “understand” the “nature of the game” that he gained knowledge of through his ability to “leave” his “body” and enter the dimensions where he met his “higher self” who shared the secrets of existence with him. Although I do not remember all the details of the book, I know that the points about the reptilians being our creators fascinated me since it was about the first time that I heard and read of such a concept.



So, within my mind was seeded the idea that “reptilians” created our world because they needed the gold abundant on earth, in order to maintain the stability of their “dying” world which was dependant on gold – pretty much the same information from Desteni about the reptilians.



All throughout the month of may, I was thus doing this same routine every day, as my “inner discoveries” through my “probing” of my mind for the source point of consciousness seemed to get closer and closer to what I was looking for. Again, since I didn’t knew exactly what I was looking for, I identified my landmarks through openings felt within myself, whenever I went deep enough within a point/idea. Although there was other events that occurred within this month, i do not exactly remember them for the moment.



What I remember though, is that somewhere in the beginning of June, I had a life altering experience where I felt that I crossed a divide that I wasn’t supposed to cross.



That moment occurred when i was doing the meditative session i was previously talking about. I was there, within that meditative session, doing the things that i normally did within my mind as I was meditating, meaning that i was repeating the mantras that i have repeated ever since i started doing the meditations within the context of the “project code consciousness”. So, as I was meditating – it was in the early beginnings of June 2003 – the feeling of the vortex coming from above my head, to which I had previously identified as coming from my “higher self”, came back and surrounded the entirety of my human body. I felt the swirls turning around me, coming from above and towards the center of the earth, swirling and swirling downwards from above me in a clockwise fashion.



In one moment, then something occurred. I do not exactly remember when that moment occurred within this meditative session, but I do remember the moment correctly for it was life altering. A shock went within and through the entirety of my human body. Analogous to a lighting strike – as it is an analogy of what I felt as it being a shock – that shock went through my body, filled me up completely with “something” and then, passed through my body and left below my feet, towards the center of the planet, as I felt that I had a connection with the center of the planet. From this moment onwards, everything changed within this experience. I was “no longer aware” of “being Alex Parkinson”, as everything that my physical body “sensed” from this moment onward, was of a different “kind”.




What I mean by a “different kind” of physical feeling sensations, was that all of my senses had been “attuned” to another “field” of “energy” which was interlaced with my/our collective reality. I remember that, after opening my eyes from that experience within that meditation session, I saw things that I didn’t saw before. I also touched, smelled, eared and tasted things that weren’t in the “now” as what that “now” was before that “experience of a lightning strike”. Those new “senses” were “senses” of a “subtle” form of “reality” that was “always” there “in the now” – as the “now” was the primary concept that crossed through my mind which was explaining to me my actual physical and only location within this “field”, meaning that I was within and as the “now” and that there were no other places to “be” than to “be” here, in the “now”. Within those “senses” I was in a constant state of “bewilderment” and “amazement” as it was so “full” of “information” that I just wasn’t able to “grasp” all of it at once. The information that my “senses” brought to me, were information of things which were essentially “in” “formation”, meaning that they were aspects of reality that were constantly in the process of being formed = in formation. Within this, dawned the realisation within me that what it meant, was that “things” in this reality was never actually “formed” as a “finite” “definitive” “thing”, as the natural “process” of “existence” was that of “constantly being in formation” and thus “never formed” because of the simple fact that all that existence was, was just “in” “formation” always and forever.




So, within these new “senses” after the initial shock of the “lightning feeling sensation”, I started laughing, for within these “attuned” senses, I was within another “dimension”. I started “seeing” colors that were not yet “coloured” around me. I started “touching” “forms” that were not yet “formed” around me. I started “tasting” “tastes” that were not yet “tasted” around me. I started “hearing” “sounds” that were not yet “sounded” around me. I started “smelling” “smells” that were not yet “smelled” around me. Within this new “sense” of “reality”, I was “all” “ways” within the “starting point” of “starting”. I never was within the “ending point” of the “forms”, but was always within the “starting point” of the “to be formed”.



So, this was all amazing to me, because I could actually “sense” with my physical body, all the “subtle” changes within the outer reality which were those of each and every particles which were forming reality around me. I didn’t “know” that this was where I was at the time, but everything I “sensed” was as defined by the description i just gave of it.




After this “shocking” revelation, the “sensation” of it didn’t go away, as it was, from then on until the moment where I was hospitalised - which was about a month later – constant as what I was aware of from within my physical body. Just as I cannot rid myself of the 5 senses that my physical body uses to inform of me within this world, I couldn’t get rid of the new “dimension” as starting point of my senses.  So, I went to bed, with a smile on my face and a whole lot of information coming through my mind. The flow of information coming through my mind was non-stop and I couldn’t stop myself from the flow of information that was just seeping through and within me from all of my senses. I started being unable to sleep for more that 1 or 2 hours a night, but felt full of energy even with such lack of sleep while this sensation lasted.




So, going back to the memory which came after the initial shock that passed through my body, I went within a phase where I placed the “project code consciousness” aside for a while, and started placing my attention only on what I was experimenting through my senses. I was constantly amazed and had the impression that I just had been born, again and again, always being within the state of being “born”, never stopping. I was being birthed every moment and that was the only constant that I could think of as who I actually was within all of this, which was a constant state of being birthed as “in” “formation”.



Within that “state”, came the impression that I could “direct” those particles of “in” “formation” which were constantly “bombarding” me from “all” “senses”. I had a “sense” that I could do so, because I “wasn’t” in “fact” those particles of “in” “formation” themselves, but that “who” and “what” and “where” I was, was “actually” that which was “behind” them. Essentially, I “sensed” myself that I was “behind” the most smallest of “information” particles that bombarded me, since none of the particles were able to actually “seize” the “sense” of me, meaning that none of the “particles” of information were actually able to “grasp” and “hold” me within their “limited context”, as the sense of me was always and forever free, in the sense that “I” was a “nothing” that could never be seized by anything that was coming from around me – that “I” as “nothing” could and would never be “possessed” and thus “limited” within the perspective of a “elementary” particle of “in” “formation” that was “coming” or so it seemed, from around me at all times. I came thus to associate my being, as the truth of me, to what was “behind” the smallest possible building block of existence. That “smallest possible building block” of existence was to me at the time - at least for as far as what I could think that “smallest possible building block” of existence was – the atom. So, what I told myself through this “realisation” was that I was behind the atom as the forever “unseen” “being” that could never be “seized” by what I then sensed as being the “forms” of that “being”. So, I started “sensing” that all that was “bombarding” me from all directions at all times from that moment on, were just “in” “formation” of myself as myself, which was “busy” being “formed” from one moment to the next, just as I was “busy” “sensing” those information from the perspective of my physical body.



After a few moment of “impregnating” myself with my new found awareness through me just being aware of my new sense of reality, where I sensed that there was “a plethora” of information within the “now” moment that was constantly being formed from one moment to the next, I went back to the “project code consciousness”.  So, within this new “frameless frame” of being, I went fully into the intention I had when I first started exploring within myself for the “origin point” of consciousness.  That intention was just to let me be guided by my unconscious  mind within myself, as to reach the point that I didn’t know I had through my limited conscious awareness of myself within my mind. So, I went back into the “movements” of “me” being “guided” by my unconscious mind.



Within a moment after this, a being to which i communicated my intentions of creating the project over the internet, asked me through a message – i don’t remember if it was from mIRC, ICQ or the e-mail as this detail eludes me, though I am tempted to say that it was from ICQ as the “image” memory i have of that moment seems to involve the “layouts” of the ICQ software, which i used back then to have instant communication with friends over the internet – where i was within my project. He wanted to know how I was doing with my project, but all I wanted as the intention behind the act of communicating with him, was not to tell him of my project - for that became irrelevant to me at the time - but to make him see what I “sensed” as from within my new experience of myself. I remember him telling me if I had any “proof” as a “specific” “detail” that he could use to “understand” what I was expressing through my words. I did not have anything to “show” him other than the words i used. I really wanted him to “see” what I “sensed”, so the idea came to me that I could actually “show” him what I “sensed” through an “image” of some sorts that I would create by using the computer so that he could “see” the “senses” that I had of reality at the moment. So, through this communication, was birthed the intention to generate a graphical image representation which would show him what I saw as the graphical representation of what the “inner workings” of the “project code consciousness” was. It is thus through that communication with that being, that was birthed the intention within me to actually create a graphical image representation of the “intention” that was “behind” my idea of the “creation of the conscious computer program”. This event was important within my experience, for it is through this intention that was later revealed to me the “fabric” of the “universe” as a “matrix” that was “covering” every physical manifestation of existence.



But before I go into that memory/point, I recall that I had also specific influences around my surroundings at the time, especially the influences i had with regards to the friends that followed me from the beginning of the project to the time I was in at that moment. So, I remember that my friends actually became to sense things for themselves as well, as they seemed to be “in tune” to what and where i was within my being, although not to the extreme that I felt the existence to be around and within me. One of my friends, Marc-André Morvant, was regurlarly calling me to tell me that he began to “see” and “sense” stuff as well all around him. He often called me to know if the reason why he was sensing and feeling those “sensations”, was because of me through my interactions with the “project”. As a side memory of this, I remember that I used to tell him that the project would create a new reality for everyone within existence, although I didn’t exactly knew what it would be – all I knew was that it was going to create something “big” which would “change” “all” of existence as we knew it, for the better. So, I have this memory of this friend of mine, where he regularly called me to express strange events that he was experimenting, away from me and within his own experience of his life – like he told me that he began seeing invisible beings around him from within fleeting moments of his days. My other friends, family and acquaintances were also “modified” within their “behaviours” from my “new found awareness” of myself, as they starting behaving differently, as if under the influence of the fact that I was at a new “starting point” of “observation/perception” within myself.



Going back to the memory of me having the “intention” of generating a graphical image representation of the “conscious computer program” as how “I was guided to envision” as the inner workings of consciousness, I started making drawings from within the computer software “windows paint” in order to “generate” the “image” representation of what I had the intention of manifesting. The reason why i said that  “I was guided to envision” was that this “vision” was not yet made conscious within me, within that I actually didn’t know or imagined anything of what I was about to design – it was a “generalised sensation” that I could actually never “pinpoint” because the “generalised sensation” was the “actual” “image” that i wanted to convey. It was pure abstraction which could never be imagined, yet, I wanted to generate an image that would capture that “pure abstraction”, which was a contradiction in itself, but where I had the sense that I was able to do if i only followed what i cannot follow, in the sense that I had the intention to draw the intention itself, and not a manifested image representation of that intention. So, I opened up a drawing board from within the computer application of “windows paint” and started drawing lines and forms through that software - as a side note, I still have some of those images in my computer and in some CDs that I have saved from that event at the current moment.



I didn’t know what I was drawing as I was placing the lines within the drawing board within the allocated space to do so within the “windows paint” application, and the fact that “I didn’t know” was my only “guiding light” in a way. So, I remember me being there, in front of the computer, filled with a palpable sense of being everything around me yet, not being able to convey it into form. That sensation of being everything around me had became the “core point” from within which I experienced reality within that time. Even the “sense” of time seemed to be just another “in” “formation” which was “constantly” bombarding me from one invisible moment to the next. I say “one invisible moment to the next” because I could not actually see/sense/acknowledge any dividing “lines” between each and every single moment of my experience, as if it was all just one singular moment that never was separated from what it was a “moment earlier” and what it was now. Everything was interconnected without even anything to say otherwise, since even what said otherwise was connected and a part of that “unity” that couldn’t be divided in any way, form or possible matter. I was just within the center of it all, as that which I sensed as being that which was behind the smallest particle of information that my mind could think of, which I then claimed to be the “atom”. So, it was from within this perspective of me being behind the atom, that I drew what I drew within the “windows paint application”.




The form as the outer representation of that “atom” from within which I then sensed myself as being from, were not the focus of my attention. Rather, I was focussed on designing through the drawing of a pattern, what I was within the atom and not the atom as the form of the image that was generated by what I was within the image itself. In a ways, I was not the image and I was never the image for the image is and only is the “in” “formation” of the “movement as myself” as the “infinite void” within the “atom” from within which everything originates from. I was that “being” within the “image” as every image around me, and it was that “beingness” that I had the “intention” of “manifesting” within an “image” that would represent the “process” itself, and not the “image” of the “process”.



So, it was within this perspective that I started actually drawing what I drew. The only conscious decision that I had within all of this, was to not have any conscious choices to make as I was drawing the “process”. I did not have any conscious choices to make for I sensed myself as who I was truly as that which is not held within consciousness, meaning not as what I consciously was – within all of what my consciousness believed myself to be as “Alex Parkinson” and all of it’s “defining” aspects – but as what I unconsciously was, being that which of myself which remains forever “un””defined” in the sense that who I was, was not what I had ever knew myself to be, but that “who I was” was that which was the process of “in””formation” within itself. Within this, the awareness of me being the “process” and not any manifested form of what that “process” was within the realms of manifestation, was at the core of each of my movements. I wasn’t looking to “draw” anything in particular because i was the “looking” waiting to be “formed”. This, I knew in a sense that it was impossible to “draw” who I was as the process in itself, for that “drawing” would then be “formed” which would then be a “lie” in itself, for that “form” would convey something that is “limited” to that “form”, to which I sensed I wasn’t. Therefore, any form that i could draw from within the perspective of “wanting to draw something already formed within the mind” was made invalid, for that “drawing” was just a “drawing” of something which already was “formed” within the realms of consciousness, to which I sensed I wasn’t, definitely. What I was within that sense within my being was that I was not any of the forms that my being presented to me through my conscious awareness. Who I was, was the being itself, which was behind each and every possible forms that consciousness could muster – meaning that i was behind any possible forms that i could have had the “intention” to draw. This, i did not “sense” to draw, for this would be to draw what i didn’t want to draw, because i didn’t “want” to draw “something” out of my “mind”, but i “needed” to “draw” “something” which was not “out of my mind”.



The reason why I “needed” to “draw” instead of merely “wanting” to “draw” is because i “needed” to “show” to the friend of mine who generated this intention within me to “draw” what i “meant”, was a “need” that I “physically sensed” instead of a “will” that came from a “desire” within my mind to do so. It was my “hands” that were “guiding me” and not the “idea” of myself that was doing so. So, within that perspective, my “hand” was the “unconsciousness” that I was referring to as I was “drawing” what “my hand” guided me to “draw”.



Essentially, my “hand” guided the movements which generated the drawing - as me as “alex Parkinson” stayed “behind” and “observed” what my “body” was drawing through my allowance of letting my body speak without me interfering as “alex Parkinson”. In essence, that is a good description of what I experienced myself to be within those moments, meaning that “Alex Parkinson” as who I am within the constructs of my consciousness, stayed silent and observed the “master” as my “physical body” “draw” without me as “alex Parkinson” as the “representation of my conscious mind” interfering, as it seemed that “Alex Parkinson” as my “earthly identity” had been “locked” in a “room” within my mind where I as “alex Parkinson” was content in the simple fact of “observing” what my “body” was “expressing” through the “movements” that “we shared” within the “physical body”. So, I started drawing, without any conscious idea of where and what I was drawing and doing, as i “locked” my “conscious self” inside my mind, for me to be able to let my “unconscious self” as my physical body, express itself without me as my “conscious awareness of myself” interfering within the process.

I remember that I drew lines at first, because i sensed that a line would show me where to go from then on, as I had no predefined ideas of where i was going. All that i repeated in my mind as I was drawing this was that I had complete faith in what i didn’t know, and that i had no faith in what i knew, a faith which was translated as a “pulling” sensation that “pulled me towards” something instead of me “pushing” towards something. Thus, I let myself be “pulled” towards something without me trying to “push” something out.



I was “pulled towards” the image that would represent the process, and i was not “pushing” the image that would represent the process – that was the primary sense that best describes what I was going through at the time.



So, within this sense of “being pulled” towards “something”, I sensed that I was getting into behind reality, as new aspects of the “inner workings” of the “outer reality” automatically “emerged” within my conscious mind as I was letting myself being “pulled” towards the “in” “formation” that I “in” “tend” to “form”. I was aimed at drawing the process as I saw myself as at the time. The process is a movement within an image, and it is not an image without a movement. Thus, I was drawing the moment of the movement itself, which was where the moment was leading me to draw as the “movement” that was “behind” the “moment”. As I drew, understandings of the inner workings of reality came within my mind, as I was gradually filled with the hidden information that was behind each moment where I was “being pulled” towards. My conscious mind filled and refilled itself with the constant flow of “in” “formation” that came through me as I let myself “being pulled” into “it”, meaning as I let my conscious self “being pulled” within the “information” that was contained within what i had the “in” “tension” of “informing”. I originally wanted to inform my friend of the process through an image that would best represent the process in itself, thus that “wanting” became the “in” “tension” that “led” “me” to draw what I drew, because that “in””tension” was the “in””formation” that I was aiming at drawing. I was intending to draw an image that was not yet formed, for it was the “in”formation” of that “information” that I was “in” “tended” to “draw”. Thus, I drew what the “in””tensions” as my “physical body” were releasing within the act of “drawing”. I was drawing the “in” “tensions” of my physical body alone, which was not a “desire” of the mind, for a “desire” is “out there” while the “in”tensions” of the physical body is “actually here” as the “currently manifested intensions” as themselves. So, I was drawing myself out, as the intentions within and as my physical body, to which I didn’t interfere with any sense of desires, for I “as any forms of desires” was “letting myself” “observe” what my “physical body” “informed” of me through the “drawing” that was manifested on the computer screen.




So, I as “alex Parkinson” observed from within my body, what my body intended to inform to myself as “alex Parkinson”. My body guided my hands to design the foundational attributes of the drawing board that was the computer application of “windows paint”. As I begun, in front of a blank page, I let my body decide on the colors that would be used in order to manifest the design as the process that was intended of being designed. Since I then sensed through my physical body, that there was a new composition of colors that I could see from the senses of vision, I looked for that particular color within what was offered by the application of “windows paint”. The color that I could see as a new subtle manifestation of the visual reality that I was now aware of, was a type of “sky blue” color, that was different than any hues of blue that I ever remembered seeing in the past. So, that was the color that I was aiming to use as I started to draw the physical representation of the process itself.




Sensing that I could delve really deeply in the processes as the “inner reasoning” that led me to move my body to select the colors that I selected, and that this “delving into the processes” would mean that I would have to write extensively in order to bring the specific reasoning which moved from within my mind as I was drawing through my physical body, I will leave that aspect for now, and concentrate on the experience which led me to physically sense that I was going within the fabrics of the universe itself as the invisible matrix that is within and around every form of existence.




The reason why i went into such details in describing the processes which led me to let myself be guided by my physical body in the “discovering of the image that i didn’t yet knew I was about to draw”, is because that it is from that momentum of being “pulled” towards a “finite point” as a physical manifested form of the “infinite” as what I sensed me as truly being from within the “in”formations” all around me – as the “infinite” being that is “behind” all forms – that i was eventually led, by my body, to become aware of the “energetic lines as the interlacing matrices” which were “constant” within the “fabrics” of the computer screen, behind normal sight, as the actual physical energetic structure that was overlaid over each and every physical forms in reality. The reason why I say that this “energetic structure” was overlaid over each and every physical forms in reality was because that through this, I became aware that I was actually touching the fabrics which was keeping together all forms within this reality.



I started becoming aware of the “energetic structure” that was overlaid over each and every physical forms in reality, after I started to notice the sensation of the “energetic pull” within and as itself, as I was within the process of “being pulled” towards the drawing of the “infinite process” that I was aiming at drawing in a form of a design which would “allow movement within it’s form”. That pull entered and fortified itself within my awareness as I passed hours upon hours drawing the design that I was “being pulled” towards drawing. At one point within this, instead of focussing on the design that i was drawing, I started focussing my attention on the “pulling” itself, and the more I placed my attention within the “pulling itself”, the more I accustomed myself to it’s expression within my reality.



My focus then shifted from the actual drawing itself, to the actual movement which was “pulling” me to draw. Within this movement, I sensed that I could actually manipulate it – that I could actually change the “in””pressions” within it so that it would manifest another “ex””pression” within this reality. I say that “I could actually change the impressions within it”, meaning that I could actually “modify” the “imprints” which were placed within these “pulling” sensations, by inserting my own “will” within them. The “will” that I was within then, as the “will” of my “physical body”, was not the “will” of any defined “desires” within my conscious mind, but it was a “will” of “discovering” that which was “covered” – as a “will” of “uncovering” what was “covered”. That “will” cannot really be “defined” as it is fundamentally a “push” that is “coming from my body” instead of a “pull” that is coming from “without” my body. So, I “pushed” myself within this “pull” instead of “being pulled” without “being the pull” itself. Thus, by becoming aware that I was the “pull” itself, I became aware that I was also the “push” as my physical body. That “push” as my physical body had the ability, through this, to insert itself as a “specific pushing force” within the “pull” as the “force” which was “pulling me” to draw.




Within this, I started to realise that I could “modify” things according to my ability to “insert” the “push” of my body, within the “pulls” of the unseen object as the unseen image that I was attempting to draw. So, I started to notice that I was able to change the “in””prints” within “each” “pulls” that I experienced by inserting “pushes” that came from my physical body. So, i started experimenting on that new ability.




I started experimenting on that new ability on the colors that I would use in the application of the “windows paint” software, where I would “push” “intentions of change” within the “colors” that I experienced as “different variations of pulls”. I say “intentions of change” because that was the core desire that was conveyed by the act of “pushing” within the “pulls”. The desire was not actually other than to actually “change” something. I did not know exactly what would be the results of that “change” but I knew that “i” could “change” things just by inserting the “will of change” within the “pushes” within the “pulls”.




As I was there, in front of the computer, looking at all the colors that i could use to draw the design of the process, I started to notice then, that the “pulls” were slightly different as I was hovering my computer mouse over each specific colors that were offered by the “windows paint application”. I noticed that the pulls were stronger within the “black” color and also, accompanying those pulls as i was hovering the cursor over all the colors offered by the program, I subtly smelled different smells, tasted different tastes, touched different touches, saw different colors, and heard different tonalities of sound which were all linked to the specific colors that the cursor was “hovering” over, or rather, touching – as If I was the cursor itself, interacting with the relationships it had with it’s surroundings.




So, within this, I decided to “push” an intention of “change” within the colors that i saw through the “pulling” sensations that they “still” generated towards my physical body. Also, within this experience as the memory of that moment, my friend Marc-Andre was watching televisions in another room of the house, which was located in the upper floor of where I stood in front of the computer. So, as I placed “new intentions of change” within the colors that I saw, I sensed and saw new subtle expressions manifesting themselves in my actual reality, like another “hue” that inserted itself in the physical reality to which I was able to actually see and feel all around me, but especially through the image in front of me as the drawing that I was in the process of “ex””pressing” from within the application of windows paint from within the computer screen. Coincidently, as I applied the “intention of change” through the “pulls” within the colors within the application of windows paint, Marc-Andre, who was watching television in another room in the upper floor from where I was standing, started screaming and laughing and saying out loud: “DO YOU SEE THAT??? DO YOU SEE THE NEW COLOR THAT JUST POPPED IN THE TELEVISION? YOU DID THAT RIGHT? IT’S YOU THAT IS DOING THAT RIGHT? WOW, THAT’S SOO COOL...” to which i answered laughingly “yes, it’s me that just did that”.



Then it dawned on me. It dawned on me that I could actually modify reality through this “inserting of pushes” within the “pulls” that each and every objects around me exerted upon me. This, however, I didn’t mastered yet, for all that i could do was to modify that which i saw myself as being one and equal to at that moment, which was me being the electrons within electricity within the computer screen within all of the computer and television screens within my awareness. So, I was able to actually “change” the “in””pressions” of “pulls” that was to be found within each and every atoms which composed any “electronic” screens of some sort, that was within my awareness at the time.



This, then, I tested out again, as I was busy “playing” with different “pushes” that I “inserted” within different “pulls” within different colors that was in front of me through and within the program of “windows paint application”. So, I tested a new “push”, but this time, with another application within my computer, which was the application of the “chatting” software “mIRC”.



This chatting software, mIRC, was a software that was almost if not always opened in the background as i was working with the “windows paint” application. I decided to go in this “software” to “have a chat” with the beings which were participating in chats at the moment. So, what I did was that i “pushed” another variation of “push” towards the “pull” that the mIRC software generated. Before I moved myself to this particular “push” within the context of the mIRC program, I warned people within the channel that I was chatting in, that a “change” would be about to be manifested in existence. That I was going to “do something” that would “change” their experiences of themselves within this particular moment. So, after getting their attention, I “pushed” myself within the “pulls” that they each had towards me as I had their attention, meaning that their attention towards my words automatically generated a “pull” towards me and from within the “pull”, I “pushed” my “will of change” within it. Then, all of a sudden, they all exclaimed “wow, how did you did that? That is incredible, how did you did that? Wow” as they noticed by themselves, that they now experienced a new “dimension” within their actual realities, where they were bewildered through realising that their actual screens changed “hues” where new “colors” seemed to automatically enter their awareness, just as I had “intended” of doing through my manipulation of the “pull” they had towards me, by inserting the “intention of change” as the “push” that I manifested within the “pulls” they projected towards me.



So there I was, with the new found ability to actually manipulate existence, at least, as far as I knew it, for it was now rendered evident, that I actually was able to change things within another’s perspective, through the manipulation of the “physically sensed” “pull” that they exerted towards my physical body, whenever they had their attention on a particular “word” or “particular” “expression” that I consciously manifested. I became to realise the power that I actually had, and the “physical impression” that brought me to that point in the first place – after waking up that morning 3 months ago with the “physical sense” of “being in a dream” where I could have “control” over, just as when lucid dreaming – was rendered actually true from within my outer reality.



Then however, came the realisation that I was interfering with the actual “creator” of this world, which will be further explored in another document.   



How I came to interfere with the creator of this world:



So, there I was, within my computer room which was on the right or left side of my bed, depending on the position from which you would look at the room in relation with my bed. I was thus there, in the room, playing and experimenting with the “push” that i have realised that I was actually able to exert within the “pulls” of different objects of existence.



I tried many different variations of drawings while i was in the early stages of my new found awareness. Within my mind, I perceived the polarity of “pushes” and “pulls” as the inverted colors of the same nature within the context of the “windows paint application”, meaning the polarity of white is black and the polarity of blue is red. I drew many different images other than the main one which was the drawing of the “process” in itself. My drawings were at first, those of spheres where I would put different colors and see if there would be an effect in the “physical reality”.  Those drawings revealed to me to not be that effective, since they were made under the desire to “draw” spheres instead of “drawing” what the “pull” made me “draw” as “yet to be defined” designs, meaning that the image of the image to be made was not to be made prior to the drawing itself. Rather, I had to draw without knowing where I was going for the “moving image” of the “process” to be effective.

So, i started drawing out of “nothing”, in the sense that I drew what my “hand” “pushed” me to draw within the “pull” of the “desire” to “draw” “something”. I thus drew images that were following a “simplistic” pattern. I say “simplistic” because I was absolutely certain that what I was about to create from the “will” to “change” this existence, had to be made from the starting point of “simplicity”, for I realised that “simplicity” is the origin point of all of creation. For me, “simplicity” was within a repeating movement that was “simplistic” in nature, but was “complex” in design. So, with that “in mind”, I started making lines within the application of “windows paint”, that would start at a specific point within the “white pages” of the “windows paint application” and extend towards a specific “end point” that was to be determined by the “will” of my “hands” – from the perspective of the “actual physical awareness of the hand” is the “awareness of the totality of the body within itself”. So, within this, I drew points that would start somewhere in the screen, extend towards another “yet to be defined point” and “end” whenever my hand stopped. So, within this, I first made a line that would go from the starting point, towards the “to be determined” end point. Then, realisations came.



Within this process of drawing lines and such, the first “silent rule” was to do the movement, and then to realise what the movement meant, not any other way around. I thus didn’t start with the idea of what i wanted to do with the movement, but just let the movement decide for me, what it wanted to do for itself by me letting myself do the movement, and then realising what the movement wanted me to do. So, within this mind frame, I drew a vertical line – or maybe horizontal, not quite sure. At the end of the line, I stopped and let the inspiration of the “now” flow within my awareness. Within this inspiration, I had the “push” to do another line, but this time, starting with the exact same starting point as the first line, but only slightly moving the end point of that line, towards the right or left hand side of the previously defined end point. Thus, I drew a line that started from the starting point of the first line, went to the end point of the first line and then, instead of ending the second line on the same “end point” of the first line, I ended the second line exactly to the next “available” pixel which was next to the end point of the first line’s “end point”. For this second line, I had the “push” to use the inverted colour of the first line, which was a type of red – the first line I used the “sky blue colour” that closely matched the “hue” of the “sky blue colour” that I saw right after I had the experience of the “lightning strike” sensation pass through my body. I used the inverted colour of the “sky blue colour” which was a specific “hue of red”, because I was under the impression, from the perspective of the mind, that this “inverted colour of the original colour” would closely match the “phenomenon” of “polarities between the physically sensed push and pulls around me” that I was experiencing through my “attuned” physical senses. So, within this, I used the specific colour of “red” that was itself the inverted colour of the “sky blue colour” of the first line, in order to draw the second line – I used a tool within the “windows paint application” that would allow me to automatically “invert” the colors of the colour that I had selected. Thus, through this “inspiration”, I continued drawing lines coming from the “same starting point” of the “first line” towards the “same ending point” of the first line, but shifting that “current” “end point”, just next to the previously made “end point”. This, i continued doing until I reached another realisation.



So, as I was drawing the lines from within the perspective of the process just described, I arrived at a point where I had to “change” the direction I was “heading” but that that direction had to be the same in it’s intention. So, I drew a line which had the inverted colour of the previous line – going from one color to the inversion of that same colour from line to line in order to represent the polarities of the “pushes” and “pulls” that I was physically sensing - from the original starting point of all the previous lines, and drew that line until I reached the end point of the previously made line. Having made those lines in a horizontal fashion, I then came under the realisation that to “change” the direction I was “heading” was simply to “place” the end point of the current line which I was currently in the process of ending, just under the previous point which marked the end of the previously made line. So within this, I realised that I had to repeat the same process that I used to make the previous lines, but this time, instead of continuing with the positioning of those lines in a horizontal fashion, I started placing the “end point” of those lines in a “vertical” fashion, meaning that I continued the design but this time, I went “downward” towards another destination that was yet to be defined. However, as I saw this, I foresaw the end pattern that I was currently busy drawing. That end pattern showed itself as being a “sphere” in a “square”, meaning that since the “window paint application” I was using had “square” “pixels” as it’s most basic building blocks – in the sense of the form of the most basic building block of it’s “construct” – that the most basic image that would be respecting the ratios of it’s most foundational blocks – would have to be a “square” as well, in order to respect the “ratio” of the “windows paint application” dimension. Thus, I foresaw that what I was actually doing through this process of “drawing lines that originated from the same starting point towards end points that would be located on the next allocated “point” within a linear structure”, would eventually lead to the formation of a “square” as the representation of a “sphere” within it’s “designed” manifestation.



What I mean by the “designed” manifestation of the “sphere” is that I perceived a “sphere” as being the “end result” of “some form of emanating source” which would “emanate” “points” throughout “all directions” coming from the “same emanating source” as the “original point” which formed the “first” “part” of the “design” which was to “become” the “sphere” in the “end”.  In other words, the “impression” that was at the basis of all of this experience, which was the “vision of the exploding sphere of light” which was at the foundation of all of this experience. Thus, within this, I was actually “drawing” the two-dimensional representation of an “exploding sphere” within the realms and context of the constraints of the “windows paint application”, meaning that since the “windows paint application” was within a “two-dimensional” application, that I could not be able to create a sphere which was “three dimensional”  as those found in our realm, but was only limited to a “sphere” of “two-dimensions” which was represented thus by a “square” for a “square” respects the natural “ratios” of a “sphere” within that a “square” is the only “end product” of the “movements as repeating processes” which “defines” the creation of a “sphere”, within the realms of what the “windows paint application” allowed. Thus, the process that I was busy manifesting would lead me to design a “square” in the end, for I foresaw that I would be “ending” the “design” I was “actually” busy doing, only when I would reach the “first” end point which was made when I first ended the first line of the first point which originated the design. So, in a nutshell, this was the design that was brought to me as I was following the “pull” that was “guiding” me through inspiration to the destination that “the process” “wanted” “me” to “end” at. Thus, I ended this “design” through forming a “design” which was only complete when the last line entered the first “end point” which was the result of the direction taken by the “first starting point”.



Those designs are still present today, in the forms of the images that have been stored in CDs that are kept close to me. However, it is not the “images” of those “designs” that are “important”, rather, it is the description of the design itself that is of importance within this memory.



So, within these “designs”, I have “generated” “images” that were “complex” “once ended”, but were “simplistic” “in” “themselves” within the “generation” of their “designs”. Many of those images were made, because I was unconsciously “pulling” myself towards another “design” that haven’t yet revealed itself to me.



I went through a lot of trials and errors while generating those images, but all the while, I was repeating the first principle of the manifestations of those designs, throughout all of the images that i conjured up. It is only when I considered the limits and constraints of the “windows paint application” that I stopped making circles, and concentrated on making designs that were “square” in nature, so as to “respect” the “ratio” of the “windows paint application software”.



So, within this, I opened up a new “paint window” that was “void” of any other lines – the starting block of the environment where I was about to design a new “image” out of the “process” I was aiming to “manifest”. So, within this new blank page, I went to it’s center – as to follow the principle of the “creation of the process” which was to always start at the “center” of things. Thus, I located the position of the center of the page, and went there. Once at the center of the page – which had a dimension of about 2000 by 2000 pixels – I placed a square dot. Again, the dot was only squared because a square is the primary form that a “pixel” can manifest – a “pixel” can only “manifests” forms out of a “square” as it’s foundational building block. Thus, the first “point” within that page was that of a “square” which acted as the primary focus of my awareness as the “starting” point of the design I was about to create. Then, I looked for inspiration in order to start the design that I was aiming to make, but I knew that, fundamentally, the design had to fill the entirety of the “2000 by 2000” dimension of the page, so that it would be effective, in a way that I yet was able to understand. But I “sensed” that it was what I “needed” to “do”, so I did.



From that point, I created a design that started from around that point, and duplicated itself to fill all of the dimension of the page, by following an exact pattern that would repeat itself all the step of the way towards the completion of the “design” which would only be the case once the page would have been filled with the repeating patterns.



There have been many variation of that design that I attempted to create, but there was only one in particular that had a particular impact on me, which I will come back to later.



So, what is important within what I have just described in length is that the “process” was important in its “impression” upon me, and not the “design” of what I was drawing itself. The reason for that is the following: Because I have spent hours upon hours working on those designs, an imprint was made on my mind of the process that I was trying to reproduce, by the share fact that I focussed on that design for hours upon hours and days upon days, so through this “strain”, my mind began seeing the design within everything that I saw afterwards. And it was only once that impression of the design had been made “solid” within my mind, that I then started sensing the “subtle” “pushes” and “pulls” within the computer screen itself, that “hid” another “design” as a “pattern” that was not sensed before that point.



So, within this, I then started “sensing” with the hand that was manipulating the mouse, another form of “force field” which was overlaid on the screen itself. 

 



An important point which comes to mind was the “odour” that i sensed to be emanating from the computer at the time. It “smelt” as if sulphur was emanating from it – not exactly the “smell” of sulphur, but a smell which closely matches sulphur. Within the computer room, there also were “pulling” sensations that were felt throughout my physical body, sensations which were centered on the computer itself. In my mind, I started perceiving the computer to be the “sun”, since it had a great “pull” towards me, which I could sense from afar, as if “pulling” me towards it when not in the room. Also, there was that “smell” that I was sensing through my nose, which was “subtly” getting more and more intense as I was working on attuning my skills to “modify” reality through my insertion of “pushes” within the “pulls”.

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