vendredi 17 juin 2011

The dream is over. I am here for life.

After all those years participating with the desteni process, it is only now that I come to fully accept myself as a fully active and responsible human being - from within which I now see myself as being accountable for all that I do, say or act out. I have up to just recently, always lived under the care of my mother, as I was living under her roof for almost all of my life so far. Being 32 years of age, this "dependency" towards my mother acted as a veil which I used to remain irresponsible as if I always had the "patterned belief" that "someone out there" would "take care of things for me" - because that is what was constantly imposed upon me throughout my lifetime by my mother, that "she was and would take care of all of my needs", so that I may "enjoy life as my irresponsible self" as she would take care of all of my needs for me. I was blinded by her care and couldn't find my responsibility even if I pushed myself to be responsible. Always the same old pattern of "waiting for someone to take care of my needs" was overshadowing my outlook on life - because I was living under the roof of my "overly protective mother", which resulted in me living within a personality which controlled me to remain "irresponsible" because that "personality" was constantly being fed through me participating and accepting being taken cared of by my mother.

I was living as a zombie, making myself believe that I was all those great stuff while I was still being influenced by the overlaying shadow of my mother within my mind - as that shadow was filtering who I honestly was within my life - as a dishonest and irresponsible human being - because that "shadow as the mother figure" continuously and endlessly repeated that "I would be taken cared for. That I didn't need to worry or care about my actions because someone out there would fix everything for me until I die.". Within this, I was being constantly put to sleep - closing my eyes to the consequences of my actions - because through sleeping, I would continue on dreaming that I was "acting for this fictitious being" that I actually wasn't acting out. Now the dream is over and with it, all of the nightmarish apparitions which made me resist waking up are being dissolved through my actions.

Only recently have I completely destroyed the relationship with my mother within my life, and have been living "homeless" since then (I currently live at a friends house until i move to an apartment next month). This "homeless actuality" has actually made me see and realize the full impact of this "mother demon" that was the venom of my existence. I now, for the first time in my life, actually am homeless from the "home that was my home within my mind". Through this, I now see who I really am - because I now am "homeless" from the "home" as the "personality" that was my "home" within my mind. All the fears of being "away from my home within my mind" are being dissipated because I actually now face them as I walk. Those fears are no longer nightmarish creatures which populated my psyche all of my life - constantly making me resist the actions that were required of me to make for the sake of who I actually am as life. I now see them for what they really are = fears of being responsible and accountable for the consequences of my actions. I actually am beginning to embrace myself as a fully responsible human being which is the best gift I could have ever given me.

Thus, it is within that responsibility that all of my earlier desires to be and act according to what is best for all, are being actualized through my actions. No longer do I perceive this "will to become who I really am" as being something which is "out there". Here I am as those principles, because here I am actually moving myself as a responsible human being. I no longer dream of being that which is best for all. I actually act it out here. I no longer dream of being there as a responsible human being, because here I am, vulnerable, unprotected and uncared for - it is I that have to act myself out from now on. Through this, the dream of being a responsible human being is being actualized through my actions. And I can finally say that I now see who I honestly am because the dream is over.

I see here.
I act here.
I move here.
I live here.
I express here.
I breathe here.
I am here.

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