7 years journey to life: Day 14: Fear of not having enough time

Yesterday, before I started writing my blog concerning the pattern that I have programmed into myself as the pattern of "finding the exact word", I wanted firstly to write about the concept of "time" and how "time" has been programmed into me through my daily participation within "time" as perceived through the lenses of the mind, but I went for the point of "finding the exact word" because that was the point which ressurfaced at the moment. This "concern of time" has been playing out particularly within me for the last few months, where I frequently find myself mesmerised at the speed at which time passes away - seemingly being now "faster" than what it was when I was younger. Through this, many factors comes into play where I find myself being manipulated by my own acceptances and allowances as time such as “how long do I have to write today” and “how much time will it take for me to be able to finish my daily blog”.

The concept of time and the pressure to attain a specific "dead""line" for the completion of a specific work/task has been playing within and as myself from the microcospic to the macrocospic levels. What I mean by that is that "time" within the macrocospic levels has been playing out within my mind as a "concern for what my future holds" and that "time" within the microcospic levels has been playing out within my mind as a "concern for completing a task before a specific "dead""line" that I set out for myself. As an example in order to display this pattern within the microcospic levels, whenever I am at the begenning of a written document, or more specifically when I am at the beginning of my daily blogs, I always firstly ask myself if I will have the "time" to complete the projected task of writing before a specific "dead""line" such as the next hour or before the start of a particular program on television. What this concern has brought within my daily participation in writing myself to freedom through my blog is that I often find myself looking at the time, let say at 20 minutes intervals, so as to see if I am near or far from the specific "dead""line" that I have set out for myself at the start or prior to the start of writing my document/blog. This pattern of "constantly looking at the time" generates blocages within my attempt to fluently "write myself out", as the pauses that I take in order to look at the time, often brings me to states of mind where I am out of focus and thus lose the train of thought that I was busy exposing prior to the moment I looked at the clock.

Thus today I want to look more specifically at the concept of time and how it affects me in my daily activities.

Self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be concerned with the amount of time a task takes before reaching completion.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be concerned with the amount of time it takes before a task is completed not realising that this "concern of time" pushes me as the mind to works which are half-assed rather than being fully realised through a full investment of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the mind control me through me letting the pressure of attaining a speficif "dead"line" affect me throughout my works.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realise that a "deadline" invites the thought of "death" as the concept of reaching an "end" that knows no future thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown as the future through me letting myself be controlled and manipulated by a "dead""line" which evokes the concept of "death" as a "fear-controlled mechanism" in order for me to obey the orders set out by the "deadline" without question.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obey the "deadlines" that I set out for myself as authoritative orders that I set out for myself through and as the mind because of the fear of not obeying to specific orders that evokes the same subconscious reactions as that of facing "death" through the fear of "what will happen next for myself if I do not follow the orders" given to me by the deadline.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to reach a deadline because of the fear I have of the authoritative figures in my world which have pressured me to complete a specific task in my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by my past through me following the thought of the authoritative figures in my life which have given me deadlines in the past and through this, be manipulated by the thoughts of the dire consequences of the deadlines that I did not met.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be concerned with time, such as the time it takes for me to complete a specific task, and through this, lose the unconditional expression of me as life as the physical HERE because of placing my attention as the I of the mind to the time it will take me to complete a given task, rather than the experience within and of itself as an opportunity to express myself fully HERE as who and what I am as the physical, equal and one as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself be pressured by the amount of time it takes for me to complete a specific task, not realising that the pressure that I generate within myself in order that the goal is reached is in fact keeping me locked within the mind as a bubble which will only burst when the "deadline" will be met.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that a "deadline" is a "bubble" that I lock myself into, which will only "burst" when I will have attained the specific perimeters of the bubble as the "deadline" that was set out before the beginning of the task - thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lock myself into a bubble which separates me from the world as the physical whenever I am concerned with a specific "deadline" of some sorts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be concerned by what my future holds, as the macrocospic levels of time that plays out within and as me as the mind, which removes me from that which i can apply HERE, one and equal as the physical so that real CHANGE can be made possible.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that the pattern of being concerned with "time" generates blockages within the flow of my expression, thereby inviting the ego of the mind to interfere with what I am doing/writing/saying at a given time rather than remaining stable HERE as self and letting the words/actions/expressions come out naturally without any concern with "time" as an object of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "bring me out of focus" whenever I look at the clock in order to verify the "time" and the amount of "time" left or done regarding a specific task at hand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let "time" influence my ability to express myself through the insertion of "spaces of comparison" within my mind whenever I look at "time" in relation to a specific task at hand, such as writing.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that time acts as a "space of comparison" within which I lose myself, for a moment, within an empty space which is enough to bring me out of focus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose my focus whenever I look at time in relation to a specific task at hand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive time as an "empty space of comparison" from within which I lose myself within emptiness, for a moment, where I am on the lookout for comparisons as thoughts/ideas which are as vacuous as the mind itself, rather than stopping the comparison game within and as the concept of time through me remaining HERE stable as the breath.

If and when I see myself moving or about to move into the mind through the "concern of time" pattern, I stop, breathe, remind myself that it is a pattern of me as the mind I no longer want to engage for it is not what is best for me and what is best for all, One and Equal.

When and as I see myself moving into the automatic personality of fear as "Do I have enough time to reach the deadline", I stop, breathe, see if i have missed an opportunity to self-correct into Oneness and Equality from which the fear arose, if so, I forgive myself, stand up from the fear game and self-correct, if not i stop, self-forgive my participation in fear as an automated response to a pattern of self-abuse and bring myself back Here in and as Breath.

I commit myself to stop myself from entertaining ideas and beliefs about "fear of taking too much time" and from blaming myself and others as "giving me the deadline", through the use of thoughts and emotions, ideas and beliefs, comparisons and games of winners and losers to establish myself as an example of how Life could be for everyone outside of the limited living of the Mind of illusions and back into Life as the Physical, One and Equal for every living Being.